Halloween. The date we had chosen as test day for this 'magic' cycle. And although my period has come and gone, we are in a better place than we were at this point after last time. There's still a strange sense of suspended time hanging over the house though. It's like when you know there's rain coming - even when you have no need to leave the house, you still keep looking out the windows and wondering where it is. I keep looking at the cupboard thinking 'that period was pretty light/short..' I know how ridiculous it would be - taking a test after my period - but it's almost like I'm missing the closure of that negative. Funny, that's what it was like waiting for my period last time. Maybe I need them both to make it real. Managed to hold off taking it anyway.
Thinking of using the instead cup for next attempt although we're still debating weather to wait until after the new year to try again(not wanting to risk long-haul flights if I do get pregnant in the next couple cycles). Will continue to think these things over and distract ourselves with research.
In the meantime, Happy Hallowe'en to all who celebrate
Thursday, 31 October 2013
Tuesday, 22 October 2013
Hallowe'en is coming...
It's been a week since our 1st insem of the cycle and we're feeling a little less stressed about this try, which is a good thing as work has chosen to pile it on again. 'Symptom'-wise, it's been pretty minimal: some forgetfulness, increased appetite, moments of queasy-ness and, the one that I find most intriguing, itchy breasts. I'm not counting the mild backache at the moment, despite the fact that it started at about the same time as the queasy-ness. A is off work sick at the moment and I was helping her to move furniture out of the back room in preparation to letting it out.
There's some mixed feelings about letting out the room: the extra money pays half our rent and would leave us free to save more mad-money for our Christmas holiday visiting family in Peru. In a two bedroom flat, it is also quite awkward arranging times when our donor can pop over and we can feel comfortable inseminating without being disturbed by the sound of someone else moving about (although, if I am pregnant this month then this point is mute)
The thing is, I've always been a bit possessive about my space and whilst I'm trying to be a bit more open minded about the idea of a stranger in our home, I'm still not quite as comfortable with it as A is. This is not made any easier by the fact that we had to ask our friend to move out following an incident involving smoking inside (I am vehemently opposed to living with smokers - even if they smoke outside, it still comes in on their clothes and sits in the soft furnishings) We'll just have to see what happens when the first person comes to see the room later today.
Couldn't finish on a negative note, so I'll include some happy thoughts here: babies, rainbows, kittens, Ben & Jerry's phish food (which we've recently re-discovered), winter evenings spent in front of the stove with cocoa, long walks in quiet parks, leaves turning gold, Re-runs of Hocus Pocus and nights at the theatre.
There's some mixed feelings about letting out the room: the extra money pays half our rent and would leave us free to save more mad-money for our Christmas holiday visiting family in Peru. In a two bedroom flat, it is also quite awkward arranging times when our donor can pop over and we can feel comfortable inseminating without being disturbed by the sound of someone else moving about (although, if I am pregnant this month then this point is mute)
The thing is, I've always been a bit possessive about my space and whilst I'm trying to be a bit more open minded about the idea of a stranger in our home, I'm still not quite as comfortable with it as A is. This is not made any easier by the fact that we had to ask our friend to move out following an incident involving smoking inside (I am vehemently opposed to living with smokers - even if they smoke outside, it still comes in on their clothes and sits in the soft furnishings) We'll just have to see what happens when the first person comes to see the room later today.
Couldn't finish on a negative note, so I'll include some happy thoughts here: babies, rainbows, kittens, Ben & Jerry's phish food (which we've recently re-discovered), winter evenings spent in front of the stove with cocoa, long walks in quiet parks, leaves turning gold, Re-runs of Hocus Pocus and nights at the theatre.
Monday, 14 October 2013
The Magic Cycle
CD 17 and we are good to go.
With our donor, R, abroad last month, we had to sit the last cycle out. And we had almost given up on this month, after the previous cycle ran over a little (eleven days-but who’s counting?) moving likely ovulation dates back into a planned holiday. As it was, we needn't have worried. Looks like another long cycle this month and with it, a delayed O date.
