Peanut

*This post contains warnings for material some readers may find distressing*

I started this blog as a record of our journey to becoming a family.  I've always presented my thoughts and feelings as openly as I could and yet, it is a struggle to write this.  There's a part of me that wants to keep Peanut only for ourselves but I know that if I do that, it will be like she never existed and that I cannot do to her.

The negative test was apparently false. As before, I had not followed the test instructions correctly. On a chance, I took another test on the 11th.  Over this time, I had experienced some nausea and heartburn, mild cramping and an ache in my lower back. I felt a little guilty taking the test, like I was being silly for not letting go of a chemical pregnancy but the second line came up strong and true. After this up and down, we chose to arrange blood work to confirm our pregnancy and were relieved when it came back positive.

We celebrated by ordering a peanut shaped charm for my charm bracelet and setting money aside to buy Peanut her first charm bracelet once her sex was confirmed.  I even joined the pregnancy check-in on the message board I frequent.

Then on the 18th, I started feeling more nauseous than I had before and I was cramping and spotting.  The blood was light pink and only noticeable when I wiped but I felt in my heart that something was wrong. A reminded me that her sister had bled a little during her pregnancy and my research told me that some 20% of pregnancies have at least a little bleeding.  A reassured me that it might still be ok.

Friday began with a light flow which then petered out around lunchtime for several hours but by Saturday, I was bleeding heavily and passing clots, some containing matter.  One large clot that I passed was attached to a small cord and I felt completely empty inside as I held it in some tissue paper.  I swear I felt her little spirit near me then and I knew that we had lost something truly precious.  We buried her in a large container with a hardy plant and we're looking for a small garden statue to go with it, so that we might always have this to remember her by.

I have to stop now but I will post again soon.

Take 2

There's so much I need to say to bring this blog up to date but to move this along, I shall summarise now and fill in necessary information as we go. OK?

Well, where to start?
Baby S is thriving and at almost 15 months old, is now a confidant, verbal toddler.  She is so funny and sweet by nature, will hand out unsolicited hugs at random but can turn on a dime.  When things don't go her way and communication has failed, she goes into full meltdown - sinking to the floor, hollering, kicking her feet and when that doesn't get the desired result - rolling.  That doesn't happen very often though, as her communication skills are pretty good.  She has an extensive vocabulary which covers most areas of daily life.  She has reached that stage where she uses words we had no idea she knew - and uses them perfectly in context - but will never repeat them again until she has actual need of them.  She now runs with confidence and can steer around objects on the floor whilst running at full pelt (pretty much how she lives life) She loves exploring - especially climbing stairs.  Unfortunately, despite being able to climb down from sofas and beds, she has not got the hang of climbing downstairs and so the babygate has had to remain in place for now. As to feeding, she has a strong appetite.  She eats three meals a day, morning and afternoon snacks, she breastfeeds about three times a day (subject to teething comfort-feeding) and still eyes up food anyone she knows has infront of her.
Currently, her activities include stay-and-play and swimming - both once a week.  She will be starting a weekly dance class from September but we figure this is enough to keep her engaged without over schedualing her.

I started back at work after 14 months of maternity leave.  The original plan had been to take an extended two year maternity leave, which was then reduced to 18 months.  Due to circumstances beyond our controle, I returned earlier than planned but part time, having stepped down from the position of team leader.  I have mixed feelings about this.  I miss being in a position to make real impact on the store but the positive part is that I am able to ease myself back slowly into work and still put plenty of time in with baby.  The other reason this is a good move for our family unit is that it helps me to relax whilst we ttc #2.

We had our first attempt last month.  Despite the fact we are still managing my PCO naturally, the fact I probably still carry a few extra pounds over when we ttc little S and despite various issues surrounding our first insem (with the same known donor) we recieved a positive hpt on the 8th April.
I tested negative this morning.  I don't want to go into it in too much detail right now as it still feels like a fist in my chest everytime I think of it.  I was particularly keen on having another Winter baby - the fact this one would have come to term in the Christmas period would have been the icing on the cake.  Now we just wait on my period.

six month eve

Had a talk with the health visitor today. I talked about the stress leading up to baby's birth with having to fight for the midwife led unit, then the raising creatinine levels and the threat of induction; I talked about the chaos of her birth and my feelings on that and I explained how I have had trouble letting go in my mind of how everything worked out. I cried a little. In the end she said she thought I should talk with someone more professionally qualified to help me work through these feelings. She hesitantly suggested that what I am experiencing is not unlike post traumatic stress.

At home, I had a bath with baby, gave her a massage and let her have 10 minutes nappy free play. Baby is growing so fast. Already she can roll over and almost sits unsupported. She is not quite crawling but can confidently drag herself 3 or 4 feet at a time so we have spent a lot of time double checking our baby proofing recently. She likes her food. She started trying solid at almost 5 months. Her favourite is definitely watermelon. How quickly she is turning into a little person with likes and dislikes and a personality I am falling in love with more and more each day.

Reflections (Warning: potential triggers)

Listening to the sounds of my partner moving around in the other room, I furtively turn down the volume on the television and brace myself for the next hour's viewing.
I've developed a strange need, in the months since my daughter's birth to watch programs such as 'one born,' especially those advertised to contain traumatic births and/or emergency C-sections.  It's like poking at a bruise. I know it will hurt and that it's completely unproductive but I can't help it.
It's not the birth stories that I'm actually after; it's the cathartic release afterwards.

When I posted an account of my daughter's birth in the previous post, my intent was to keep the blog up-to-date and to write something a little neater at a later date.  Now I feel it is best left as it is.  There is something almost fitting in the rough, unpolished account I've given. It may have been a long labour but to me, it still felt as if it was spiralling out of my control too fast for me to adjust. As a result, I was left feeling like her birth was something that happened to me, rather than an experience I had been waiting for all my life.  I felt robbed of the natural birth I had been fighting for tooth and nail all through my pregnancy, I was frightened by how fast everything was happening and angry and confused with myself and my inability to let go of the feelings that memories of her birth evoke and the implications for future birth (should we be so lucky)

I tried to voice these feelings; first to my mother, herself having delivered by emergency C-section twice and then I tried to broach the subject on my first home visit. I was told in the first instance that I had been too focused on my expectations for birth and that I needed to let it go and focus on my beautiful baby girl. The health visitor made noises to indicate she was listening as I tried to explain but I actually started to feel like I was making something out of nothing. Even when I briefly mentioned it on my post-natal check up, it was almost as if the GP took a mental step back as I was talking - like she was humouring me.

