Chasing Rainbows

We didn't do the third insem as we'd planned this cycle, due to a number of logistical problems cropping up. R did make it for the Monday morning insem.

And no ttc blog would be complete without at least one symptom chasing post, so here's the highlights from this weeks game of:

Google-that-symptom!

• Nausea (three days post insem 1, most of the day) This could have been environmental stress at work. It could be my mind playing tricks on me, knowing how much we want this. It could - according to the all-knowing internetz - be the result of hormone changes when conception occurs. Unless Felix implants however we have no way of knowing if this was it.
• Back pain/cramping (three days post insem 1, most of the afternoon and evening) Typical PMS symptoms for me but I very rarely get them mid-cycle. Sounds like the least likely of my maybe-baby symptoms, but this is the one I'm choosing to hold onto (it's a rookie mistake btw, picking out symptoms this early. But it's our first time, so I'm going with it!)
• Spotting (three days post insem 1, late evening) I only spotted this because I'm still checking my cm. There was very little of it (a small streak through the cm) but it was definitely there. I haven't had a cycle less than 20 days since I was a teenager.

We're wondering at this point if I'm experiencing ovulation symptoms that I've never had before. In this case, would that mean we insem'd to early? #2 would have only been two days early and fresh sperm can live that long...

*Fingers still crossed*

All Systems are Go!

Well, here we are. Attempt one, insem one down. Go team!

Yesterday, was a bit of an adventure, I'll tell you that.
I took the test just after lunch - remind me to never again try that at work. I had to dodge a team manager with the ovulation stick in hand. I then left the stick behind the toilets cistern whilst I waited it out, figuring I was the only woman on premises. I hadn't counted on someone forgetting to write on the handover note that we had an extra member of staff. My heart almost stopped when I saw her heading into the toilets (only two toilet stalls and I stupidly left it in the one everyone uses) Nothing was said though. I think we got away with it. cm was wet and slippery - just right for what we had in mind (Needless to say, we were very happy with the timing of this when I found evidence this morning of spinnbarkeit, highly fertile cm)

As I headed home, I expected to feel some last minute jitters but as I thought about it, I realised that I had no doubts. I felt so sure that this was right. A was waiting for me in high spirits when I got home with a big smile and a dish of arroz con pollo, in honour of the occasion. We always celebrate with food from my partner's native Peru.
R came over after dinner and we hung out for a while before getting down to business.  We had decided beforehand that he would leave his deposit with us just before he started home so that A and I could have some privacy.  It matters a great deal to us that this process of creating our child be as intimate as it can be - regardless of the tools and trappings required.

It went quite well.  We took it in turns to hold the container and keep it at a decent temperature whilst we waited for it to liquefy.  Then, after insemination, I lay with my butt propped up on a pillow for twenty minutes whilst A tidied up the dinner plates and kept an eye on the time.

R has plans for tomorrow so we decided not to go down the three day insem route we had planned. Instead, we are going to do an insem today, after breakfast and one after dinner tonight.

keep your fingers crossed for us.

Ain't no stopping us....

Is it considered obsessive if I make it through three ovulation tests in one day?

Most days of my cycle (anywhere from 21 to 36 days) I get a big blank in the test window of my stick.
cycle day (CD)10, I get suspicious symptoms and test on a whim - faintly positive. CD 11, three slightly stronger positives. I'm torn.  It looks like we're building up to a surge: today is day thirteen and the line is almost there. Cm still says no-go.

Last night, we sat and talked it through.  Today, I'm going to sneakily test at work (yes, I'm a pee-on-a-stick addict at this time of the month) and if cm is more receptive, we're putting in a call and going for it.