We’re feeling good about this. Tomorrow’s insem falls on the waxing side of a full moon. And with our planned test date of Samhain, we may find the added boost of magic it takes to create something wonderful.
Thursday, 29 August 2013
Time I came out
Okay, so here it is: my big confession.
I'm a power rangers fan!
It may seem trivial to some but this show has had a huge impact on my life.
Pre-teen, I didn't exactly have a wide social circle. My class seemed full of loud, boisterous boys and the stereotypical 'popular girls' that I just couldn't understand. I took to reading to keep myself occupied during break times - yes, it didn't help my social standing but as I may have said before, I struggled with anxiety when I was younger and being invisible was far more preferable.
Then Power Rangers started airing. Far from being about heroes in brightly coloured costumes and cool battle robots (don't get me wrong - these were a serious draw too!) it was also about 'teenagers' growing up. The episodes covered issues like learning styles and economic barriers as well as relationships, work, friendship and dedication.
As I moved into primary school (Not familiar with U.S systems but I think it's elementary at age 7/8) I spent a lot of time in the group of boys my student mentor hung out with - and I quickly became popular for my memory recall of power rangers battles and would often be consulted in the middle of games. Hey, I may not have been an 'it' girl but I had found my way in.
As later seasons aired, I was even able to see myself in certain characters, taking their successes as inspiration (not to mention that I developed my first crush on an actress who played a recurring role in a couple of series)
I even sharpened my writing skills over the years by expanding on episodes that left more to the imagination. (Yes, fan-fiction. Everyone has to start somewhere) Through the social networks on which I have published these works, I have met many wonderful, funny, talented people (a number of which I have since come to call close friends) who have taught me to raise my game and look at things in an entirely new way. I was amazed at the number of LGBT identifying people who use fan-fiction to express themselves (and by how much more sense some of the story lines would have made if certain characters had been gay, for example)
What has prompted this today, you ask?
Today is the twentieth anniversary of the show's first broadcast and I found this:
David Yost poses for NOH8 with a prop version of himself
This is even more cool when you know that David Yost, who played shy, socially awkward genius Billy on the show, was forced to leave the cast due to continued harassment by the production crew that targeted his sexual orientation. Whilst one of the producers later responded that his departure was due to a pay dispute, his outside reasons for leaving the show were never denied. Saban Entertainment never issued an official statement on this issue.
/fansqueal
I'm a power rangers fan!
It may seem trivial to some but this show has had a huge impact on my life.
Pre-teen, I didn't exactly have a wide social circle. My class seemed full of loud, boisterous boys and the stereotypical 'popular girls' that I just couldn't understand. I took to reading to keep myself occupied during break times - yes, it didn't help my social standing but as I may have said before, I struggled with anxiety when I was younger and being invisible was far more preferable.
Then Power Rangers started airing. Far from being about heroes in brightly coloured costumes and cool battle robots (don't get me wrong - these were a serious draw too!) it was also about 'teenagers' growing up. The episodes covered issues like learning styles and economic barriers as well as relationships, work, friendship and dedication.
As I moved into primary school (Not familiar with U.S systems but I think it's elementary at age 7/8) I spent a lot of time in the group of boys my student mentor hung out with - and I quickly became popular for my memory recall of power rangers battles and would often be consulted in the middle of games. Hey, I may not have been an 'it' girl but I had found my way in.
As later seasons aired, I was even able to see myself in certain characters, taking their successes as inspiration (not to mention that I developed my first crush on an actress who played a recurring role in a couple of series)
I even sharpened my writing skills over the years by expanding on episodes that left more to the imagination. (Yes, fan-fiction. Everyone has to start somewhere) Through the social networks on which I have published these works, I have met many wonderful, funny, talented people (a number of which I have since come to call close friends) who have taught me to raise my game and look at things in an entirely new way. I was amazed at the number of LGBT identifying people who use fan-fiction to express themselves (and by how much more sense some of the story lines would have made if certain characters had been gay, for example)
What has prompted this today, you ask?
