Time I came out

Okay, so here it is: my big confession.
I'm a power rangers fan!

It may seem trivial to some but this show has had a huge impact on my life.

Pre-teen, I didn't exactly have a wide social circle. My class seemed full of loud, boisterous boys and the stereotypical 'popular girls' that I just couldn't understand. I took to reading to keep myself occupied during break times - yes, it didn't help my social standing but as I may have said before, I struggled with anxiety when I was younger and being invisible was far more preferable.

Then Power Rangers started airing. Far from being about heroes in brightly coloured costumes and cool battle robots (don't get me wrong - these were a serious draw too!) it was also about 'teenagers' growing up. The episodes covered issues like learning styles and economic barriers as well as relationships, work, friendship and dedication.

As I moved into primary school (Not familiar with U.S systems but I think it's elementary at age 7/8) I spent a lot of time in the group of boys my student mentor hung out with - and I quickly became popular for my memory recall of power rangers battles and would often be consulted in the middle of games. Hey, I may not have been an 'it' girl but I had found my way in.

As later seasons aired, I was even able to see myself in certain characters, taking their successes as inspiration (not to mention that I developed my first crush on an actress who played a recurring role in a couple of series)

I even sharpened my writing skills over the years by expanding on episodes that left more to the imagination. (Yes, fan-fiction. Everyone has to start somewhere) Through the social networks on which I have published these works, I have met many wonderful, funny, talented people (a number of which I have since come to call close friends) who have taught me to raise my game and look at things in an entirely new way.  I was amazed at the number of LGBT identifying people who use fan-fiction to express themselves (and by how much more sense some of the story lines would have made if certain characters had been gay, for example)

What has prompted this today, you ask?

Today is the twentieth anniversary of the show's first broadcast and I found this:

David Yost poses for NOH8 with a prop version of himself

This is even more cool when you know that David Yost, who played shy, socially awkward genius Billy on the show, was forced to leave the cast due to continued harassment by the production crew that targeted his sexual orientation. Whilst one of the producers later responded that his departure was due to a pay dispute, his outside reasons for leaving the show were never denied. Saban Entertainment never issued an official statement on this issue.

/fansqueal

CD 3

We had to let go of that last thread of hope on Wednesday morning.

I've been sleeping a lot the last few days: getting up at 8, taking three hour naps at least twice a day and so glad to get to bed by ten that it's starting to alarm poor A. Thing is, I've felt my energy falling since Saturday and now I just don't have the energy for anything more than light to moderate housework (and only out of necessity) A insisted we get an appointment at the health centre on Wednesday just to make sure it's not a sign of anything physically wrong with me before we try again.

It doesn't help that ever since a work mate was diagnosed with type two diabetes in the spring, she's started getting concerned over any diabetes-like symptom she observes in me. Part of me feels special at how much attention she's showing and in the interests of household peace, I went to the appointment.

As you can guess, once I mentioned that we had been TTC (because it's always relevant) I got the stress talk.  I'm booked in for bloodwork at the start of September but until then I just have to find the energy to keep going with daily life.

On Thursday, I got sent home from work after almost passing out.  I'd forgotten my uniform (something that never happens to me) and whilst waiting for a spare shirt to be dug out, I started getting dizzy and had to sit down.  Having a long history of passing out in public, I've learned to hate those moments of loosing control.  As it was, I must've looked pretty rough because the manager offered to pay from petty cash for a taxi (and it had to be one of the bigger ones to accommodate my bike) It was bad enough that I did this in the office with every Tom, Dick and Harry looking in to see what was going on. The crowning glory came when the manager escorted me himself through the store and to the taxi rank - ten feet from the entrance!

It may not seem so but I used to really struggle with anxiety.  The worst thing anyone can do when I'm not feeling my best is draw attention to me. I felt so weak and shaky, just from having everyone witness this that It only seemed to confirm to C that I needed fussing over.

And we confirmed yesterday that R is abroad for the first two weeks of September.  Unless we stalk him to Spain, it looks like we'll have to sit this one out.

I've taken today off as well, since I failed to keep my dinner down last night.  To be honest, I'm hoping it's just stress. Stress and I are old friends and I know his habits.

So the plan for this month is exercise, eat well, hopefully drop the three or four pounds I've put back on and relax with friends.  Here goes ...(?)

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I know the title's a little cliché and perhaps sounding a tad dramatic for a first attempt but I swear it was the first song played when I booted up this morning and it felt appropriate.

We were both awake when A's alarm went off at 5:30 this morning. It took a while for the warning chime to break through my mind's comfortable sleepy haze and for a minute I forgot what day it was. Then I remembered the test stick laid out in the bathroom ready and I snuggled further under the covers, trying to hold on to 'maybe' a little longer. To give her credit, A didn't say a word about it. She just gave me a morning hug and then got up to get ready for work. No pressure then.

