The "I'm-too-lazy-to-think-of-a-title" post (34 weeks)

Well, it's six weeks to my due date; and whilst I am technically using my holiday hours up between now and Christmas, to all intents and purposes maternity leave has begun.  A is currently in Ireland for her sister's wedding and I am sitting in an empty flat, surrounded by newborn clothes and terry squares (not even born yet and all this washing!)

This week has passed by in that strange fashion of being both too fast and too slow, that anyone who has been in the position of 'use-your-holiday-hours-or-lose-them,' will be familiar with.  Days are mostly filled up with daily walks into town to stay limber (with lattes at the end, as a reward - decaf, of course) coming home to laundry and emails, wandering about the house doing nothing in particular and then in bed by 9:30 (mainly because I wake at 2am most days and can't get back to sleep)

At the start of the week, I was staying with my brothers whilst mum was at a wedding (so many in November) and I finally told them about the baby.  I arrived late to the house on the Thursday night and mum called my brothers into the front room saying there was something I would like to tell them.  When I said I wasn't sure where to start, my stepfather suggested I start where I was and go from there.  "About eight months, then?" I tried; immediately J, the older of the two, looked up at me with the beginnings of a grin.  M, I had to spell it out for, since he wasn't able to make the connection.  Like a number of children on the Autistic spectrum, M sometimes has difficulty with big changes but he took this news quite well, asking questions and thinking of activities he could do with his new niece once she's born.  J was obviously trying to play the cool teenager *insert eye-roll* but was actually quite attentive to me all weekend: sitting in the front room with me when he would usually skulk in his room, fetching drinks and snacks for me at regular intervals.  Lol, I called M over to feel baby kicking one evening, since he'd expressed an interest, and even though he didn't look up from his x-box game, J subtly shifted closer, just waiting for an invitation to take his turn.

My sister was with us for the weekend too.  She actually surprised me with the amount of interest she showed, not really being a baby person herself.  I think she may have bought up an entire branch of Mothercare, the number of vests, socks, muslins, and tiny two-piece outfits she presented me with on arrival.  She's always said that pregnant bellies freak her out (lol) but she seemed to be okay with my tiny bump.  I think it may have made a difference that I always turned away from her when baby's movements were becoming more visible and that because I've always taken care to stay hydrated and keep my skin moisturised*, I still don't have stretch marks.

At last appointment with the midwife, baby and I are both doing well.  My blood pressure is back up into 'normal' range, baby's heart rate is perfect and the fundus height (basically a measurement of the uterus, taken from top of the uterus to the pubic bone) is just right.  I was asked the usual questions for this stage of pregnancy: daily movement (oooh, yes!) swelling (nope) have we started a birth plan? (first draft done and it's getting reviewed regularly) anything else I'd like to talk about?
...Well, yes.  I've recently started wondering if the large itchy rash that I've been struggling with for the past month (that is slowly driving me crazy) could possibly be polymorphic eruption (some people may still know it as PUPPS)  Apparently, the midwife was stumped by that one.  She looked it up and agreed that it did sound like polymorphic eruption of pregnancy, which typically presents in the third trimester of first pregnancies, but that she'd never seen it before.  She says that if it's bothering me, I should talk to my GP about it. I'll see if I can get an appointment on Monday.
The last point we covered was that baby had not turned head down yet.  At this stage, it's not a big issue but the midwife says that if baby hasn't turned by our next appointment at the start of December, we will need to book in for a presentation scan to see what she's up to.  (I happen to know, based on her daily movements, that the little madam is still turning cartwheels in there; so it can't be obstruction.  She just doesn't feel like it yet.)

*in case you are interested btw, I've been using Cussons Mum and Me Bump Stretch Mark Cream twice daily, since week 20 - around the time my bump started to show and my skin first started getting dry and itchy.

Update (31 weeks 2 days)

Well, I've been meaning to post for a while but between work and getting ready for baby, there hasn't been much energy left to do so.  This one's just a quick miscellaneous entry to catch up and I hope to begin posting a bit more reliably once I take annual leave in a couple weeks.

Baby and me: According to the books, baby weighs approximately 4lbs this week and is roughly the size of a pineapple. She's a very active little girl, her busiest periods being at breakfast, lunch, late evening and around 2/3 am.

Symptoms now I'm officially into third trimester include mainly tiredness and breathlessness as baby gets bigger and puts more strain on my body; and  I'm peeing a bit more often, though it doesn't really affect day to day life so much at this stage.  In the last couple weeks, I've been getting some form of acid reflux.  I'm hesitant to call it heartburn, since I only really feel it in my throat, it seems to be at it's worst if I've been for more than 3 hours without eating and it is aggravated by dairy (as I found out when trying to ease it with a milk and honey remedy)  At the moment I'm having some success in easing it with peppermint tea.

Parentcraft Class: Birth In October, we attended the first of our parentcraft classes; and in the two hour session on birth, we covered quite a lot of ground.  This session was an open class led by our midwife and we were apparently a larger audience than she was used to - about twenty of us in all, mostly couples.  The class covered early signs of labour, when to call the midwife/go to the hospital, the process of labour (with some rather amusing props) birthing positions and a discussion on common forms of pain relief.

We were a little disappointed that this was only a two hour session instead of the multi-week course they used to run, feeling we could have benefitted from separate sessions on the various topics covered (as always with the NHS, it came down to funding) but on the whole, we found it to be a positive experience.  We went at a pace that covered everything neatly within the session's allotted time with most questions getting answered or referred to an appropriate and accessible source.  We  liked that time was taken to explain the birthing partner's role and techniques they could use to help at different stages of labour.  It was especially comforting to hear the midwife offer honest accounts of her own labour and the experiences she had in supporting other women during theirs.

Bump Band:  As my belly finally started to expand (the waistline still oddly narrow in proportion) I took the time to hunt around in town for a support band that would bridge the widening gap between the waistband of my trousers and the hem of my shirt (because I'm far too hot most days to dig out the winter wardrobe)  What I hadn't counted on were two things:
1: There are no mother and baby shops in the city centre.  You have to drive (or in our case, take the bus) to a shopping mall miles out from the city centre to find so much as a Mothercare.  The alternatives for those of us who don't have all day to jump from pillar to post are either go online or hope they carry what you're after in Boots or the maternity corner of one of the department stores (yes, corner.  Apparently, it's not worth a full department any more)
2.  My size is apparently not big enough to be expected to need a support band.  Everywhere I looked, I could find nothing for the smaller bump.
It took three stores and five staff members to eventually find something in my size.

Stepping out with our baby (Bump!) - 26 weeks 2 days

Week 26, and our baby is now the size of a head of lettuce (or, since she's measuring small, maybe a large cauliflower) By the end of the week, we will be rounding into third (trimester, that is) and we will have entered into that magic phase where baby's chances of survival, should she be born prematurely, raise to a very acceptable 80 - 95% (depending on various factors)
As to me, I'm feeling a little more sluggish recently.  I've been sleeping in a little more, running around a little less during the day and often falling asleep in my chair towards the end of the evening.  This week, I have been experiencing hot flushes more often, which are certainly no fun when I'm stuck wearing a fleece to protect baby from the cold atmosphere of our store. And I've had frequent moments of light headedness during the day, despite my blood pressure raising to more comfortable levels. At this stage, I'm feeling very grateful that I have such a supportive partner and for the care and consideration of my colleagues.