See you on the other side :D

Counting Rainbows

So, it turns out that this month wasn't going to be our month.
After waiting on hot coals for what feels like forever, I got up one morning (the day of our city's Pride parade, no less) to a raised basal body temperature (bbt) and signs of fertile mucus (ewcm)

We had by that time given up on the likelihood of my ovulating this month and were planning to meet up with R for the Pride day festivities in town.  Needless to say: if this was going to be it, we would probably have to edit our plans a little.  I took an ovulation test around breakfast and then, being me, I took one after lunch just to be sure - both negative, no matter how hard or how long we stared at them. Not even a maybe-tomorrow shadow of a line.

We were disappointed but we're choosing not to dwell on it. The way we see it, we could be in for a long ride and we can't start getting bogged down before we've even had our first attempt. As it was, we went into town and had a great day and our camera is full of photos (like that one on the bar, for example) that we might not have taken. And it's probably for the best that Felix's due date would not be the same week as my birthday. With birthdays so close together in my family growing up, it always seemed more pleasant to have birthdays spread out over the year.

R was also disappointed, when we told him. He's been living the my-body-is-a-temple diet for weeks now and focusing on the fertility boosting foods we've found from our research.  When I asked him if we could buy him a drink at the festival, he smiled and shook his head. "I'm keeping myself in readiness for the next time," he said.  And whilst we assured him that for the next two weeks at least, he could relax his diet a little, he insisted on keeping to the fertility regimen.  Bless his heart.  We have been so lucky to find such a wonderful man as our donor and future uncle to our child.

So whilst this week has had a little disappointment, our life is still full of rainbows.

Got that Friday Feeling!

As I open my locker and reach for the familiar plastic container, I can feel the curious eyes of my colleagues following each movement.  Despite being considered somewhat of an eccentricity by most of the people I work with, my herb stash still generates a great deal of interest months after I started feeling comfortable bringing it in to work.  For a moment I pause, as if contemplating (it's almost funny, watching them feign interest in yesterday's free-newspaper whilst trying to see what will come out of my little box next) Then, pushing the box aside, I reach further in for what I was after - the jar of cinnamon.

Whilst I am not a qualified medical herbalist, I spent a couple years studying towards that goal at university when I was younger and herbal remedies are usually my first response for my own minor ailments.  There's just a few essentials I like to keep with me including, my preferred digestive, cinnamon.

It's not as a digestive that I'm using it today, though.

In July 2007, Fertility and Sterility published a pilot study in which cinnamon was shown to reduce insulin resistance in women with PCOS as cinnamon increases the effectiveness of insulin. It also slows down the movement of food from the stomach to the small intestine which slows down the breakdown of carbs, increasing absorption, regulating blood sugar and aiding in weight loss. Score!

And why am I pulling out the fertility spices today? Our plans have started moving forward. R's screening passed muster and he's been loading up on fertility foods like oysters, sweet potatoes and pomegranate juice.

Today is day 5 and it's looking good! 

The Sperm in the Equation

It's been a while since I last posted. For a number of reasons, which I wont go into right now, A and I have not yet begun actively trying and we preferred to blog when we actually had something to say. Well, now we are looking at a change in the starting line-up, so here I am again.


When we first started talking about the practicalities of getting pregnant, A mentioned that her relative had volunteered to be a donor shortly after she first came out to him. I had been especially taken with the idea of being able to see that bit of her in our baby. From that point on, our baby talks had always begun the same way: 'if M agrees...'
Around that time, we had also started researching a sperm bank online as a back-up plan.  I wasn't quite sure if the practicalities of ordering from the international distributor was the intimate experience we were hoping for and some part of me had wondered that if by looking we were admitting there would come a time when we would have to reach that compromise; and if so, at what stage we would need to decide that we were ready to do that. It was at this time that we met R.

R very quickly became a close friend of ours when he moved to England from his native Spain last year. So when he came to me one day voicing his concern at my distraction, I was able to trust him enough to confide our hopes of starting a family and my upset at the recent diagnosis of PCO that would make our attempts that little bit more complicated.  I explained my frustration at how the NHS would not subsidise fertility treatment for same-sex couples and how I refused to compromise by continuing as a 'single' woman.  When I told him how much it would cost privately, adding the cost of buying and shipping sperm, and voiced irritation at how much that would eat into our baby-savings when all we really needed was a healthy man to donate his sperm on the understanding that we did not intend him to be a legal parent, R volunteered to be a donor.  Focused on wrestling a heavy delivery cage at the time, I didn't quite register what he had said until I stopped and took a breather.