Today is the twentieth anniversary of the show's first broadcast and I found this:
David Yost poses for NOH8 with a prop version of himself
This is even more cool when you know that David Yost, who played shy, socially awkward genius Billy on the show, was forced to leave the cast due to continued harassment by the production crew that targeted his sexual orientation. Whilst one of the producers later responded that his departure was due to a pay dispute, his outside reasons for leaving the show were never denied. Saban Entertainment never issued an official statement on this issue.
/fansqueal
Friday, 23 August 2013
CD 3
We had to let go of that last thread of hope on Wednesday morning.
I've been sleeping a lot the last few days: getting up at 8, taking three hour naps at least twice a day and so glad to get to bed by ten that it's starting to alarm poor A. Thing is, I've felt my energy falling since Saturday and now I just don't have the energy for anything more than light to moderate housework (and only out of necessity) A insisted we get an appointment at the health centre on Wednesday just to make sure it's not a sign of anything physically wrong with me before we try again.
It doesn't help that ever since a work mate was diagnosed with type two diabetes in the spring, she's started getting concerned over any diabetes-like symptom she observes in me. Part of me feels special at how much attention she's showing and in the interests of household peace, I went to the appointment.
As you can guess, once I mentioned that we had been TTC (because it's always relevant) I got the stress talk. I'm booked in for bloodwork at the start of September but until then I just have to find the energy to keep going with daily life.
On Thursday, I got sent home from work after almost passing out. I'd forgotten my uniform (something that never happens to me) and whilst waiting for a spare shirt to be dug out, I started getting dizzy and had to sit down. Having a long history of passing out in public, I've learned to hate those moments of loosing control. As it was, I must've looked pretty rough because the manager offered to pay from petty cash for a taxi (and it had to be one of the bigger ones to accommodate my bike) It was bad enough that I did this in the office with every Tom, Dick and Harry looking in to see what was going on. The crowning glory came when the manager escorted me himself through the store and to the taxi rank - ten feet from the entrance!
It may not seem so but I used to really struggle with anxiety. The worst thing anyone can do when I'm not feeling my best is draw attention to me. I felt so weak and shaky, just from having everyone witness this that It only seemed to confirm to C that I needed fussing over.
And we confirmed yesterday that R is abroad for the first two weeks of September. Unless we stalk him to Spain, it looks like we'll have to sit this one out.
I've taken today off as well, since I failed to keep my dinner down last night. To be honest, I'm hoping it's just stress. Stress and I are old friends and I know his habits.
So the plan for this month is exercise, eat well, hopefully drop the three or four pounds I've put back on and relax with friends. Here goes ...(?)
I've been sleeping a lot the last few days: getting up at 8, taking three hour naps at least twice a day and so glad to get to bed by ten that it's starting to alarm poor A. Thing is, I've felt my energy falling since Saturday and now I just don't have the energy for anything more than light to moderate housework (and only out of necessity) A insisted we get an appointment at the health centre on Wednesday just to make sure it's not a sign of anything physically wrong with me before we try again.
It doesn't help that ever since a work mate was diagnosed with type two diabetes in the spring, she's started getting concerned over any diabetes-like symptom she observes in me. Part of me feels special at how much attention she's showing and in the interests of household peace, I went to the appointment.
As you can guess, once I mentioned that we had been TTC (because it's always relevant) I got the stress talk. I'm booked in for bloodwork at the start of September but until then I just have to find the energy to keep going with daily life.
On Thursday, I got sent home from work after almost passing out. I'd forgotten my uniform (something that never happens to me) and whilst waiting for a spare shirt to be dug out, I started getting dizzy and had to sit down. Having a long history of passing out in public, I've learned to hate those moments of loosing control. As it was, I must've looked pretty rough because the manager offered to pay from petty cash for a taxi (and it had to be one of the bigger ones to accommodate my bike) It was bad enough that I did this in the office with every Tom, Dick and Harry looking in to see what was going on. The crowning glory came when the manager escorted me himself through the store and to the taxi rank - ten feet from the entrance!
It may not seem so but I used to really struggle with anxiety. The worst thing anyone can do when I'm not feeling my best is draw attention to me. I felt so weak and shaky, just from having everyone witness this that It only seemed to confirm to C that I needed fussing over.