Finally got in our consultant's appointment on the last day of week 25.  I went on my own for this one, since it was mainly to do with my health and less about the baby's.  We had a short discussion about the reasons I had been referred (namely my kidney and the family history of diabetes) and I had blood drawn to assess kidney function.  It will be another week before we know the lab results but when I mentioned that we were hoping to transfer to the birthing centre, she [the consultant] didn't say anything discouraging.  In fact, she was quite enthusiastic about the experience there, with only a minor mention of transfer times if medical intervention should become necessary and the fact that epidurals are not an option there.

Obviously, we can't say for sure what the birth experience will be like for us.  I know that it's possible to get some idea by looking at my mother's birth experiences (the ones that were delivered naturally, anyway) and on the whole, it looks promising if genetics are any indicator.  All my mothers pregnancies were strong and healthy (which is good, since my first seems to be mirroring hers) As far as girls are concerned, both I and my sister were significantly smaller than average (approximately the same as little Felix is estimated to be) and were delivered in under an hour on gas and air.  In ideal circumstances, I would most like to have a home birth (although A prefers the idea of having medical assistance close to hand)  The NHS is very discouraging of home births for first time mothers - and I can understand their point of view, I'm not completely without common sense - but still, I would feel much more comfortable with an experience as close to a home birth as we can get.  And that is why it means so much to us, me in particular, to get that transfer.  The birthing centre is a home from home.  They even have beds available for partners to stay over.  The transfer time is currently under 30 mins, if medical intervention were required - which we both consider acceptable - and as to epidural...I'm pretty squeamish still about epi, spinal block and the like.
On the birth plan we've started to draw up, we've decided to have an open mind on the subject of pain relief.  We've stated that we are willing to follow medical advice wherever necessary for the health of myself and the baby but that we would rather pain meds not extend to procedures which restrict my movement.  I've never liked being on my back and feel something close to anxiety if I'm in that position for more than a moment or two.  I also believe that this is certainly not the most effective position for birthing.  We are currently researching active birthing classes in our area.

Getting into the flow (24 weeks 6 days)

And wonder of wonders, we have a bump!

I discovered the evidence of an expanding tummy earlier this week.  Feeling hormonal from work stress and lack of sleep, I turned to A looking for love and sympathy.  Well, what I actually did was walk out of the bedroom, moaning "my zipper wont stay up.  I'm getting faaaatttt!"
And A - my wonderful, sensitive, loyal partner. The woman I plan to spend the rest of my days with and raise children with.  The love of my life - replied: "Don't complain.  You wanted a belly and now you have one."  Hands up.  Who can spot the clanger that set the hormonal pregnant lady off?
(For the record, A did later apologise and offer cheesecake in penance)
But to add insult to injury - later that day, the button holding up my trousers flew off and I was forced to suffer the indignity of asking the boss if he had a spare safety pin.

For the rest of the working week, I've had to make do with a pair of trousers from home that still fit me.  The maternity trousers our company provides are clearly designed by a man: they are basically regular size trousers with a ginormous non-elasticated waistband.  Even with the understanding that I'm going to get bigger, I think it's pretty clear by now that I'm never going to reach those proportions.  And even if I did, I would still want an elasticated waistband.
So far, it's only my work trousers that I have had to give up (thanks to a life-long preference for 'boys fit' clothes, I have plenty of room in most outfits) but as time marches on, I'm planning on buying belly bands to make my regular clothes last a bit longer.

In other news, we had an appointment with the midwife (W) on Tuesday.  We had to breeze through things as we had arrived late but we did get to hear baby's heartbeat for the first time.  We're starting to figure out that now she has full range of movement, she really doesn't like being spied on and will do everything she can to make it harder to check in on her.  The minute the Doppler hit my belly, she was twisting and turning cartwheels and kicking at the source of her frustration with everything she had.  We all had a laugh at how stubborn she could be.  Eventually, we got to hear a few moments of healthy heartbeat that satisfied W and left A and I in tears.
During that whistle-stop appointment, we had the usual urine and blood pressure checks, and W asked about fetal movement.  For the moment, all that is important is establishing that there is some daily movement, which we get plenty of.  Baby has recently graduated to hiccups, which means that she has started breathing and swallowing amniotic fluid in preparation for the outside world.  She gets them a lot and seems to blame me for them, as I get a tiny foot in my gut right after each one.  My blood pressure has changed from booking in: from 110/72 to 98/62, which is healthy but slightly low which may mean I'll be feeling light headed and/or dizzy and may lead to passing out.  This isn't a problem.  I've had periods of low blood pressure on account of my one kidney for as long as I can remember.  W (and mum) recommend I avoid taking long, warm baths on my own for a while (which is a shame, as it's something I've always enjoyed. Still, safety first.)
We also asked again about transferring to the birthing centre and were told that it would have to be reviewed further into third trimester (which is just around the corner!)

Ultrasound, sex reveal and update (21 weeks)

Well, it's been a year since our first insem and here we are: off the back of our second ultrasound with a healthy Baby Girl on board (the sonographer had trouble getting the perfect shot, as baby was being shy but we eventually got our view of those three little lines) We continue to have a relatively easy pregnancy and have started enjoying some of the perks: A being able to feel her kicks at 19w 6d as they become stronger and more frequent; and the friendly enquiries and fun we have as we begin to buy baby clothes and equipment.  We have been truly blessed this year.

I am now 21 weeks along and baby is roughly the size of a papaya.  I say 'roughly' because she currently measures a little under average for gestation - not that we're surprised.  Babies on my side of the family (especially girls) tend to be on the smaller side.  I'm still barely showing and have yet to give up any of my regular fitting clothes.  At the scan, baby was moving a lot; she must have been reacting to the ultrasound because it was an unusual hour for her.  One of the great things about this stage of pregnancy is that baby's periods of sleep and wakefulness are more regular.  We have been able to track her more wakeful periods quite easily now she is kicking and punching with more force.  She is most active just after breakfast, in the middle of the afternoon and somewhere around 2/3 in the morning (which apparently indicates that she's likely to be a night owl)

For the most part, this pregnancy has been treating us well and we've had few symptoms.  I have however noticed an increase in my stress levels that seem to be more hormone related than anything else.  Being more of an introvert, I've never been comfortable in crowds but as I've had years to develop coping tactics, it hasn't been an issue for a long time.  Now I've started struggling to cope with demands made on my time.  Five minutes of conversation can leave me feeling drained and close to tears.  A has been pretty understanding about my need for space but at the same time, I think she is having trouble adjusting to how quickly I snap when she is just trying to spend some time with me.  Hopefully, it gets easier with time.