So now, I'm left feeling guilty about these emotions and not sure how to handle them.  I take baby for long walks during the day and once I've found a secluded spot on the cycle path, I allow myself a few frustrated tears.  I watch programs relating to birth as if I need this reason to validate my need to cry.

Maybe these feelings will pass one day, I don't know.  In the mean time, I just keep going.

Birth Story

*In order to keep the blog up to date, I'm compiling this entry from brief updates I posted to a  discussion board as it happened.  There are many things about our experience - the birth and the days that followed - that I am still working through and I shall perhaps post more on this at a later date. In the meantime, sorry if this is a little choppy*

Begining early afternoon on the 12th January, I had strong back ache and cramps (in addition to the tightening since late boxing day) I actually resorted to paracetamol to get some sleep (which for me, is a big deal)

Then my waters went around 1:45am. I got up and changed, paced out the beginning contractions for an hour until mum came downstairs (she'd been listening out for me) and called the labour ward to make sure they had record of me since I'm still technically from out of area.
After asking a few questions, the midwife on duty recommended that I get some sleep and call FMAU in the morning.

After five hours of dozing off and on, I called FMAU who were already pretty busy. They recommended that I attend my midwife appointment, let her know what was going on and that she would book an induction after the usual 24 hours, if labour hadn't progressed.  In the meantime, A arrived just after lunch and was helping me to stay active and move labour along.

When labour didn't start by Wednesday morning, we were induced. Of all things, it had to be the pessary. Uncomfortable for most, to those of us with penetration anxiety and a tilted uterus to navigate... in the end we got it halfway.

We then went up to the birth centre to await developments. From 9:30 to 5, we watched others coming in after being induced and then being carted off to labour ward.  My contractions started in earnest in my back, progressing very quickly to almost a minute duration and alternating between a minute and five apart. Unfortunately for the other couples on the ward (and I felt really guilty about it but couldn't stop myself) I quickly latched on to vocalising as my main coping strategy. The cramps I could have handled but the backache was so strong, I could barely move.

As the night wore on, I accepted first a tens machine and then paracetamol and codeine. It had eased off a little by bed time but I was still vocalising and to help me relax about it, we were moved to a two bed ward where we were alone for the night.  Don't know what I would have done without A that night though. It's times like these that make me so grateful and proud to have her in my life.
By the morning, labour had not progressed further. After monitoring and breakfast, we were headed up to labour ward.

Ten hours of back labour with the drip and we found out that I was only 3cms gone. I was about to lose it at this point -already feeling I had nothing left to give. We tried diamorphine and then an epidural before one of the doctors realised that the reason we were struggling so much was because baby was presenting with her head in an awkward position.

We were taken down to theatre, where they tried first forceps and then suction to turn her. As a final resort when these failed, baby arrived by emergency c-section at exactly 4am.

Back on the labour ward, we seemed to be doing ok. Baby was struggling to feed but the midwife didn't seem concerned and said she'd get it in time. And we were discovering that my fast healing extends to surgery too.
About 7:30 someone came in to talk to us about needing to give baby anti-biotics for a potential infection I had been showing signs of during delivery. A went with her, when they took her away.

Whilst they tried to identify the source of the infection and the cause of her slightly lowered oxygen sats, baby was kept in a hot cot with oxygen for the first three days.  I felt the distance between the postnatal ward and high dependency, especially at night. I'm just grateful that the hospital is pro-breast and encouraged me to visit for feeds. The infection has since almost passed on its own, under a general range of anti-biotics but was never identified and was put down to PROM (my waters went over 70 hours before the C-section) And as a result of their investigations, a chest x-ray turned up a concerning sized pneumothorax.  There has been some improvement and she continues to be monitored.

The three days before we came home, baby and I were on a special ward between postnatal and high dependency. I was the only mother there breastfeeding and found it a little difficult, between baby's feeding hourly through the night and A returning home for work.  Mum would pop in for half hour visits at mealtimes, giving me just enough time to dash (as fast as my healing would allow) to grab something to eat and attempt to clean/tidy myself up.  Don't get me wrong: given how she had been taken away from us so soon after birth, it felt so good to finally have that time with her and even the long nights felt close and intimate, with the curtains drawn and the soft glow of the night light.  There were just so many moments where I felt down and unsure, living like a single parent and feeling like the night was going on forever.  The dawn always came though and with it: mum, pastries and a hot shower for my aching back.  She continues to cluster feed through the night but now that we're home, I'm starting to take it into my stride.

At home now and we continue to marvel at what a character she is.  She has such a calm, placid nature, most of the time.  At night, she asks for a feed with a little whimpering and will lie quietly once she's acknowledged, waiting patiently until I have myself sorted.  Even the nappy changes are quiet and stress free.  It's almost a completely different baby however when we try to change her clothes...

Jingle Belle (Part 2) Due date + 4 - Yup, Still Pregnant!

After going through this post, I've realised that it really needs to be broken down further - such an eventful time of year :D This post is mainly about Christmas with the family and the next should hopefully bring us up to date.

Well, what a Christmas! We agreed this year that since A wanted to spend some time with her sister and I couldn't fly so close to term, we'd take our chances and have separate Christmases this year, with me travelling to spend time with my parents in Devon the day before A flew out to her sister's family in Ireland.  My mother was especially excited to have a family Christmas this year, with baby so close to due and this being my sister's last year at home before emigrating; she had gone all out on decorating rooms, shopping for everyone's favourite food and planning meals over the festive week.
It was like the magical Christmases of my childhood - right down to the little foot-and-a-half tree I found in my room, lit up and waiting for me.

