There are no words

From the time I first started posting, I have probably spent hours planning the mega post that this would be. Instead, I realise two things:

1)

Allowing for picture quality - Ansel Adams, I ain't - does the second line seem a little faint? Does it count, do you think? This was taken at four minutes but I guarantee it's no different to when the timer went off - which is salient to the next point.

and 2) There are no words to describe how we're feeling right now.  We tested yesterday and there was no line - not a speck. And then I don't know why, maybe because my bust was just so damn sore at this point, but we ended up testing again this morning. Thank Goddess I didn't join A in having a glass of wine with dinner last night! It's so exciting to see the result box filled with something and yet, we're not sure if we can trust it. What if it's a dud? How can it go from nothing to this? There is one thing that gives us hope that this is the real deal though - yesterday, I was half asleep but A assures me I got up to pee at 3.  What we tested with two hours later wasn't the first of the day, so maybe it's just really early. We'll be retesting tomorrow with a branded test stick. Until then, we were just too excited not to post this.

Everything crossed! And if we were lucky this month, hoping that our luck makes it to everyone else on this babymaking rollercoaster - you guys are awesome!

Here's hoping...

Eeurgh! Bad taste, bad taste. I don't know if it was the smell of scrambled eggs/ greasy chicken/ fish oil interacting with a tummy bug (not all at once, obv.) or if this is a serious contender for the tell-tale symptom, but something sent me racing for the bathroom last night and again this morning. It started with a bad taste in my mouth - somewhere between pennies and dentist's glove - and I tried to neutralise it by snacking on bread w. balsamic vinegar (can't get enough of the stuff at the moment, so it's always in the house) and that seemed to help.

By bedtime, my tummy was roiling and I'd reached that point where I was wishing I could just throw up so that I would have the chance to settle for the night.  It was the smell in the kitchen that finally got to me and I felt at least some relief as I hurled myself into the bathroom.  The same kind of thing happened this morning.

I've found it's easier to deal with if I sit with a cup of tea for a few minutes to let my stomach settle before I put anything in it. I know it's not helping my caffeine intake but if it's enough to keep me functional then we'll go with it.

Symptom Chasing

Well, we're well into the second week now; and so far, there have been no symptoms that can't be attributed to any of several external factors such as the flu-like bug that's currently rampaging through our full-time staff, hefting unwieldy 20k sacks of potatoes and moving delivery cages (the weight of which I will never admit to, anywhere A can find it) but who am I kidding? Anyone in the process of TTC can attest to how difficult it is not to attribute every twinge, craving and fluttering to the start of that miracle we've been hoping for - especially those of us who have time to kill and ready access to the internet. So here's another round of:

Google-that-symptom!


Kicking off with lower backache around day 22 (6 days post insem) This has been off and on since last week and is usually relived with a rolled up towel (in lieu of the support cushion that I keep meaning to order) or A's support wrap if I'm having an active day. It's possible that I've tugged on a cage/lifted something heavy with improper technique and pulled something; not sure if this ties in with how the ache comes and goes but I'm including it anyway.  According to the all-knowing internetz, it could be very early pms or implantation (and since I knew the possibility of these symptoms, I'm including psychosomatic reaction as well) 


Around this time also, I've noticed my stomach's a little more sensitive to bad odours.  If somebody forgets to open the plastic wrapping on the bananas for example, resulting in the unmistakeable smell of over-ripe, sweaty banana or if a hole has opened in the packaging of a particularly bloody chicken; smells that, whilst unpleasant, have never phased me before, are suddenly leaving me dry retching and moving away from the source as fast as my little legs will carry me.  Remembering that this could easily be  pms symptoms, the result of wishful thinking or my body's way of reacting to whatever bug is plaguing staff (also explaining the 24 hours of runny nose for no other apparent reason and rapid temperature changes.)  A quick Google search also turned up discussions about mild nausea resulting from hormone changes as early as conception.

And finally, in the last few days, I've been experiencing some breast tenderness (which is to say they feel like I've been hit with a football) which is yet another classic pms/early pregnancy symptom.

What's the story (morning glory)

Here we are again.  Another try on day 16 of my current cycle. The last one broke the day before mothers day and I'll admit there were some sensitive moments over that weekend.  The last couple weeks have been pretty tense on account of one of my rare anxiety attacks - triggered by work stuff I wont go into here.  The long and the short of it is that I'll be staying where I am for the foreseeable future.  This is why I haven't posted for a while.  That and that we've obviously had a lot of talking to do.

After long discussion (and much ice-cream) we've decided that we're ready for a change of scenery; and with that in mind, we've expanded on our plans for 'the Grand Venture.' The land in Peru is well and truly ours now and features a smart new security fence thanks to A's father and her younger brother.  We're currently putting together plans for the first floor and getting estimates for building work which hopefully should begin towards the end of the year (late spring in Peru) but it will be a while before we have finished all we need to do in Europe and are ready to move on.

In the interim period, we have decided that we would like to get onto the property market in Spain - most likely the southern coast - whilst there are still bargain prices to be found.  We want to do this for a number of reasons, the main ones being for the change in lifestyle and as an investment opportunity (maybe for funding or as a source of income) when we do eventually move to Peru.  We estimate it will take us a year to build up the cash for our deposit and the various necessities of purchasing (taking into account the other ventures money is being set aside for) and in the mean time we are researching locations, with Almeria being our current favourite.