I've been taking it easy these last couple weeks, after coming off my bike in traffic.  I landed pretty heavily and for the first ten minutes, I was so dizzy from the adrenalin that I could barely keep my head up.  The management team of the student letting office on the corner where it happened took me in and called the store for me to let them know what had happened.  They even arranged a rapid appointment with our health centre for me once they found out I was pregnant.  The doc who checked me out assured us (A had joined us after fetching me home from the offices) that everything checked out OK.  He said that because I was carrying small, baby was still tucked safely out of harms way in the pelvis.  Still, it was a relief to see her for ourselves at the scan later that week (she couldn't have chosen a worse time to suddenly go quiet)

We had our first baby related shopping spree this month.  We'd originally gone to the top end of town to get baby's scan pictures put onto a memory stick so that we could send them as a birthday greeting for my dad.  Whilst waiting, we browsed the charity shops in the area and found a newborn sleep-suit in near perfect condition for the price of a small coffee.
This does not mean to say that we intend to kit baby out exclusively in charity shop clothes; just that we have no qualms in using good quality used clothing whenever we find it.  Properly washed, it's no different to hand-me-down clothing from older siblings, it's possible to score branded clothing at a fraction of their original cost and it has the added benefits of re-using what could otherwise be going to landfill and contributing towards various local charities.  We've recently bought several outfits of different sizes for the first year that in total probably cost the same as two brand new ones from high-street stores.

From tiny toes to great steps forward (I think...?)

An entry of miscellaneous thoughts and happenings, since I've been too distracted to post them separately over the last few weeks.

First tiny movements felt around week 15 (wish I'd thought to write down when I first felt baby so that this milestone could be recorded accurately)  Perhaps it was due to ligament pain or the sudden increase in severity of my restless leg syndrome, perhaps it was the result of my increased need to urinate or just the intense heat of the room even with all the windows open but for a while, I established a sleeping pattern where I would be awake for long periods between 2 and 5 am.  It was during one of these hours that I felt what I, at first, took to be a tiny pulse in my lower belly.  I waited for it to happen again, making an effort to keep my breathing relaxed and steady and being consciously aware of my heart rate.  It took a moment but when it happened again, I was sure that it wasn't my pulse but the first tiny kicks I was feeling.  Because of the hour, the whole world outside was silent, like nothing else existed outside our room.  It felt perfect.
Since then, baby has started to kick with more strength and regularity.  Most often, it's just after breakfast, when I have the time to sit and talk to him/her.  It's so nice to have that morning greeting.  We even have a game we like to play, where s/he will kick and I'll place my hand on my belly to say hi.  S/he will stop and I will carry on with what I am doing.  Two minutes later, s/he will kick again and I'll stop to say hi again.  This can go on for twenty minutes at a time.

This week, we've been having a lot of discussions to re-assess where we stand on our plans for the near and continuing future.  I've had my maternity certificate tucked inside my yellow book since our 15 week appointment with W.  It needs to be handed in to my manager at 20 weeks to claim statutory maternity pay.  This will, I know, probably prompt a meeting with him to discuss maternity leave - which is a subject I have been side-stepping a lot recently. I know it's not fair for me to be so unclear, when the management team is only trying to figure out how to cover a team leader for an extended period, likely starting at a very crucial period for trading.  I've just been feeling extra vulnerable lately and the idea of broaching what's on my mind has started to bring out the old anxiety gremlins.  I would really like to start my maternity leave just before Christmas.  I would like to have the opportunity to (try to) relax before baby is born and enjoy our last Christmas as a couple.  I would really appreciate the time to be close to my mother (I never get the chance to visit when she's not working) and recently, I have been thinking about taking a career break until baby is old enough for pre-school...
I don't know. I've always said I'd be a working mother - It makes financial sense in this economy to have two wages coming in - but something inside me is saying that as much as baby would benefit from the higher income of two working mothers, it is also very important to me that s/he has the benefit of a full time mother (at least in the early years)  A strongly supports me in this and has actually encouraged me towards making this decision. Sometimes I feel like it's something she has been hoping for me to agree to and sometimes I wonder if it's something she's encouraging me in (because that's who she is) without actually thinking about the implications.  It all comes down to finances.  I may post more on this at a later date - when I have it clearer in my head.  In the meantime, we've added another book to our pregnancy library: How to afford time off with your baby by Becky Goddard-Hill, who was in the middle of her maternity leave when she decided to take a six year career break to raise their first child.  The book is written in a friendly and easy to access style with well organised chapters that include money saving ideas from pregnancy to pre-school, resource lists and support and encouragement.  Whilst our copy is a little out of date as it is second hand and we would have to do some further research on benefits, taxes and allowances if we were to seriously consider this path, this made an excellent starting point.

Looks like the cat's out of the bag at work.

We'd not been planning to break the news at work for a couple more weeks to give us time to tell our nearest and dearest first (and my sister)

But when you work with food and you run out of a duty managers' meeting to throw up, you can either let the boss think you came to work sick or bite the bullet and tell him.  On the whole, it went down quite well. The boss seems supportive, so we'll have to see if that holds when I ask to start maternity leave just before Christmas (making three years on the go) We've been given an EDD of Jan 3 but I still have a gut feeling it will be late December and would rather be settled at home before the big day.

As for the family, we've already told both of my parents and their respective partners, my sister and a couple of A's siblings.  We're having to take it slowly with A's family. Whilst they accept in principal that she is gay and in a relationship with another woman, the culture in Peru is a bit more conservative than in the UK. LGBT families in Peru have a low profile and there is not much awareness/information available so it will take time for A's side to get their heads around the idea.  So far, we've only spoken with her sisters in Ireland and the U.S.A but as we get further along, we plan to Skype with other members of the family to share our news and answer any questions that may arise.  We trust it will all work out well in the end. Faith has gotten us this far, after all.

My parents took a week or two to get used to the idea - and I still don't think my father is going to pass beyond the vaguely positive stock phrases you use for a co-worker until after we have a gender confirmation - but my mother has built up steadily to grandparent overload.  She's already been out and bought 72 newborn size nappies and located every maternity/baby store in a ten mile radius.  It's kinda cool that I can now include info about my pregnancy symptoms in our daily text message exchanges and she will respond with sympathy, tips and memories from when she was carrying me (five babies, ranging almost twenty years and despite the early signs of dementia, she can still recall with absolute certainty that I was the only baby that didn't give her tomato cravings)

As for my sister, it was a little strained.  We haven't actually spoken since last April - or had anything civil to say to each other since the Christmas before that; but I sent a hesitant two line email anyway to let her know she was going to be an aunt.  She responded with the expected stock phrases and we left it at that. I've since been told that she and her husband won't be moving to Australia as they had planned this year, delaying until early January.  Looks like we will both be at mums house for Christmas.  Have to see how that goes.

Symptom-wise, we're not really sure what to expect from second trimester.  Around week 12, my morning sickness briefly increased (by week 13, I was vomiting more during each day than the first 12 weeks combined) This has thankfully passed and I'm now only tossing my cookies at offending odours (anything egg-y, spoiled meat and over ripe bananas) and when I try to eat too early. I've also started experiencing round ligament pains - which are a b*//h! (if you'll pardon my French.)  For those who haven't experienced this joy, allow me to explain.
As the uterus grows (by 15 weeks, it has usually grown from the size of an apple to slightly larger than a grapefruit) the ligaments that support it stretch and thicken causing discomfort (a word obviously chosen by male doctors)  I can't speak for everybody, but I experience it as a sharp pain running in a curving line from mid-abdomen to lower pelvis.  Most often, I've felt it when I cough but I also get it when I twist in bed looking for a better position. It's usually over quickly but I feel echoes of it, like a pulse, for a few minutes at a time.