I received the call from my consultant the day after I arrived and immediately, the holiday felt ruined.  Perhaps it was frustration at everything going down so close to my due date, perhaps it was the fact that it was happening whilst I was getting ready to enjoy a really special Christmas, perhaps it was just hormones; I cried for a solid hour after speaking with her - just contemplating having our baby girl arriving under such circumstances when everything had been going so well!  I dragged myself out of the funk I was in that day by holding onto one thought: at 38 weeks, baby was fully developed, presenting head down and I was far enough away to keep them waiting on a potential induction whilst I took matters into my own hands.  Long walks.  Bouncing.  Curries.  Here we go!  By Christmas, I was starting to feel more relaxed.  I had plenty of time before I was expected back for another blood draw and my plan was going to work.

Christmas day started in the usual calm and casual manner our family prefers: a summons to my youngest brother's room to open my stocking with him, a brief gathering at the tree for a couple presents each and then breakfast.  I've always had fond memories of gathering as a family for Christmas breakfast.  Everyone gets involved setting table with the seasonal cloth and mats whilst the parents are dishing up cooked breakfasts for those who want it, filling bowls of cereal and heating up the pastries.  Once my sister and I have finished ferrying things from kitchen to dining room and have coaxed the boys away from their current collective obsession (this year: rubix cubes) we sit to table and enjoy time together.  My appetite wasn't brilliant that morning but for baby's sake, I managed a couple pastries with some tea.

After that, it was on and off present opening during the day, a few at a time interspersed with eating, movies, walking the dog and (for me) napping.  Right now, I look back on this day and others like it from when I was small and two things stand out: Firstly, how much more fun you can have if you take your time on the day, instead of turning it into one big present opening frenzy before crashing for hours afterwards.  I plan to follow through with this kind of structure when baby gets old enough to really get into Christmas; from the little token present the night before Christmas to the not-a-surprise-any-more-but-we'll-pretend last present before bed, including all the traditions I used to enjoy as a girl such as the family breakfast and heading out for a brisk walk before settling down for the evening.
The other thing is how wonderful it feels to be a part of a larger family at Christmas.  There were seven of us gathered together on Christmas day (would have been eight, if A had been with us) and I know this was one of the things that made the day so special.  It only made me more excited to imagine family Christmases in the future: A and I sitting comfortably together with our morning tea, two, three or -dare I hope?- more children, excitedly tearing into their little stockings, the smell of warm pastries drifting in from the kitchen....

Boxing day is usually a low-key day for us, spent tidying up the small piles of gifts that have accumulated in everyone's preferred corners, putting together anything that needs assembly, reading, talking, checking emails and watching the lunchtime movie.  Sometimes extended family will stop by for an hour or so, to exchange gifts and catch up on family gossip.  On these occasions, mum will lay out a buffet style lunch of leftover meats, salads, cheese, crackers and dips - the usual affair.  The evening usually passes without much fanfare.  This year was different.  I felt different; tired but restless, hungry but not, wanting to be with people but developing a sudden aversion to the busy social hub that our living room had become.  I had started getting backache and my Braxton Hicks contractions were starting to feel a little stronger.

By dinner time the next day, I was getting less comfortable as time went on and my mother and sister insisted on taking me to get checked out at our local A&E unit - they in turn sending me to the labour ward for assessment.  That evening felt so surreal, sitting with a continuous monitor on baby and the regular beep of the blood pressure cuff taking a reading.  I admit, it was a little exciting to think that baby was so close to putting in an appearance (although a part of me already knew that, with the contractions being more uncomfortable than painful and not quite regular, it wasn't actually labour)  Once the midwife had discharged me and we had arrived home, mum was still watching me like a hawk.  My sister made a point of asking us to come wake her if anything happened during the night and mum recommended she keep clothes by the bed, ready.  I tried to remind them that prelabour (which I felt it was) could last for weeks and I was fairly sure nothing would happen that night but still - a part of me was picking up on their excitement.  One week before my due date and it looked like everything was about to kick off.

Jingle Belle (Part 1) Due Date + 2

As always happens with us, everything kicked off at the last minute this holiday season.  I'm taking two posts to cover everything. This one deals with pre-Christmas and there will be another later today or tomorrow to bring everything up to date.

December started out as pretty uneventful.  I took walks to stay limber, worked on getting the flat set up for baby's imminent arrival and kept up with the housework.  I even found time to get us ready for Christmas: baking gingerbread, sending out the cards and putting up decorations.  We couldn't believe what an easy, healthy pregnancy I was having.

Then the other shoe finally dropped.

The day after our last appointment with the midwife, I called to set up a tour of our first choice birthing centre.  The consultant had signed off on the low-risk-only midwife led unit, pending the results of one final test, my maternity notes were filled with printouts of great lab work and normal blood pressure and I was feeling good; healthy, happy and ready to go.  At the midwife appointment, the results of the final draw had come in and whilst they were slightly elevated, she had told me they were within a normal range for me and had suggested booking in on the tour ready for the big day.
But at the same time as I was booking in on the tour, the antenatal clinic left a message on my phone.  Because the results of the last draw were elevated from their baseline reading, they wanted to repeat the test.

I went on the tour anyway.  It was three weeks to my due date and I had every reason to believe it would work out.  It had taken a whole week after the results were made available for them to call me and so I figured it was never that urgent.  Whilst I was visiting the unit, I spoke to one of the midwives about my history, the monitoring during my pregnancy and the most recent results.  She called up my results from the system and said that whilst they were a little elevated, she saw no reason it should cause a problem.

Feeling relieved, I went back to the antenatal clinic a couple days later.  The consultant was happy with my health and said that, short of the results turning topsy-turvy, I was good to go.  She even wrote in big letters in my notes that I was good to go.  We did the draw just before I left and she said she'd marked it as express and would call me with the results later that day.
It actually took four days for her to get back to me with the news that my creatinine levels had risen further.  Thirteen days to my due date and the word 'induce' had started creeping into conversation....

The "I'm-too-lazy-to-think-of-a-title" post (34 weeks)

Well, it's six weeks to my due date; and whilst I am technically using my holiday hours up between now and Christmas, to all intents and purposes maternity leave has begun.  A is currently in Ireland for her sister's wedding and I am sitting in an empty flat, surrounded by newborn clothes and terry squares (not even born yet and all this washing!)

