It's been a while since I last posted. For a number of reasons, which I wont go into right now, A and I have not yet begun actively trying and we preferred to blog when we actually had something to say. Well, now we are looking at a change in the starting line-up, so here I am again.
When we first started talking about the practicalities of getting pregnant, A mentioned that her relative had volunteered to be a donor shortly after she first came out to him. I had been especially taken with the idea of being able to see that bit of her in our baby. From that point on, our baby talks had always begun the same way: 'if M agrees...'
Around that time, we had also started researching a sperm bank online as a back-up plan. I wasn't quite sure if the practicalities of ordering from the international distributor was the intimate experience we were hoping for and some part of me had wondered that if by looking we were admitting there would come a time when we would have to reach that compromise; and if so, at what stage we would need to decide that we were ready to do that. It was at this time that we met R.
R very quickly became a close friend of ours when he moved to England from his native Spain last year. So when he came to me one day voicing his concern at my distraction, I was able to trust him enough to confide our hopes of starting a family and my upset at the recent diagnosis of PCO that would make our attempts that little bit more complicated. I explained my frustration at how the NHS would not subsidise fertility treatment for same-sex couples and how I refused to compromise by continuing as a 'single' woman. When I told him how much it would cost privately, adding the cost of buying and shipping sperm, and voiced irritation at how much that would eat into our baby-savings when all we really needed was a healthy man to donate his sperm on the understanding that we did not intend him to be a legal parent, R volunteered to be a donor. Focused on wrestling a heavy delivery cage at the time, I didn't quite register what he had said until I stopped and took a breather.
Thing is, A and I are quite happy about the fact that our current donor is a relative of A's - thus assuring A a biological tie to the baby. So why is this even an issue? Well, to be honest, A just isn't as concerned about donor choice as I am. And the more I have time to think about it, the more I just want to settle down with A and our baby (Felix. An inside joke and the pre-birth name of our future bump) regardless of where he/she came from. As I often say in reference to my step-father, your real parents are the people who raise you. Whoever the donor is, our baby will be just as much A's as mine. So with that in mind, I took a closer look at R.
R is apparently quite attractive, if the reactions of our younger female customers are any indication (I'm a poor judge of male beauty) He's educated to university level and speaks three languages with a fair degree of fluency. He's interested in history and culture, has a healthy appetite, build and attitude and he's over 5' 5". He meets all of our requirements. Plus, he has dark hair and eyes just like A and his ethnicity is in part similar to A's. That he lives 30 minutes walk from our flat is also a point to take into serious consideration.
Though it hung in the air between us for a long time after that, nothing more was said about it till last week, when the three of us went out for a drink to mark the temporary break in R's studies. At the end of the evening, R spoke seriously to the both of us, saying that he had been thinking over the situation we were in for the past few months and researching my condition in order to better understand how he could help. He asserted that he would still like to be a donor, if we were interested and that he was willing to make whatever commitments we felt were necessary to conceive our baby. We were touched by his offer and expressed how grateful we were but I still needed to be sure he knew what he was saying - without the alcohol in his system. We agreed to meet for dinner a week later to discuss the possibility further. During that time, R could research and ask us as many questions as he needed to be comfortable with his decision.
When R turned up for dinner this week, not only had he decided to proceed, he had spent an impressive amount of time and effort researching his responsibilities as a donor, from diet and exercise to lifestyle and potential timetables. He had also attempted to visit a sexual health clinic to discuss getting his 'boys' tested but had missed their opening times. Satisfied about his understanding of this undertaking and his commitment and haven spoken about our vision of his role in our child's life as 'Tio' (uncle) we have decided to proceed with R, working with three donations a cycle once his labs have cleared.
*Waves (potentially) the last glass of wine* To the next step. Cheers!