This morning, A and I went for our 15 week appointment with W (midwife) It was nice that she remembered us (better than the blank looks we get from GPs who see us on a regular basis) Everything is progressing nicely and she's happy with my blood pressure, weight and everything else measurable.  We were thankfully able to confirm the abdominal pain I'd been experiencing as round ligament pain (because whilst we had a good idea of what it was, certain individuals telling me it was too early had made me a little nervous that it was something else)  When W asked if the consultant had been in touch, she seemed a little confused that we hadn't heard anything but not overly concerned.  She explained that a lot of them like to wait until after the screenings and first scans are out of the way (another way of saying they prefer to see if the pregnancy is fully established) but she was certain that she had written to him, as our note was longer than the two lines she usually puts in (she wants extra care taken with the kidney issues rife in our family)  W assures us that he should be in touch soon (get the feeling that may have something to do with the sudden scribbling on her to-do list)

Ultrasound (12 weeks)

Tuesday was our first Ultrasound and I can't begin to describe how amazing it felt to actually see little Felix on the monitor.

The midwife (W) marked in our yellow book (the pregnancy records that travel to every baby appointment with us) that we are hoping to deliver at the birthing suite close by to where we live. Since they will only accept low risk pregnancies, we will have to wait until we've passed our anomaly scan around the 20th week to know if they will be able to refer us. In the mean time, we are proceeding as for a delivery at the central suite.

So for our first scan, we hopped on the bikes and headed thirty minutes across the city for the antenatal clinic at the big hospital.  We were both tired, sleep being evasive in the weather we are currently having (we've since been looking into low energy floor fans to take the edge off the room at bed-time) and I was especially irritable because of an uncomfortably full bladder but all of that changed as soon as the image of our baby appeared on the screen set up for us.  Until that moment, I think because I've had so few symptoms, it has sometimes been hard to believe that I'm pregnant.  But to see that perfectly formed image, with tiny heart beating away...It seemed so real suddenly. A took my hand and together we looked at our little miracle.  Maybe I'm a little bias but I think Felix already has my mother's nose.

Booking in (10 weeks)

Yesterday was our booking in appointment.  The lady who saw us seems nice - which is what you'd expect from a community midwife :D She explained that whilst there were two midwives based at the health centre, she would hopefully be taking most of our appointments for continuity of care.
We went through the questionnaire on lifestyle, health and family history that I had been given at the time of booking and discussed how to proceed with regards to my family's strong predisposition to kidney disorders (6 incidents in 3 generations but doctors still insist it isn't genetic.) We agreed to review where we stood after the mid-term anomaly scan.
She scored some big points with us when she actually listened to what I was saying about my concerns regarding group B strep in our family.  Rather than giving me the party line about drugs given during labour to protect the baby, she acknowledged the worry I carry as a result of my baby sister's extreme prematurity and subsequent death.  I admit, I did feel a little better once it was clear she had heard what I was trying to say.

My height and weight were taken (I've apparently shrunk since the doctor last measured me, lolz) and blood pressure, all of which were fine.  Unfortunately, when the midwife (W) tried to draw blood for the basic screening tests we had agreed to, the vein she was trying to take it from collapsed.  I've always had good veins and this has never happened to me before.  It actually felt quite embarrassing, though I've no idea why (chalk it up to hormones.)
And speaking of hormones: the leaflets that went into the pregnancy information pack we were given included a breast feeding guide.  W asked us if we were thinking to breast feed and I answered that we planned to for as long as we were able.  I got quite teary at this and we had some giggles at my expense before we concluded by making our 15 week appointment (Yay!) and arranging for me to visit vampire nurse for the screenings (Boo!)

After that, we spent a very pleasant afternoon in town with a leisurely lunch at a restaurant we rarely allow ourselves and time shopping for little necessities.  And whilst it may be a little early in the game, I finally conceded to buying a maternity bra. Yes, I may need to invest again later but I have an active job and the girls need better support than they've been getting.  I only wish I had opened the pregnancy information pack whilst we were still in town, where we could have claimed our mum-to-be bounty pack.

Quick update (8 weeks)

Eight weeks and six days by the calendar we are currently following (it may change if we are able to have a dating scan around the twelfth week) and baby, who has now graduated to foetus, is approaching the size of a prune. We've had a letter through in the last couple of weeks to confirm our booking appointment on the 9th June with the community midwife at our local health centre.

Symptoms vary from day to day.  Some days I don't feel pregnant and others, I'm dragging myself out of bed (with ill humour - poor A) at noon, wondering if I can manage a round of toast.  I have only thrown up a few times but the nausea and dry retching that follow making myself eat something I don't fancy, just for the nutrients, isn't worth it.  This has eliminated eggs from my diet (and limited them in A's to when I'm not at home and she has time to wash the dishes and air the place out)  I think I read somewhere that baby's nutritional requirements at this stage are relatively small and that I should focus on choosing the best of what I can keep down and plan to make up for it once the nausea has worn off. To this end, my diet has consisted mainly of smooth porridge, lightly buttered toast, smooth soups and toasted cheese sandwiches with the occasional Peruvian dish when my stomach is feeling brave (the spices in our favourite Peruvian condiment, 'Tari,' hit the spot just right)

And a shelf in our home office corner has now been officially designated 'the pregnancy library.'  We only have a couple of books at the moment, since we don't want information overload. The ultimate guide to pregnancy for lesbians by Rachel Pepper and What to expect when you're expecting by Heidi Murkoff and Sharon Mazel are books I have been reading from cover to cover since before we began actively trying.  I enjoy the open, honest style of Pepper's 'Ultimate Guide,' and find her inclusion of personal anecdotes a friendly, inviting touch.  And whilst I find 'What to expect' a little dry (not to mention hetero-centric) I've found it makes for a good bare-bones quick reference guide.  we're also keeping a folder of articles cut out from pregnancy and parenting magazines that range from pregnancy complications to fun ways to announce you're pregnant and from attachment parenting to raising resilient children. These provide great starting points for conversation as well as making for some interesting and enjoyable reading.

Early days

According to most net-based calculators, we are currently six weeks and two days pregnant; so, into our seventh week. Baby is the size of a blueberry, has a twin chambered heart that is already beating and little buds that will one day be arms and legs - already segmenting into the beginnings of tiny fingers and toes!

My earlier symptoms have started to ease up; my back and breasts are no longer quite so sore.  I was a bit concerned by this and have re-tested a couple more times since we first found out, just for reassurance that s/he was still there.  On one occasion, after a particularly vivid dream where I'd started bleeding, I called A at work in tears - and she not only calmed me down but stayed on the line whilst I tested again. Have I mentioned recently how much I love my partner?  Thankfully (and I say this with some irony), there is one daily reminder that baby is still with us.  Due to an increasingly sensitive tummy, I've had to adapt my breakfast habits.  Where once I would get up and sit to a large bowl of cereal, followed by a cup of peppermint or chamomile, now I have to start my day with a cup of black tea with milk (slowly) and then maybe half a bowl of cereal, and if my stomach has calmed down after a couple hours I'll try some toast or digestive biscuits (reduced salt, of course)

There were no appointments available at the health centre when we called but I was able to get a phone consultation and from that a recommendation to proceed straight to booking in with a midwife.