This week has passed by in that strange fashion of being both too fast and too slow, that anyone who has been in the position of 'use-your-holiday-hours-or-lose-them,' will be familiar with.  Days are mostly filled up with daily walks into town to stay limber (with lattes at the end, as a reward - decaf, of course) coming home to laundry and emails, wandering about the house doing nothing in particular and then in bed by 9:30 (mainly because I wake at 2am most days and can't get back to sleep)

At the start of the week, I was staying with my brothers whilst mum was at a wedding (so many in November) and I finally told them about the baby.  I arrived late to the house on the Thursday night and mum called my brothers into the front room saying there was something I would like to tell them.  When I said I wasn't sure where to start, my stepfather suggested I start where I was and go from there.  "About eight months, then?" I tried; immediately J, the older of the two, looked up at me with the beginnings of a grin.  M, I had to spell it out for, since he wasn't able to make the connection.  Like a number of children on the Autistic spectrum, M sometimes has difficulty with big changes but he took this news quite well, asking questions and thinking of activities he could do with his new niece once she's born.  J was obviously trying to play the cool teenager *insert eye-roll* but was actually quite attentive to me all weekend: sitting in the front room with me when he would usually skulk in his room, fetching drinks and snacks for me at regular intervals.  Lol, I called M over to feel baby kicking one evening, since he'd expressed an interest, and even though he didn't look up from his x-box game, J subtly shifted closer, just waiting for an invitation to take his turn.

My sister was with us for the weekend too.  She actually surprised me with the amount of interest she showed, not really being a baby person herself.  I think she may have bought up an entire branch of Mothercare, the number of vests, socks, muslins, and tiny two-piece outfits she presented me with on arrival.  She's always said that pregnant bellies freak her out (lol) but she seemed to be okay with my tiny bump.  I think it may have made a difference that I always turned away from her when baby's movements were becoming more visible and that because I've always taken care to stay hydrated and keep my skin moisturised*, I still don't have stretch marks.

At last appointment with the midwife, baby and I are both doing well.  My blood pressure is back up into 'normal' range, baby's heart rate is perfect and the fundus height (basically a measurement of the uterus, taken from top of the uterus to the pubic bone) is just right.  I was asked the usual questions for this stage of pregnancy: daily movement (oooh, yes!) swelling (nope) have we started a birth plan? (first draft done and it's getting reviewed regularly) anything else I'd like to talk about?
...Well, yes.  I've recently started wondering if the large itchy rash that I've been struggling with for the past month (that is slowly driving me crazy) could possibly be polymorphic eruption (some people may still know it as PUPPS)  Apparently, the midwife was stumped by that one.  She looked it up and agreed that it did sound like polymorphic eruption of pregnancy, which typically presents in the third trimester of first pregnancies, but that she'd never seen it before.  She says that if it's bothering me, I should talk to my GP about it. I'll see if I can get an appointment on Monday.
The last point we covered was that baby had not turned head down yet.  At this stage, it's not a big issue but the midwife says that if baby hasn't turned by our next appointment at the start of December, we will need to book in for a presentation scan to see what she's up to.  (I happen to know, based on her daily movements, that the little madam is still turning cartwheels in there; so it can't be obstruction.  She just doesn't feel like it yet.)

*in case you are interested btw, I've been using Cussons Mum and Me Bump Stretch Mark Cream twice daily, since week 20 - around the time my bump started to show and my skin first started getting dry and itchy.

Update (31 weeks 2 days)

Well, I've been meaning to post for a while but between work and getting ready for baby, there hasn't been much energy left to do so.  This one's just a quick miscellaneous entry to catch up and I hope to begin posting a bit more reliably once I take annual leave in a couple weeks.

Baby and me: According to the books, baby weighs approximately 4lbs this week and is roughly the size of a pineapple. She's a very active little girl, her busiest periods being at breakfast, lunch, late evening and around 2/3 am.

Symptoms now I'm officially into third trimester include mainly tiredness and breathlessness as baby gets bigger and puts more strain on my body; and  I'm peeing a bit more often, though it doesn't really affect day to day life so much at this stage.  In the last couple weeks, I've been getting some form of acid reflux.  I'm hesitant to call it heartburn, since I only really feel it in my throat, it seems to be at it's worst if I've been for more than 3 hours without eating and it is aggravated by dairy (as I found out when trying to ease it with a milk and honey remedy)  At the moment I'm having some success in easing it with peppermint tea.

Parentcraft Class: Birth In October, we attended the first of our parentcraft classes; and in the two hour session on birth, we covered quite a lot of ground.  This session was an open class led by our midwife and we were apparently a larger audience than she was used to - about twenty of us in all, mostly couples.  The class covered early signs of labour, when to call the midwife/go to the hospital, the process of labour (with some rather amusing props) birthing positions and a discussion on common forms of pain relief.

We were a little disappointed that this was only a two hour session instead of the multi-week course they used to run, feeling we could have benefitted from separate sessions on the various topics covered (as always with the NHS, it came down to funding) but on the whole, we found it to be a positive experience.  We went at a pace that covered everything neatly within the session's allotted time with most questions getting answered or referred to an appropriate and accessible source.  We  liked that time was taken to explain the birthing partner's role and techniques they could use to help at different stages of labour.  It was especially comforting to hear the midwife offer honest accounts of her own labour and the experiences she had in supporting other women during theirs.

Bump Band:  As my belly finally started to expand (the waistline still oddly narrow in proportion) I took the time to hunt around in town for a support band that would bridge the widening gap between the waistband of my trousers and the hem of my shirt (because I'm far too hot most days to dig out the winter wardrobe)  What I hadn't counted on were two things:
1: There are no mother and baby shops in the city centre.  You have to drive (or in our case, take the bus) to a shopping mall miles out from the city centre to find so much as a Mothercare.  The alternatives for those of us who don't have all day to jump from pillar to post are either go online or hope they carry what you're after in Boots or the maternity corner of one of the department stores (yes, corner.  Apparently, it's not worth a full department any more)
2.  My size is apparently not big enough to be expected to need a support band.  Everywhere I looked, I could find nothing for the smaller bump.
It took three stores and five staff members to eventually find something in my size.