And we confirmed yesterday that R is abroad for the first two weeks of September. Unless we stalk him to Spain, it looks like we'll have to sit this one out.
I've taken today off as well, since I failed to keep my dinner down last night. To be honest, I'm hoping it's just stress. Stress and I are old friends and I know his habits.
So the plan for this month is exercise, eat well, hopefully drop the three or four pounds I've put back on and relax with friends. Here goes ...(?)
Monday, 19 August 2013
Somewhere Over the Rainbow
I know the title's a little cliché and perhaps sounding a tad dramatic for a first attempt but I swear it was the first song played when I booted up this morning and it felt appropriate.
We were both awake when A's alarm went off at 5:30 this morning. It took a while for the warning chime to break through my mind's comfortable sleepy haze and for a minute I forgot what day it was. Then I remembered the test stick laid out in the bathroom ready and I snuggled further under the covers, trying to hold on to 'maybe' a little longer. To give her credit, A didn't say a word about it. She just gave me a morning hug and then got up to get ready for work. No pressure then.
After a while, I dragged myself out of bed and padded out to the bathroom.
Negative. That word sounds so cold; detached. And even as we looked at it, there was a part of my mind that was insisting that this wasn't right, that this wasn't the result we were supposed to get. I've had almost three hours to process it and it still hasn't sunk in. I don't think I'm going to be able to let go of this cycle until I see that final damning evidence.
My morning Facebook skim resulted in a cousins pregnancy announcement, a Disney pick that a friend has posted of Dumbo's mother and bundle with the caption 'happiness can arrive at any moment,' and a pick of pregnant sea-horses posted by non-profit org 'Have a gay day.'
Day 29 and counting.
We were both awake when A's alarm went off at 5:30 this morning. It took a while for the warning chime to break through my mind's comfortable sleepy haze and for a minute I forgot what day it was. Then I remembered the test stick laid out in the bathroom ready and I snuggled further under the covers, trying to hold on to 'maybe' a little longer. To give her credit, A didn't say a word about it. She just gave me a morning hug and then got up to get ready for work. No pressure then.
After a while, I dragged myself out of bed and padded out to the bathroom.
Negative. That word sounds so cold; detached. And even as we looked at it, there was a part of my mind that was insisting that this wasn't right, that this wasn't the result we were supposed to get. I've had almost three hours to process it and it still hasn't sunk in. I don't think I'm going to be able to let go of this cycle until I see that final damning evidence.
My morning Facebook skim resulted in a cousins pregnancy announcement, a Disney pick that a friend has posted of Dumbo's mother and bundle with the caption 'happiness can arrive at any moment,' and a pick of pregnant sea-horses posted by non-profit org 'Have a gay day.'
Day 29 and counting.
Wednesday, 14 August 2013
(insert witty one-liner here)
9 days down.
And I'm finding it difficult not to reach for a test stick.
I know that there is absolutely no point in testing at this stage in my cycle. That even if I am pregnant, there wouldn't be enough hormone in my system for the test to read. I find myself calculating over and over when the earliest day I can test is (pretty difficult with unreliable cycles) and then looking at the result accuracy on the back of the box and trying to convince myself that, even if I could reliably predict CD 1, it makes more sense to wait.
The nausea I mentioned in my last post has eased off a little and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I now find it only surfaces as a feeling of digestive unease if I contemplate eating something. We're not sure yet if it's the time of day (re: running on empty) or the food type that's causing this, though it doesn't affect me so much in the evenings (when I start feeling like I want inadvisable heavier meals of meat, particularly duck, and giant bowls of chorizo lentils)
And the backache is also still around, albeit at more manageable levels.
New 'symptoms' this week are a slight tenderness in my breasts, occasional light-headedness and some fatigue. All could be signs of pmt, which it's not unknown for me to experience up to a week before CD 1. The fact that I haven't had a run of pmt symptoms this early since my teens and that I rarely get breast tenderness is what's making us suspect maybe-baby.
or it could just as easily be my body's reaction to the stress of TTC.
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