That same day, I headed down to the centre and filled out the paperwork with the understanding that the midwife would get back to me to schedule our first appointment.  There were a couple things that concerned me about the paperwork that I didn't get a chance to clarify with the receptionist, as she was particularly busy; mainly, the choice of birth centre.  It sates on the form that the choice must be made before the first appointment with the midwife.  Feeling flustered, I may have misinterpreted this to mean 'indicate now.'  Of the four listed centres, I only recognised two and one was on the other side of the city. I circled the other, still wondering how we would make it - twenty minutes away - in an emergency scenario when neither of us can drive. 

Getting home and reading the literature provided (including a booklet on the facilities in our city) we figured out that one of the locations I hadn't been able to identify was actually quite close to us.  From the centre's description, it seems almost perfect: a home from home environment, with four birth rooms - all of which have pools for labour and birthing, and en-suite facilities - and partners are able to stay following the birth.
We haven't heard back from the midwife yet but when we do we hope that this mistake can be rectified.

Thoughts

It's so surreal.

We've been trying for a while to get pregnant and yet, it was still a complete surprise when the indicator flashed up 'Pregnant' - even after the previous positive (a picture of which is now the screensaver on my laptop)  After we got the results, we laughed, we hugged and then we didn't quite know what else to do.  We sat talking about mundane things: the shifts we were working, our dinner plans; all the while, we kept exchanging excited looks and glancing over at the test stick, where it sat on our side table among tea cups, newspapers and discarded keys like some bizarre ornament. And every time we looked, it still said 'Pregnant'

A and I both had to work today and whilst I can't speak for A, I certainly went about my day as if in a complete daze. How much I wanted to tell everybody I saw that I was pregnant; that A and I are having a baby.  But we decided a while back that we weren't going to tell anybody before we got to 10 weeks, and so any time somebody asked me today why I was so happy, I'd smile and reply that I'd had a good breakfast and all was right with the world.

next step is getting an appointment at the health centre on Friday.

! ! !

There are no words

From the time I first started posting, I have probably spent hours planning the mega post that this would be. Instead, I realise two things:

1)

Allowing for picture quality - Ansel Adams, I ain't - does the second line seem a little faint? Does it count, do you think? This was taken at four minutes but I guarantee it's no different to when the timer went off - which is salient to the next point.

and 2) There are no words to describe how we're feeling right now.  We tested yesterday and there was no line - not a speck. And then I don't know why, maybe because my bust was just so damn sore at this point, but we ended up testing again this morning. Thank Goddess I didn't join A in having a glass of wine with dinner last night! It's so exciting to see the result box filled with something and yet, we're not sure if we can trust it. What if it's a dud? How can it go from nothing to this? There is one thing that gives us hope that this is the real deal though - yesterday, I was half asleep but A assures me I got up to pee at 3.  What we tested with two hours later wasn't the first of the day, so maybe it's just really early. We'll be retesting tomorrow with a branded test stick. Until then, we were just too excited not to post this.

Everything crossed! And if we were lucky this month, hoping that our luck makes it to everyone else on this babymaking rollercoaster - you guys are awesome!

Here's hoping...

Eeurgh! Bad taste, bad taste. I don't know if it was the smell of scrambled eggs/ greasy chicken/ fish oil interacting with a tummy bug (not all at once, obv.) or if this is a serious contender for the tell-tale symptom, but something sent me racing for the bathroom last night and again this morning. It started with a bad taste in my mouth - somewhere between pennies and dentist's glove - and I tried to neutralise it by snacking on bread w. balsamic vinegar (can't get enough of the stuff at the moment, so it's always in the house) and that seemed to help.

By bedtime, my tummy was roiling and I'd reached that point where I was wishing I could just throw up so that I would have the chance to settle for the night.  It was the smell in the kitchen that finally got to me and I felt at least some relief as I hurled myself into the bathroom.  The same kind of thing happened this morning.

I've found it's easier to deal with if I sit with a cup of tea for a few minutes to let my stomach settle before I put anything in it. I know it's not helping my caffeine intake but if it's enough to keep me functional then we'll go with it.

Symptom Chasing

Well, we're well into the second week now; and so far, there have been no symptoms that can't be attributed to any of several external factors such as the flu-like bug that's currently rampaging through our full-time staff, hefting unwieldy 20k sacks of potatoes and moving delivery cages (the weight of which I will never admit to, anywhere A can find it) but who am I kidding? Anyone in the process of TTC can attest to how difficult it is not to attribute every twinge, craving and fluttering to the start of that miracle we've been hoping for - especially those of us who have time to kill and ready access to the internet. So here's another round of:

Google-that-symptom!


Kicking off with lower backache around day 22 (6 days post insem) This has been off and on since last week and is usually relived with a rolled up towel (in lieu of the support cushion that I keep meaning to order) or A's support wrap if I'm having an active day. It's possible that I've tugged on a cage/lifted something heavy with improper technique and pulled something; not sure if this ties in with how the ache comes and goes but I'm including it anyway.  According to the all-knowing internetz, it could be very early pms or implantation (and since I knew the possibility of these symptoms, I'm including psychosomatic reaction as well) 


Around this time also, I've noticed my stomach's a little more sensitive to bad odours.  If somebody forgets to open the plastic wrapping on the bananas for example, resulting in the unmistakeable smell of over-ripe, sweaty banana or if a hole has opened in the packaging of a particularly bloody chicken; smells that, whilst unpleasant, have never phased me before, are suddenly leaving me dry retching and moving away from the source as fast as my little legs will carry me.  Remembering that this could easily be  pms symptoms, the result of wishful thinking or my body's way of reacting to whatever bug is plaguing staff (also explaining the 24 hours of runny nose for no other apparent reason and rapid temperature changes.)  A quick Google search also turned up discussions about mild nausea resulting from hormone changes as early as conception.

And finally, in the last few days, I've been experiencing some breast tenderness (which is to say they feel like I've been hit with a football) which is yet another classic pms/early pregnancy symptom.

What's the story (morning glory)

Here we are again.  Another try on day 16 of my current cycle. The last one broke the day before mothers day and I'll admit there were some sensitive moments over that weekend.  The last couple weeks have been pretty tense on account of one of my rare anxiety attacks - triggered by work stuff I wont go into here.  The long and the short of it is that I'll be staying where I am for the foreseeable future.  This is why I haven't posted for a while.  That and that we've obviously had a lot of talking to do.

After long discussion (and much ice-cream) we've decided that we're ready for a change of scenery; and with that in mind, we've expanded on our plans for 'the Grand Venture.' The land in Peru is well and truly ours now and features a smart new security fence thanks to A's father and her younger brother.  We're currently putting together plans for the first floor and getting estimates for building work which hopefully should begin towards the end of the year (late spring in Peru) but it will be a while before we have finished all we need to do in Europe and are ready to move on.

In the interim period, we have decided that we would like to get onto the property market in Spain - most likely the southern coast - whilst there are still bargain prices to be found.  We want to do this for a number of reasons, the main ones being for the change in lifestyle and as an investment opportunity (maybe for funding or as a source of income) when we do eventually move to Peru.  We estimate it will take us a year to build up the cash for our deposit and the various necessities of purchasing (taking into account the other ventures money is being set aside for) and in the mean time we are researching locations, with Almeria being our current favourite.