Stepping out with our baby (Bump!) - 26 weeks 2 days

Week 26, and our baby is now the size of a head of lettuce (or, since she's measuring small, maybe a large cauliflower) By the end of the week, we will be rounding into third (trimester, that is) and we will have entered into that magic phase where baby's chances of survival, should she be born prematurely, raise to a very acceptable 80 - 95% (depending on various factors)
As to me, I'm feeling a little more sluggish recently.  I've been sleeping in a little more, running around a little less during the day and often falling asleep in my chair towards the end of the evening.  This week, I have been experiencing hot flushes more often, which are certainly no fun when I'm stuck wearing a fleece to protect baby from the cold atmosphere of our store. And I've had frequent moments of light headedness during the day, despite my blood pressure raising to more comfortable levels. At this stage, I'm feeling very grateful that I have such a supportive partner and for the care and consideration of my colleagues.

Finally got in our consultant's appointment on the last day of week 25.  I went on my own for this one, since it was mainly to do with my health and less about the baby's.  We had a short discussion about the reasons I had been referred (namely my kidney and the family history of diabetes) and I had blood drawn to assess kidney function.  It will be another week before we know the lab results but when I mentioned that we were hoping to transfer to the birthing centre, she [the consultant] didn't say anything discouraging.  In fact, she was quite enthusiastic about the experience there, with only a minor mention of transfer times if medical intervention should become necessary and the fact that epidurals are not an option there.

Obviously, we can't say for sure what the birth experience will be like for us.  I know that it's possible to get some idea by looking at my mother's birth experiences (the ones that were delivered naturally, anyway) and on the whole, it looks promising if genetics are any indicator.  All my mothers pregnancies were strong and healthy (which is good, since my first seems to be mirroring hers) As far as girls are concerned, both I and my sister were significantly smaller than average (approximately the same as little Felix is estimated to be) and were delivered in under an hour on gas and air.  In ideal circumstances, I would most like to have a home birth (although A prefers the idea of having medical assistance close to hand)  The NHS is very discouraging of home births for first time mothers - and I can understand their point of view, I'm not completely without common sense - but still, I would feel much more comfortable with an experience as close to a home birth as we can get.  And that is why it means so much to us, me in particular, to get that transfer.  The birthing centre is a home from home.  They even have beds available for partners to stay over.  The transfer time is currently under 30 mins, if medical intervention were required - which we both consider acceptable - and as to epidural...I'm pretty squeamish still about epi, spinal block and the like.
On the birth plan we've started to draw up, we've decided to have an open mind on the subject of pain relief.  We've stated that we are willing to follow medical advice wherever necessary for the health of myself and the baby but that we would rather pain meds not extend to procedures which restrict my movement.  I've never liked being on my back and feel something close to anxiety if I'm in that position for more than a moment or two.  I also believe that this is certainly not the most effective position for birthing.  We are currently researching active birthing classes in our area.

Getting into the flow (24 weeks 6 days)

And wonder of wonders, we have a bump!

I discovered the evidence of an expanding tummy earlier this week.  Feeling hormonal from work stress and lack of sleep, I turned to A looking for love and sympathy.  Well, what I actually did was walk out of the bedroom, moaning "my zipper wont stay up.  I'm getting faaaatttt!"
And A - my wonderful, sensitive, loyal partner. The woman I plan to spend the rest of my days with and raise children with.  The love of my life - replied: "Don't complain.  You wanted a belly and now you have one."  Hands up.  Who can spot the clanger that set the hormonal pregnant lady off?
(For the record, A did later apologise and offer cheesecake in penance)
But to add insult to injury - later that day, the button holding up my trousers flew off and I was forced to suffer the indignity of asking the boss if he had a spare safety pin.

For the rest of the working week, I've had to make do with a pair of trousers from home that still fit me.  The maternity trousers our company provides are clearly designed by a man: they are basically regular size trousers with a ginormous non-elasticated waistband.  Even with the understanding that I'm going to get bigger, I think it's pretty clear by now that I'm never going to reach those proportions.  And even if I did, I would still want an elasticated waistband.
So far, it's only my work trousers that I have had to give up (thanks to a life-long preference for 'boys fit' clothes, I have plenty of room in most outfits) but as time marches on, I'm planning on buying belly bands to make my regular clothes last a bit longer.

In other news, we had an appointment with the midwife (W) on Tuesday.  We had to breeze through things as we had arrived late but we did get to hear baby's heartbeat for the first time.  We're starting to figure out that now she has full range of movement, she really doesn't like being spied on and will do everything she can to make it harder to check in on her.  The minute the Doppler hit my belly, she was twisting and turning cartwheels and kicking at the source of her frustration with everything she had.  We all had a laugh at how stubborn she could be.  Eventually, we got to hear a few moments of healthy heartbeat that satisfied W and left A and I in tears.
During that whistle-stop appointment, we had the usual urine and blood pressure checks, and W asked about fetal movement.  For the moment, all that is important is establishing that there is some daily movement, which we get plenty of.  Baby has recently graduated to hiccups, which means that she has started breathing and swallowing amniotic fluid in preparation for the outside world.  She gets them a lot and seems to blame me for them, as I get a tiny foot in my gut right after each one.  My blood pressure has changed from booking in: from 110/72 to 98/62, which is healthy but slightly low which may mean I'll be feeling light headed and/or dizzy and may lead to passing out.  This isn't a problem.  I've had periods of low blood pressure on account of my one kidney for as long as I can remember.  W (and mum) recommend I avoid taking long, warm baths on my own for a while (which is a shame, as it's something I've always enjoyed. Still, safety first.)
We also asked again about transferring to the birthing centre and were told that it would have to be reviewed further into third trimester (which is just around the corner!)

Ultrasound, sex reveal and update (21 weeks)

Well, it's been a year since our first insem and here we are: off the back of our second ultrasound with a healthy Baby Girl on board (the sonographer had trouble getting the perfect shot, as baby was being shy but we eventually got our view of those three little lines) We continue to have a relatively easy pregnancy and have started enjoying some of the perks: A being able to feel her kicks at 19w 6d as they become stronger and more frequent; and the friendly enquiries and fun we have as we begin to buy baby clothes and equipment.  We have been truly blessed this year.