We haven't come up with an appropriate project name for this try yet (just something we've taken to entertaining ourselves with) but the summary so far is that we discovered it was time last night, when we were out celebrating my birthday. I turned 29 on Friday but between shift changes and wanting to spend more time with A, Saturday night was the only time this week we could do it.  We went to a local restaurant with a couple of close friends and then on to a local gay bar that A and I favour (although that might change now that it no longer serves cocktails) During a stop to freshen up, I spotted ewcm and as soon as I got back to the table, signalled in code to R that he would be needed ASAP.  It was a little amusing trying to get the message across without alerting anyone else at the table (Though one significant glance at A and she figured out what I was trying to say. Eventually she pulled R away on a pretence to fill him in)  Thankfully, R and I are both working this evening and had time to do what we needed to this morning.

Here Comes the Sun

It's getting late and I'm sitting relaxed in the 'study' with a cup of tea, having put aside the sheet of irregular verbs I've been working on.  The flat is quiet - presumably the lodgers have gone out to eat - and I'm enjoying the moment of calm before A comes home from class, when bags will need unpacking, a fresh pot will need putting on and something will have to be done about dinner.

I've lost count of what cycle day I'm on, I believe it's thirty-five or somesuch, and since we started actively trying, this is the closest to relaxed and contented I have been.  I know that may change if this journey continues for a more prolonged period but right now, this home is balanced and happy.  This is the happy thought (rainbow) I'd like to give thanks for tonight and I'd like to send some positivity from this to everyone who needs it.

We've decided to put off testing until the weekend, when A doesn't have to get up at silly-o'clock and I can wait until a reasonable 6/7am to test with her there.  It makes sense to wait the extra couple days, since I tend to start bleeding two or three days after a negative result anyway; and in the last couple of days, I've been experiencing the dairy cravings and bloat that usually presages my period.  Whether the extent of my cravings - driving me out of the house right before dinner because the world will end if I don't have cheesecake - is reasonably explained by my being pre-menstrual, we shall have to wait and see.

Spring has sprung

Moving into Spring this week and life has taken on a strangely comfortable flow.  I'm susceptible to weather-triggered mood swings and with the mad-March weather, we were prepared for the usual irritability.  These last couple weeks however, I don't know if it's to do with the changing work situation or just the change in season but we've started feeling more like we've been coasting along, calm and contented.

During the last week, the wheel of the year has turned to spring and Oestara, the spring equinox, marked the change in season.  Among many other things, Oestara is a celebration of fertility, and I especially felt the need to connect with Goddess at this time.

A and I don't practice the same faith, though we take an interest in each other's beliefs, so I celebrated Oestara alone.  I walked the longer route into town, following the quiet cycle path that is bordered by trees and other plant life and just generally enjoying the evidence of Spring.  Eventually, the path lead into a wide grassy park where children like to play.  Oestara is a celebration of new life and childhood and those who celebrate the Goddess may choose to focus on her maiden aspect at this time. There was a time when I would celebrate this season in unabashed childishness - skipping, running, singing childhood songs - but instead, I chose to just sit and listen to the young children in the park and reflect on happy childhood memories and the memories A and I hope to create with our child/ren.

As I often do, I integrated my Oestara meditation and personal celebration ritual with baking cupcakes this year.  Baking always puts me in mind of happy times in my childhood and I love how well it expresses the creative energies of the new season.  I made some of them into butterfly cakes (just a couple though, diet and all...) and outlined little ducks and bunnies in green and yellow icing on a few others.  It made such a happy sight and our home smelled wonderful by the time A came home from work.

In other news, this try has been relatively symptom free; and with a testing date of Tuesday and no sign of the monthlies, this could really be the magic cycle.

A Single Step

As expected, the cramps I was experiencing before my interviews did presage the end of that attempt; but we picked ourselves up and kept running because we had a number of projects in progress that have been doing an excellent job of keeping us distracted.

The interviews went well and we both secured offers conditional on background checks, references, etc. It would mean stepping down from a position of responsibility for me and a cut in my hourly rate (although since I am only contracted for the weekend, with the applicable increases I will have a satisfactory wage even before overtime.) A has accepted an offer to stay working in her ward after she negotiated hours better suited to her study (and more conductive to a social life.)  This puts us in a very strong position from this summer, when I will have completed my period of training.  In the mean time, between visits from the new op's manager and promotion changes, there is enough going on at work to keep me busy.

And as to this months attempt: we started a little later than expected.  My cm and basal temperature were not showing the slightest indication of anything resembling interesting and we were beginning to think this month wasn't going to happen. On day 19 (Monday), I noticed some wet cm whilst I was at work and figured we should at least get in a try this month - if we want to fit in as many tries as mother nature will give us a shot at before our step-up deadline of August (the anniversary of our first attempt.) After a quick call to A, we arranged an insem for the next day, which R and I conveniently both had off.

Day 20; and low and behold, fertile cm, agreeable temps and R at our door - the planets must have aligned yesterday, because everything went according to plan.  I'm inclined to believe Goddess arranged the situation for us after we were starting to get frustrated with the delay between ewcm and insem, and how often we were having to do these things on days when either R or I (or both of us) had to work.  As it is, we're looking at another magic cycle and we're channeling every available resource into directing positive energy in the right direction. I'm using a rose quartz bracelet as a fertility totem for this cycle and We've asked a friend whose circle specialises in fertility spells to help.  There are baby pictures and magazines dotted all around the flat to emphasize our objective (including one in the snack draw as a deterrent for me, lolz) and we're trying to keep to fresh, in season foods to draw health and vitality into ourselves.

Try number 6 - the second magic cycle - is here.