We haven't come up with an appropriate project name for this try yet (just something we've taken to entertaining ourselves with) but the summary so far is that we discovered it was time last night, when we were out celebrating my birthday. I turned 29 on Friday but between shift changes and wanting to spend more time with A, Saturday night was the only time this week we could do it.  We went to a local restaurant with a couple of close friends and then on to a local gay bar that A and I favour (although that might change now that it no longer serves cocktails) During a stop to freshen up, I spotted ewcm and as soon as I got back to the table, signalled in code to R that he would be needed ASAP.  It was a little amusing trying to get the message across without alerting anyone else at the table (Though one significant glance at A and she figured out what I was trying to say. Eventually she pulled R away on a pretence to fill him in)  Thankfully, R and I are both working this evening and had time to do what we needed to this morning.

Here Comes the Sun

It's getting late and I'm sitting relaxed in the 'study' with a cup of tea, having put aside the sheet of irregular verbs I've been working on.  The flat is quiet - presumably the lodgers have gone out to eat - and I'm enjoying the moment of calm before A comes home from class, when bags will need unpacking, a fresh pot will need putting on and something will have to be done about dinner.

I've lost count of what cycle day I'm on, I believe it's thirty-five or somesuch, and since we started actively trying, this is the closest to relaxed and contented I have been.  I know that may change if this journey continues for a more prolonged period but right now, this home is balanced and happy.  This is the happy thought (rainbow) I'd like to give thanks for tonight and I'd like to send some positivity from this to everyone who needs it.

We've decided to put off testing until the weekend, when A doesn't have to get up at silly-o'clock and I can wait until a reasonable 6/7am to test with her there.  It makes sense to wait the extra couple days, since I tend to start bleeding two or three days after a negative result anyway; and in the last couple of days, I've been experiencing the dairy cravings and bloat that usually presages my period.  Whether the extent of my cravings - driving me out of the house right before dinner because the world will end if I don't have cheesecake - is reasonably explained by my being pre-menstrual, we shall have to wait and see.

Spring has sprung

Moving into Spring this week and life has taken on a strangely comfortable flow.  I'm susceptible to weather-triggered mood swings and with the mad-March weather, we were prepared for the usual irritability.  These last couple weeks however, I don't know if it's to do with the changing work situation or just the change in season but we've started feeling more like we've been coasting along, calm and contented.

During the last week, the wheel of the year has turned to spring and Oestara, the spring equinox, marked the change in season.  Among many other things, Oestara is a celebration of fertility, and I especially felt the need to connect with Goddess at this time.

A and I don't practice the same faith, though we take an interest in each other's beliefs, so I celebrated Oestara alone.  I walked the longer route into town, following the quiet cycle path that is bordered by trees and other plant life and just generally enjoying the evidence of Spring.  Eventually, the path lead into a wide grassy park where children like to play.  Oestara is a celebration of new life and childhood and those who celebrate the Goddess may choose to focus on her maiden aspect at this time. There was a time when I would celebrate this season in unabashed childishness - skipping, running, singing childhood songs - but instead, I chose to just sit and listen to the young children in the park and reflect on happy childhood memories and the memories A and I hope to create with our child/ren.

As I often do, I integrated my Oestara meditation and personal celebration ritual with baking cupcakes this year.  Baking always puts me in mind of happy times in my childhood and I love how well it expresses the creative energies of the new season.  I made some of them into butterfly cakes (just a couple though, diet and all...) and outlined little ducks and bunnies in green and yellow icing on a few others.  It made such a happy sight and our home smelled wonderful by the time A came home from work.

In other news, this try has been relatively symptom free; and with a testing date of Tuesday and no sign of the monthlies, this could really be the magic cycle.

A Single Step

As expected, the cramps I was experiencing before my interviews did presage the end of that attempt; but we picked ourselves up and kept running because we had a number of projects in progress that have been doing an excellent job of keeping us distracted.

The interviews went well and we both secured offers conditional on background checks, references, etc. It would mean stepping down from a position of responsibility for me and a cut in my hourly rate (although since I am only contracted for the weekend, with the applicable increases I will have a satisfactory wage even before overtime.) A has accepted an offer to stay working in her ward after she negotiated hours better suited to her study (and more conductive to a social life.)  This puts us in a very strong position from this summer, when I will have completed my period of training.  In the mean time, between visits from the new op's manager and promotion changes, there is enough going on at work to keep me busy.

And as to this months attempt: we started a little later than expected.  My cm and basal temperature were not showing the slightest indication of anything resembling interesting and we were beginning to think this month wasn't going to happen. On day 19 (Monday), I noticed some wet cm whilst I was at work and figured we should at least get in a try this month - if we want to fit in as many tries as mother nature will give us a shot at before our step-up deadline of August (the anniversary of our first attempt.) After a quick call to A, we arranged an insem for the next day, which R and I conveniently both had off.

Day 20; and low and behold, fertile cm, agreeable temps and R at our door - the planets must have aligned yesterday, because everything went according to plan.  I'm inclined to believe Goddess arranged the situation for us after we were starting to get frustrated with the delay between ewcm and insem, and how often we were having to do these things on days when either R or I (or both of us) had to work.  As it is, we're looking at another magic cycle and we're channeling every available resource into directing positive energy in the right direction. I'm using a rose quartz bracelet as a fertility totem for this cycle and We've asked a friend whose circle specialises in fertility spells to help.  There are baby pictures and magazines dotted all around the flat to emphasize our objective (including one in the snack draw as a deterrent for me, lolz) and we're trying to keep to fresh, in season foods to draw health and vitality into ourselves.

Try number 6 - the second magic cycle - is here.

The end of this run

The interview went well. There were the scenario questions they usually ask for team leader positions, some elaboration on my relevant experience and a little more about the position. I think I did well.  We'll just have to see how things go.

This evening, A and I are settling down to fajitas and a movie as our reward for getting through this week.   Spotting sighted. Looks like this isn't our month. Counting our rainbows though, I can drink at our anniversary dinner next weekend and no early pregnancy symptoms to deal with during next weeks interview.

Over that hill is a brighter tomorrow - you just have to get there!

We had planned to begin testing on Thursday but with cramps setting in on Wednesday that felt like I'd been kicked in the kidneys and several interviews looming, we pushed it to the weekend (if my cycle lasts that long)

I've been a little up and down the last couple of days.  The good stuff is because my request for a four day weekend has been approved, so A and I can celebrate her birthday and our anniversary in style.
The not so great is that at random moments, I've been feeling the build up of my old friend anxiety.  I'm assuming that moments of distraction are allowing me to subconsciously dwell on the interviews because none of my other triggers have been hit.  I'll be counting stock in the warehouse when all of a sudden I'll find myself short of breath and tight chested.  I feel much weaker than I used to be; just a week ago, hefting sacks of potatoes onto a trolley, getting a milk cage up the ramp or moving a cage of delivery was no trouble now I have to call for one of the boys to help me.  And I'm suddenly more sensitive to the cold.  I've found myself putting on a sweater, curled under a fleecy blanket and still needing the heating turned on.  This despite the fact that A, who finds it hard to adapt to the cold, is still comfortable in casual clothes.  Hopefully it passes soon; I've even had moments where I've felt sick with it.

Tuesday's lit & numeracy testing went well; it was a very basic test designed to ascertain that all prospective employees met the minimum requirements.  A had her test early in the day and then returned later for her interview but because my test was later in the day, I was asked to return for my interview next week.