I am now 21 weeks along and baby is roughly the size of a papaya.  I say 'roughly' because she currently measures a little under average for gestation - not that we're surprised.  Babies on my side of the family (especially girls) tend to be on the smaller side.  I'm still barely showing and have yet to give up any of my regular fitting clothes.  At the scan, baby was moving a lot; she must have been reacting to the ultrasound because it was an unusual hour for her.  One of the great things about this stage of pregnancy is that baby's periods of sleep and wakefulness are more regular.  We have been able to track her more wakeful periods quite easily now she is kicking and punching with more force.  She is most active just after breakfast, in the middle of the afternoon and somewhere around 2/3 in the morning (which apparently indicates that she's likely to be a night owl)

For the most part, this pregnancy has been treating us well and we've had few symptoms.  I have however noticed an increase in my stress levels that seem to be more hormone related than anything else.  Being more of an introvert, I've never been comfortable in crowds but as I've had years to develop coping tactics, it hasn't been an issue for a long time.  Now I've started struggling to cope with demands made on my time.  Five minutes of conversation can leave me feeling drained and close to tears.  A has been pretty understanding about my need for space but at the same time, I think she is having trouble adjusting to how quickly I snap when she is just trying to spend some time with me.  Hopefully, it gets easier with time.

I've been taking it easy these last couple weeks, after coming off my bike in traffic.  I landed pretty heavily and for the first ten minutes, I was so dizzy from the adrenalin that I could barely keep my head up.  The management team of the student letting office on the corner where it happened took me in and called the store for me to let them know what had happened.  They even arranged a rapid appointment with our health centre for me once they found out I was pregnant.  The doc who checked me out assured us (A had joined us after fetching me home from the offices) that everything checked out OK.  He said that because I was carrying small, baby was still tucked safely out of harms way in the pelvis.  Still, it was a relief to see her for ourselves at the scan later that week (she couldn't have chosen a worse time to suddenly go quiet)

We had our first baby related shopping spree this month.  We'd originally gone to the top end of town to get baby's scan pictures put onto a memory stick so that we could send them as a birthday greeting for my dad.  Whilst waiting, we browsed the charity shops in the area and found a newborn sleep-suit in near perfect condition for the price of a small coffee.
This does not mean to say that we intend to kit baby out exclusively in charity shop clothes; just that we have no qualms in using good quality used clothing whenever we find it.  Properly washed, it's no different to hand-me-down clothing from older siblings, it's possible to score branded clothing at a fraction of their original cost and it has the added benefits of re-using what could otherwise be going to landfill and contributing towards various local charities.  We've recently bought several outfits of different sizes for the first year that in total probably cost the same as two brand new ones from high-street stores.

From tiny toes to great steps forward (I think...?)

An entry of miscellaneous thoughts and happenings, since I've been too distracted to post them separately over the last few weeks.

First tiny movements felt around week 15 (wish I'd thought to write down when I first felt baby so that this milestone could be recorded accurately)  Perhaps it was due to ligament pain or the sudden increase in severity of my restless leg syndrome, perhaps it was the result of my increased need to urinate or just the intense heat of the room even with all the windows open but for a while, I established a sleeping pattern where I would be awake for long periods between 2 and 5 am.  It was during one of these hours that I felt what I, at first, took to be a tiny pulse in my lower belly.  I waited for it to happen again, making an effort to keep my breathing relaxed and steady and being consciously aware of my heart rate.  It took a moment but when it happened again, I was sure that it wasn't my pulse but the first tiny kicks I was feeling.  Because of the hour, the whole world outside was silent, like nothing else existed outside our room.  It felt perfect.
Since then, baby has started to kick with more strength and regularity.  Most often, it's just after breakfast, when I have the time to sit and talk to him/her.  It's so nice to have that morning greeting.  We even have a game we like to play, where s/he will kick and I'll place my hand on my belly to say hi.  S/he will stop and I will carry on with what I am doing.  Two minutes later, s/he will kick again and I'll stop to say hi again.  This can go on for twenty minutes at a time.

This week, we've been having a lot of discussions to re-assess where we stand on our plans for the near and continuing future.  I've had my maternity certificate tucked inside my yellow book since our 15 week appointment with W.  It needs to be handed in to my manager at 20 weeks to claim statutory maternity pay.  This will, I know, probably prompt a meeting with him to discuss maternity leave - which is a subject I have been side-stepping a lot recently. I know it's not fair for me to be so unclear, when the management team is only trying to figure out how to cover a team leader for an extended period, likely starting at a very crucial period for trading.  I've just been feeling extra vulnerable lately and the idea of broaching what's on my mind has started to bring out the old anxiety gremlins.  I would really like to start my maternity leave just before Christmas.  I would like to have the opportunity to (try to) relax before baby is born and enjoy our last Christmas as a couple.  I would really appreciate the time to be close to my mother (I never get the chance to visit when she's not working) and recently, I have been thinking about taking a career break until baby is old enough for pre-school...
I don't know. I've always said I'd be a working mother - It makes financial sense in this economy to have two wages coming in - but something inside me is saying that as much as baby would benefit from the higher income of two working mothers, it is also very important to me that s/he has the benefit of a full time mother (at least in the early years)  A strongly supports me in this and has actually encouraged me towards making this decision. Sometimes I feel like it's something she has been hoping for me to agree to and sometimes I wonder if it's something she's encouraging me in (because that's who she is) without actually thinking about the implications.  It all comes down to finances.  I may post more on this at a later date - when I have it clearer in my head.  In the meantime, we've added another book to our pregnancy library: How to afford time off with your baby by Becky Goddard-Hill, who was in the middle of her maternity leave when she decided to take a six year career break to raise their first child.  The book is written in a friendly and easy to access style with well organised chapters that include money saving ideas from pregnancy to pre-school, resource lists and support and encouragement.  Whilst our copy is a little out of date as it is second hand and we would have to do some further research on benefits, taxes and allowances if we were to seriously consider this path, this made an excellent starting point.