Thing is, A and I are quite happy about the fact that our current donor is a relative of A's - thus assuring A a biological tie to the baby. So why is this even an issue? Well, to be honest, A just isn't as concerned about donor choice as I am. And the more I have time to think about it, the more I just want to settle down with A and our baby (Felix. An inside joke and the pre-birth name of our future bump) regardless of where he/she came from. As I often say in reference to my step-father, your real parents are the people who raise you. Whoever the donor is, our baby will be just as much A's as mine. So with that in mind, I took a closer look at R.

R is apparently quite attractive, if the reactions of our younger female customers are any indication (I'm a poor judge of male beauty)  He's educated to university level and speaks three languages with a fair degree of fluency. He's interested in history and culture, has a healthy appetite, build and attitude and he's over 5' 5". He meets all of our requirements. Plus, he has dark hair and eyes just like A and his ethnicity is in part similar to A's.  That he lives 30 minutes walk from our flat is also a point to take into serious consideration.

Though it hung in the air between us for a long time after that, nothing more was said about it till last week, when the three of us went out for a drink to mark the temporary break in R's studies.  At the end of the evening, R spoke seriously to the both of us, saying that he had been thinking over the situation we were in for the past few months and researching my condition in order to better understand how he could help.  He asserted that he would still like to be a donor, if we were interested and that he was willing to make whatever commitments we felt were necessary to conceive our baby.  We were touched by his offer and expressed how grateful we were but I still needed to be sure he knew what he was saying - without the alcohol in his system. We agreed to meet for dinner a week later to discuss the possibility further.  During that time, R could research and ask us as many questions as he needed to be comfortable with his decision.

When R turned up for dinner this week, not only had he decided to proceed, he had spent an impressive amount of time and effort researching his responsibilities as a donor, from diet and exercise to lifestyle and potential timetables. He had also attempted to visit a sexual health clinic to discuss getting his 'boys' tested but had missed their opening times. Satisfied about his understanding of this undertaking and his commitment and haven spoken about our vision of his role in our child's life as 'Tio' (uncle) we have decided to proceed with R, working with three donations a cycle once his labs have cleared.

*Waves (potentially) the last glass of wine* To the next step. Cheers!

Happy holidays!

Christmas and new year with the family went well, despite a rough start.

Following an argument with my sister on Christmas eve - and I'm not going to get into that right now - A and I left for Spain feeling disappointed that something had happened to dampen our mood before we'd even reached the airport, for a holiday we'd been planning and looking forward to for months. Still, we had a hot drink at the airport and decided that we were just going to enjoy our holiday and use the time to unwind from the stresses of the last few months instead of brooding.

I admit, I did have to excuse myself the first time I saw A holding the new baby. I'd been fine when her brother and sister-in-law presented little S but the sight of my partner holding her brought tears to my eyes and I had to escape to the bathroom quickly. For the rest of the holiday though, I had no trouble interacting with the baby. I put it down to hormones and a tiring trip out.

And there's good news: our potential kd is now our official kd. We didn't want to say anything earlier in-case we jinxed it but the kd is a relative of A's. I, in particular, am excited about the implications of this. Yes, it means that we likely wont be able to try every cycle, as he lives abroad but the idea that our baby will have both my and A's genes is so wonderful that we are prepared to go longer between attempts. I'm feeling positive about this. I'm choosing to believe that since my pco symptoms are pretty mild, it may be that the metformin will do the trick relatively quickly (yes, I said relatively. I know it will still take a while)

The next steps are meeting with Dr. D to discuss putting me on metformin, arranging well-timed holidays with kd and ... oh yes, the wedding in May :D