Today we have literacy and numeracy testing for the other position we have applied for, which requires higher standards.  A's just left me a message to say hers went well and I'll be leaving for mine shortly.  I think I'm ready.  Wish me luck.

Begining the home stretch

A belated happy valentines to those who celebrate ♥

A and I kept it low key this year in the interests of saving money for our various projects.  We still made it a pleasant day, proving that it really doesn't matter how much you spend as long as there's love at the heart of it.  On the day, I cooked us one of her favourite meals for lunch, made some cupcakes and cleaned the flat.  I had just enough time to call R for a quick chat (because Valentines is about love of all kinds - even friendship) before A came home from work.  Turns out, she'd saved some coupons and put aside a few pennies to take me out to dinner at a nice little restaurant down our street.  So we had a great time of it.

Yesterday, one of my cousins announced the birth of their new baby son.  It was a bit of a surprise, as we hadn't known she was pregnant but the pictures they posted on FB are gorgeous and we're looking forward to meeting the little lad.

In other news, both A and I have appointments for the next stage of our job applications, having received e-mails notifying us that we have been short-listed.  A already works in the NHS, which is how we heard of the vacancies, and she already performs many similar duties, so we feel confident about her chances.  One of A's supervisors heard of her application and seemed pretty supportive - if a little disappointed that A would no longer be working on her ward.  I'm glad that A has one less thing to worry about, should she get the position she has applied for.  I still haven't a clue how I would tell my line manager.  Have to cross that bridge when I get to it, I suppose.

This far into our tww and we're amazed at how long we've gone without obsessively plugging every twinge/craving/emotional moment into Google.  I've had some aches and tenderness but we're choosing not to ascribe it to anything at the moment.  We'll be testing on Thursday, which is coincidentally also interview day.

Quick update

So it's been relatively calm this go-round. We insem'd on Thursday and again on Friday, no schedule clashes but we did cut it pretty fine on Thursday, when we both had the evening shift.  I had spotting and cramps on Friday, which felt an awful lot like an early period (two week cycles are not unheard-of for me) and R started getting a little overprotective at work. He basically told the guys I was working with that I was still weak from a bad cold (only half an untruth, as I had had a cold and was feeling pretty crappy) and he indicated that I should spend the evening with my feet up whilst they took care of the physical stuff like bringing in the delivery.  Being good lads, they all put their shoulders to the grindstone and kept me away from the heavy lifting, watching me like hawks for anything that needed doing and even topping up the tea on my desk each time one of them passed by.  Whilst I guiltily stayed away from the heavy lifting, I was touched by how dedicated my boys were and I'm proud of all of them.  I left a box of choccy on the desk for them all and made sure everyone had some.  Thankfully, there's been no further bleeding and I suspect it may have been caused by the mechanics of the insem - something we'll have to look into should there be need for further tries.

In other news, we're still waiting to hear back from the jobs we've applied for.  The closing date for applications was Thursday just gone, with prospective employees being contacted this week for basic numeracy and literacy tests.  After that, should we be successful we will need to apply for up-to-date CRB checks and then paid training, hopefully starting work in June.  The fixed schedules would be very good for A especially, now that she has classes four days a week and it would allow me time to pursue my Spanish academically.  I think just applying for these jobs is doing wonders for reducing my stress levels at work - like I can relax a little now that I'm taking steps to get out of there.

And on the land front, we're still waiting to hear confirmation from A's father that new ownership has been registered with the municipality.  Apparently, this can take up to several weeks.  In the mean-time, a security fence has been constructed around the perimeter of our new property.  Things are beginning to happen and it's providing us with plenty to keep ourselves occupied during this cycle's long wait.

And We're off!

Ewcm sighted last night and again this morning. R is on his way after breakfast and we should have insem by lunch. Then R and I are working tonight :-\

(Part Two) The Holiday

Our much anticipated holiday went surprisingly well, considering how much pressure was riding on the first few hours after introductions were made.

Travelling was the first hurdle.  Though A and I have always been close and communicate easily, traveling together seems to bring out the worst in us for some reason and long-haul flights with transfers wasn't something we were looking forward to.  We managed to get a day to ourselves before traveling which gave us plenty of time to reconnect after a week of clashing schedules and to put into place our contingency plans for dealing with the inevitable tensions that would come up during the long journey ahead.  Thankfully, we made it to Peru without incident: our flights were on time, our baggage was easy to re-check and we were able to locate our way around the large international airports with little difficulty.

As we entered arrivals, A's father came up to meet us and, I admit, I actually felt pretty nervous at that moment.  Based on what I had been told about A's father, a conservative, traditional man, I had pictured...well, I'm not sure what I had pictured but it came as a pleasant surprise when he came right up to me and embraced me with a hearty sincerity. And so I came to know Peru. A slightly conservative country still, with a big heart. Everybody I was introduced to that day had a warm hug and kiss for me.
After breakfast, we started in on unpacking the suitcases in the room that was to be ours for the month.  A explained that she used to share it with her younger sister and regaled me with stories from their mischievous teen years as we worked.  It was a pleasant morning and after a while, some of the family came to keep us company.  Her younger brother, who I had already met back when he was living in Spain, came in to tell us that he was getting married the following Saturday afternoon.

So the first week we were there was a flurry of organising for the wedding and A and I did very little exploring.  There wasn't much need to stray far in the first few days anyway, with the market just around the corner and fresh cooked food available on almost every street corner.  The food in Peru is a rich and satisfying cuisine with native dishes originating from the Incas as well as others influenced by Spain, Italy, China and Africa. A's mother is a great cook and continued to amaze us with traditional Peruvian dishes.  She made papa a la huancaina several times during our visit, once she knew it was a particular favourite of mine.  The day after we arrived, A's father went to visit his mother in the sierra for a week and on his return, proudly presented us with two fresh cuy (guinea pigs) which A's mother cooked and served to much fanfare (suffice it to say, it does not taste like chicken)  There were some short excursions that week.  We took in a couple of harbour boat tours and saw lima by night with a local tour bus company.

The wedding ceremony and reception were held in the restaurant next door to A's parents' house (which is space A's parents are renting out to the business) and lasted till after sunrise.  A few days after the wedding, the new couple announced they were expecting. I got my period that evening, We had a low period at this point and this was probably a large influence on what happened next.

Whilst we were there, we had been looking at different areas of Lima with regards to moving to Peru in the future.  Its a vibrant city and we found lots of positive points for each of the areas we considered; Miraflores, for example, has a large ex-pat population and would be a great place to set up a little English style cafe (quite easy to do with how informal things are there) although it´s also the ´tourist´ area of the city and so the most expensive. Barranco is probably our favourite area; the architecture and parks are beautiful. Not to mention that it´s a stone´s throw from the beach.  A few days after the wedding, just before Christmas, A's father took us to view the land he's building a house on.  It's right by the sea with beautiful views of the surrounding hills and an expressway just a few streets away. A and I enquired how much it was for a plot on the other side of the industrial park and well...we bought a plot.