Looks like the cat's out of the bag at work.

We'd not been planning to break the news at work for a couple more weeks to give us time to tell our nearest and dearest first (and my sister)

But when you work with food and you run out of a duty managers' meeting to throw up, you can either let the boss think you came to work sick or bite the bullet and tell him.  On the whole, it went down quite well. The boss seems supportive, so we'll have to see if that holds when I ask to start maternity leave just before Christmas (making three years on the go) We've been given an EDD of Jan 3 but I still have a gut feeling it will be late December and would rather be settled at home before the big day.

As for the family, we've already told both of my parents and their respective partners, my sister and a couple of A's siblings.  We're having to take it slowly with A's family. Whilst they accept in principal that she is gay and in a relationship with another woman, the culture in Peru is a bit more conservative than in the UK. LGBT families in Peru have a low profile and there is not much awareness/information available so it will take time for A's side to get their heads around the idea.  So far, we've only spoken with her sisters in Ireland and the U.S.A but as we get further along, we plan to Skype with other members of the family to share our news and answer any questions that may arise.  We trust it will all work out well in the end. Faith has gotten us this far, after all.

My parents took a week or two to get used to the idea - and I still don't think my father is going to pass beyond the vaguely positive stock phrases you use for a co-worker until after we have a gender confirmation - but my mother has built up steadily to grandparent overload.  She's already been out and bought 72 newborn size nappies and located every maternity/baby store in a ten mile radius.  It's kinda cool that I can now include info about my pregnancy symptoms in our daily text message exchanges and she will respond with sympathy, tips and memories from when she was carrying me (five babies, ranging almost twenty years and despite the early signs of dementia, she can still recall with absolute certainty that I was the only baby that didn't give her tomato cravings)

As for my sister, it was a little strained.  We haven't actually spoken since last April - or had anything civil to say to each other since the Christmas before that; but I sent a hesitant two line email anyway to let her know she was going to be an aunt.  She responded with the expected stock phrases and we left it at that. I've since been told that she and her husband won't be moving to Australia as they had planned this year, delaying until early January.  Looks like we will both be at mums house for Christmas.  Have to see how that goes.

Symptom-wise, we're not really sure what to expect from second trimester.  Around week 12, my morning sickness briefly increased (by week 13, I was vomiting more during each day than the first 12 weeks combined) This has thankfully passed and I'm now only tossing my cookies at offending odours (anything egg-y, spoiled meat and over ripe bananas) and when I try to eat too early. I've also started experiencing round ligament pains - which are a b*//h! (if you'll pardon my French.)  For those who haven't experienced this joy, allow me to explain.
As the uterus grows (by 15 weeks, it has usually grown from the size of an apple to slightly larger than a grapefruit) the ligaments that support it stretch and thicken causing discomfort (a word obviously chosen by male doctors)  I can't speak for everybody, but I experience it as a sharp pain running in a curving line from mid-abdomen to lower pelvis.  Most often, I've felt it when I cough but I also get it when I twist in bed looking for a better position. It's usually over quickly but I feel echoes of it, like a pulse, for a few minutes at a time.

This morning, A and I went for our 15 week appointment with W (midwife) It was nice that she remembered us (better than the blank looks we get from GPs who see us on a regular basis) Everything is progressing nicely and she's happy with my blood pressure, weight and everything else measurable.  We were thankfully able to confirm the abdominal pain I'd been experiencing as round ligament pain (because whilst we had a good idea of what it was, certain individuals telling me it was too early had made me a little nervous that it was something else)  When W asked if the consultant had been in touch, she seemed a little confused that we hadn't heard anything but not overly concerned.  She explained that a lot of them like to wait until after the screenings and first scans are out of the way (another way of saying they prefer to see if the pregnancy is fully established) but she was certain that she had written to him, as our note was longer than the two lines she usually puts in (she wants extra care taken with the kidney issues rife in our family)  W assures us that he should be in touch soon (get the feeling that may have something to do with the sudden scribbling on her to-do list)

Ultrasound (12 weeks)

Tuesday was our first Ultrasound and I can't begin to describe how amazing it felt to actually see little Felix on the monitor.

The midwife (W) marked in our yellow book (the pregnancy records that travel to every baby appointment with us) that we are hoping to deliver at the birthing suite close by to where we live. Since they will only accept low risk pregnancies, we will have to wait until we've passed our anomaly scan around the 20th week to know if they will be able to refer us. In the mean time, we are proceeding as for a delivery at the central suite.

So for our first scan, we hopped on the bikes and headed thirty minutes across the city for the antenatal clinic at the big hospital.  We were both tired, sleep being evasive in the weather we are currently having (we've since been looking into low energy floor fans to take the edge off the room at bed-time) and I was especially irritable because of an uncomfortably full bladder but all of that changed as soon as the image of our baby appeared on the screen set up for us.  Until that moment, I think because I've had so few symptoms, it has sometimes been hard to believe that I'm pregnant.  But to see that perfectly formed image, with tiny heart beating away...It seemed so real suddenly. A took my hand and together we looked at our little miracle.  Maybe I'm a little bias but I think Felix already has my mother's nose.

Booking in (10 weeks)

Yesterday was our booking in appointment.  The lady who saw us seems nice - which is what you'd expect from a community midwife :D She explained that whilst there were two midwives based at the health centre, she would hopefully be taking most of our appointments for continuity of care.
We went through the questionnaire on lifestyle, health and family history that I had been given at the time of booking and discussed how to proceed with regards to my family's strong predisposition to kidney disorders (6 incidents in 3 generations but doctors still insist it isn't genetic.) We agreed to review where we stood after the mid-term anomaly scan.
She scored some big points with us when she actually listened to what I was saying about my concerns regarding group B strep in our family.  Rather than giving me the party line about drugs given during labour to protect the baby, she acknowledged the worry I carry as a result of my baby sister's extreme prematurity and subsequent death.  I admit, I did feel a little better once it was clear she had heard what I was trying to say.

My height and weight were taken (I've apparently shrunk since the doctor last measured me, lolz) and blood pressure, all of which were fine.  Unfortunately, when the midwife (W) tried to draw blood for the basic screening tests we had agreed to, the vein she was trying to take it from collapsed.  I've always had good veins and this has never happened to me before.  It actually felt quite embarrassing, though I've no idea why (chalk it up to hormones.)
And speaking of hormones: the leaflets that went into the pregnancy information pack we were given included a breast feeding guide.  W asked us if we were thinking to breast feed and I answered that we planned to for as long as we were able.  I got quite teary at this and we had some giggles at my expense before we concluded by making our 15 week appointment (Yay!) and arranging for me to visit vampire nurse for the screenings (Boo!)

After that, we spent a very pleasant afternoon in town with a leisurely lunch at a restaurant we rarely allow ourselves and time shopping for little necessities.  And whilst it may be a little early in the game, I finally conceded to buying a maternity bra. Yes, I may need to invest again later but I have an active job and the girls need better support than they've been getting.  I only wish I had opened the pregnancy information pack whilst we were still in town, where we could have claimed our mum-to-be bounty pack.

Quick update (8 weeks)

Eight weeks and six days by the calendar we are currently following (it may change if we are able to have a dating scan around the twelfth week) and baby, who has now graduated to foetus, is approaching the size of a prune. We've had a letter through in the last couple of weeks to confirm our booking appointment on the 9th June with the community midwife at our local health centre.

Symptoms vary from day to day.  Some days I don't feel pregnant and others, I'm dragging myself out of bed (with ill humour - poor A) at noon, wondering if I can manage a round of toast.  I have only thrown up a few times but the nausea and dry retching that follow making myself eat something I don't fancy, just for the nutrients, isn't worth it.  This has eliminated eggs from my diet (and limited them in A's to when I'm not at home and she has time to wash the dishes and air the place out)  I think I read somewhere that baby's nutritional requirements at this stage are relatively small and that I should focus on choosing the best of what I can keep down and plan to make up for it once the nausea has worn off. To this end, my diet has consisted mainly of smooth porridge, lightly buttered toast, smooth soups and toasted cheese sandwiches with the occasional Peruvian dish when my stomach is feeling brave (the spices in our favourite Peruvian condiment, 'Tari,' hit the spot just right)

And a shelf in our home office corner has now been officially designated 'the pregnancy library.'  We only have a couple of books at the moment, since we don't want information overload. The ultimate guide to pregnancy for lesbians by Rachel Pepper and What to expect when you're expecting by Heidi Murkoff and Sharon Mazel are books I have been reading from cover to cover since before we began actively trying.  I enjoy the open, honest style of Pepper's 'Ultimate Guide,' and find her inclusion of personal anecdotes a friendly, inviting touch.  And whilst I find 'What to expect' a little dry (not to mention hetero-centric) I've found it makes for a good bare-bones quick reference guide.  we're also keeping a folder of articles cut out from pregnancy and parenting magazines that range from pregnancy complications to fun ways to announce you're pregnant and from attachment parenting to raising resilient children. These provide great starting points for conversation as well as making for some interesting and enjoyable reading.

Early days

According to most net-based calculators, we are currently six weeks and two days pregnant; so, into our seventh week. Baby is the size of a blueberry, has a twin chambered heart that is already beating and little buds that will one day be arms and legs - already segmenting into the beginnings of tiny fingers and toes!

My earlier symptoms have started to ease up; my back and breasts are no longer quite so sore.  I was a bit concerned by this and have re-tested a couple more times since we first found out, just for reassurance that s/he was still there.  On one occasion, after a particularly vivid dream where I'd started bleeding, I called A at work in tears - and she not only calmed me down but stayed on the line whilst I tested again. Have I mentioned recently how much I love my partner?  Thankfully (and I say this with some irony), there is one daily reminder that baby is still with us.  Due to an increasingly sensitive tummy, I've had to adapt my breakfast habits.  Where once I would get up and sit to a large bowl of cereal, followed by a cup of peppermint or chamomile, now I have to start my day with a cup of black tea with milk (slowly) and then maybe half a bowl of cereal, and if my stomach has calmed down after a couple hours I'll try some toast or digestive biscuits (reduced salt, of course)

There were no appointments available at the health centre when we called but I was able to get a phone consultation and from that a recommendation to proceed straight to booking in with a midwife.

That same day, I headed down to the centre and filled out the paperwork with the understanding that the midwife would get back to me to schedule our first appointment.  There were a couple things that concerned me about the paperwork that I didn't get a chance to clarify with the receptionist, as she was particularly busy; mainly, the choice of birth centre.  It sates on the form that the choice must be made before the first appointment with the midwife.  Feeling flustered, I may have misinterpreted this to mean 'indicate now.'  Of the four listed centres, I only recognised two and one was on the other side of the city. I circled the other, still wondering how we would make it - twenty minutes away - in an emergency scenario when neither of us can drive. 

Getting home and reading the literature provided (including a booklet on the facilities in our city) we figured out that one of the locations I hadn't been able to identify was actually quite close to us.  From the centre's description, it seems almost perfect: a home from home environment, with four birth rooms - all of which have pools for labour and birthing, and en-suite facilities - and partners are able to stay following the birth.
We haven't heard back from the midwife yet but when we do we hope that this mistake can be rectified.

Thoughts

It's so surreal.

We've been trying for a while to get pregnant and yet, it was still a complete surprise when the indicator flashed up 'Pregnant' - even after the previous positive (a picture of which is now the screensaver on my laptop)  After we got the results, we laughed, we hugged and then we didn't quite know what else to do.  We sat talking about mundane things: the shifts we were working, our dinner plans; all the while, we kept exchanging excited looks and glancing over at the test stick, where it sat on our side table among tea cups, newspapers and discarded keys like some bizarre ornament. And every time we looked, it still said 'Pregnant'

A and I both had to work today and whilst I can't speak for A, I certainly went about my day as if in a complete daze. How much I wanted to tell everybody I saw that I was pregnant; that A and I are having a baby.  But we decided a while back that we weren't going to tell anybody before we got to 10 weeks, and so any time somebody asked me today why I was so happy, I'd smile and reply that I'd had a good breakfast and all was right with the world.

next step is getting an appointment at the health centre on Friday.

! ! !