Because everything is so informal there, we had to pay cash for the land, notary, etc and A's parents helped us with a cash loan.  The plot we chose is in the middle of a street and almost the highest row on the side of a tall hill.  We are in love with the location.  Behind us, there's a road, a row more of houses and then it gives way to trees and the higher slopes. We can't wait to start building. The area is more advanced than where her father's plot is located - water is already available and we hope to have access to electricity within the first year - and the best part is we are also lucky enough to have A's father around to help, both with labour and contacts, as he is a builder by trade.

So this year, we'll be saving hard to pay A's parents back and to start building work when we move.  To this end, A and I have been taking a serious look at our finances.  We've both applied for jobs where we stand to increase our income and I'm investigating piece work in the area.  It's all go this year and the effort will be worth it; not only does it give us something else to focus on but it also gives me a way out from the job that seems to generate it's own stress and back luck on a daily basis, which can't be good for TTC.  This is part one of our Resolutions for 2014.  

Part two is diet.  Whilst ours aren't especially bad, there is still room for improvement.  A and I have made separate specific resolutions in this area.  Mine are to give up chocolate and reduce the number of times a week I skip meals.  Both are fertility necessities that I've struggled to keep to before.  I brushed up on Low Gi foods after the PCO diagnosis and stopped keeping guilty treats in my locker at work but due to the demands of shift work, I have found it difficult to stop and eat a regular meal whilst I am at work.  The treats have started sneaking back into my diet.  A normal evening shift for me usually involves biscuits snatched from a pack I keep on the desk as I fly past, in lieu of breaks. The salt intake alone is wreaking havoc on my attempts to maintain a decent weight.  In the last couple of weeks though, I've implemented a do-not-disturb policy on my break times, managing to get in a good twenty minutes to eat before something pressing comes up. And whilst I haven't had a chocolate free week yet, due to the products already in our cupboards when we got home, the intake has been reduced to bare minimum and once it's finished (which will be soon) I will be going without *sigh*

And there it is. The Grand Venture 2014

(Part 1) Pre Holiday

And after the short intermission, we're back! These last couple of months have been pretty eventful so I'm going to have to do this in a two part post, with the second half posted tomorrow. This first half is basically just a long tale of me getting injured and finally slaying a dragon.

So what's new with us? As you've likely guessed, the pre-Christmas cycle didn't take. Counting our rainbows: we flew to Peru without having to deal with anything beyond meeting-the-parents nerves and I got to let my hair down for the duration of the holiday and try anything I wanted without questioning how it was cooked or if it contained any ingredients I should be avoiding.

Pre-holiday, I finally dealt with an issue that's been causing a lot of stress at work; namely the team manager. Don't get me wrong, when he wants to work, he can - on his terms. Most of the time, Dh (the name I'm using for him here) spends sitting in the office, reading, eating...you know the type.  Two weeks before we were due to leave for Peru, Dh was working night shifts to cover for a staff shortage. One evening, I ended up leaving the store in a very dark mood because of some things he had said, questioning my leadership role and how I motivated my team. He, the man who is well known for spending his shifts in the office, said this to me in front of members of my team and I was furious with him, not just for what he was saying about me in front of other staff but for how he was daring to imply my team was lazy, when three of those with me that night were indisputably the hardest workers in the store.

At that time of night, it gets very calm on the roads, easy for someone holding on to a lot of tension to turn their minds to other things and give them time to vent.  As I cycled home that night, I imagined various scenarios of how that conversation should have gone; what I should have said to him, what I so wanted to say to him. So intent was I on saying my piece that I forgot to pay attention to the road.  I felt the bike start to give under me as I moved over the curved surface at the edge of the road designed to control runoff.  I put out my foot, trying to catch the curb before I fell and missed it.  The road I was on was a large one, the outside lane I was using leading towards the nearby motorway.  As I fell, I felt a blind panic, my mind registering only two things: a white hot pain in my ankle and images of the usual traffic on that road: car, van, doubledecker megabus...Needless to say, I was very lucky things didn't end a lot worse that night - take this as a lesson, kiddies: Always give the road your full attention!

Despite my protesting ankle, I picked myself up and, after a few minutes of limping, cycled back home to where a warm bed eased most of my pains and stresses.  The next morning, I woke to an ballooning ankle and a relentless ache setting in to the wrist I had landed on.  Getting out of the bunk bed was especially difficult that morning and I cursed Dh with every step (even though I know it was my own fault for not paying attention to the road. I think I was still more shaken by what had happened than I cared to admit)
The doctor confirmed that neither were serious injuries. I'd aggravated an old injury - a jarred wrist that had not been given a chance to heal properly - and caused a slight sprain on my ankle (She assures me it would have been much worse had I been cycling the heavier electric bike that night.)  Being me, I was back at work before a week had passed and nothing more was said - I bit my tongue around Dh when I couldn't avoid him but inwardly, I was still seething. Red is not a pretty colour on me.

It came to a head on the first Tuesday morning back at work. I had locked up the store the previous night, as  there had been no delivery and I had sent the night crew home to be utilised when it came in in the morning.  There's a fair amount of work goes into a lock down so we try our best to avoid last minute ones - especially when you're starting the procedure an hour late and short staffed - but we managed it; and whilst I knew it wasn't perfect, I left knowing that it was in a reasonable condition.  I signed on and started a store walk with Dh to assess where we stood.  Once we were away from the general manager in the office, Dh turned to me on the stairs and said "First of all, I don't know what you were doing last night but when I walked in this morning, the store was a state.  Delivery didn't come in so you didn't have much to do and you had plenty of staff so there was no reason for me to find the store looking like this."  His first clue should have been the crack of my jaw as I clenched it.  As we started along the first aisle, he started in with picking fault "Right, this aisle was only given a cursory face-up, which is not good for a lockdown night. I know you're not as fast on your feet at the moment but there was plenty of staff here to help you.  And there's a lot of gaps here that you could have picked from the warehouse and had someone fill [...]"  As he carried on, I kept myself to single syllable answers in the same flat tone - he failed to notice the warning signs until half-way down the aisle, I finally had had enough.

"May I say something to defend myself now?" My tone brought his head up sharply and he nodded, folding his arms and drawing himself up to his full 6 feet.  Refusing to be intimidated, I let him have it.
"The team worked damn hard last night to get the store to this state.  Two of us working eight hour shifts without so much as a tea break.  And you know that despite this, had I had someone else to stay with me, I would have stayed till midnight facing up the store after hours in my own time.  If you care to look at my task list on the desk, you know that despite my sore ankle, I was running around this store last night catching up on not only my shift work but half of the previous shifts' tasks - yours!  Take a look at how much we made last night and look again at how many staff I had and then tell me we aren't pulling our weight. And while I've got you here, let's talk about where my motivation's supposed to come from.  How often do I start a shift in the middle of a busy lunch hour with no staff and the whole store needs facing up? How often do I start a shift and the waste needs scanning out? How often do I start a shift and the reductions haven't been touched and all chilled back ups need working before delivery arrives? How often do I start a shift and, despite all of this, you're sitting in the office playing a one-man game of thumb-wars?"
The answer to all of this is - three times a week!
All of this I said to him, right there on the shop floor, and more.  I let him know how I had injured myself because I had been so mad at him for what he had said the other night - and let him have it for that too.  After I'd run out of steam, he couldn't look at me. He shuffled his feet and said maybe we should cut the store walk there and he'd carry on with working the delivery.

I gained two extra staff at my next shift.

- Coming up : The Holiday!