After a while, I dragged myself out of bed and padded out to the bathroom.

Negative. That word sounds so cold; detached.  And even as we looked at it, there was a part of my mind that was insisting that this wasn't right, that this wasn't the result we were supposed to get.  I've had almost three hours to process it and it still hasn't sunk in. I don't think I'm going to be able to let go of this cycle until I see that final damning evidence.

My morning Facebook skim resulted in a cousins pregnancy announcement, a Disney pick that a friend has posted of Dumbo's mother and bundle with the caption 'happiness can arrive at any moment,' and a pick of pregnant sea-horses posted by non-profit org 'Have a gay day.'

Day 29 and counting.

(insert witty one-liner here)

9 days down.

And I'm finding it difficult not to reach for a test stick.

I know that there is absolutely no point in testing at this stage in my cycle. That even if I am pregnant, there wouldn't be enough hormone in my system for the test to read.  I find myself calculating over and over when the earliest day I can test is (pretty difficult with unreliable cycles) and then looking at the result accuracy on the back of the box and trying to convince myself that, even if I could reliably predict CD 1, it makes more sense to wait.

The nausea I mentioned in my last post has eased off a little and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I now find it only surfaces as a feeling of digestive unease if I contemplate eating something. We're not sure yet if it's the time of day (re: running on empty) or the food type that's causing this, though it doesn't affect me so much in the evenings (when I start feeling like I want inadvisable heavier meals of meat, particularly duck, and giant bowls of chorizo lentils)

And the backache is also still around, albeit at more manageable levels.

New 'symptoms' this week are a slight tenderness in my breasts, occasional light-headedness and some fatigue.  All could be signs of pmt, which it's not unknown for me to experience up to a week before CD 1. The fact that I haven't had a run of pmt symptoms this early since my teens and that I rarely get breast tenderness is what's making us suspect maybe-baby.

or it could just as easily be my body's reaction to the stress of TTC.

Chasing Rainbows

We didn't do the third insem as we'd planned this cycle, due to a number of logistical problems cropping up. R did make it for the Monday morning insem.

And no ttc blog would be complete without at least one symptom chasing post, so here's the highlights from this weeks game of:

Google-that-symptom!

• Nausea (three days post insem 1, most of the day) This could have been environmental stress at work. It could be my mind playing tricks on me, knowing how much we want this. It could - according to the all-knowing internetz - be the result of hormone changes when conception occurs. Unless Felix implants however we have no way of knowing if this was it.
• Back pain/cramping (three days post insem 1, most of the afternoon and evening) Typical PMS symptoms for me but I very rarely get them mid-cycle. Sounds like the least likely of my maybe-baby symptoms, but this is the one I'm choosing to hold onto (it's a rookie mistake btw, picking out symptoms this early. But it's our first time, so I'm going with it!)
• Spotting (three days post insem 1, late evening) I only spotted this because I'm still checking my cm. There was very little of it (a small streak through the cm) but it was definitely there. I haven't had a cycle less than 20 days since I was a teenager.

We're wondering at this point if I'm experiencing ovulation symptoms that I've never had before. In this case, would that mean we insem'd to early? #2 would have only been two days early and fresh sperm can live that long...

*Fingers still crossed*

All Systems are Go!

Well, here we are. Attempt one, insem one down. Go team!

Yesterday, was a bit of an adventure, I'll tell you that.
I took the test just after lunch - remind me to never again try that at work. I had to dodge a team manager with the ovulation stick in hand. I then left the stick behind the toilets cistern whilst I waited it out, figuring I was the only woman on premises. I hadn't counted on someone forgetting to write on the handover note that we had an extra member of staff. My heart almost stopped when I saw her heading into the toilets (only two toilet stalls and I stupidly left it in the one everyone uses) Nothing was said though. I think we got away with it. cm was wet and slippery - just right for what we had in mind (Needless to say, we were very happy with the timing of this when I found evidence this morning of spinnbarkeit, highly fertile cm)

As I headed home, I expected to feel some last minute jitters but as I thought about it, I realised that I had no doubts. I felt so sure that this was right. A was waiting for me in high spirits when I got home with a big smile and a dish of arroz con pollo, in honour of the occasion. We always celebrate with food from my partner's native Peru.
R came over after dinner and we hung out for a while before getting down to business.  We had decided beforehand that he would leave his deposit with us just before he started home so that A and I could have some privacy.  It matters a great deal to us that this process of creating our child be as intimate as it can be - regardless of the tools and trappings required.

It went quite well.  We took it in turns to hold the container and keep it at a decent temperature whilst we waited for it to liquefy.  Then, after insemination, I lay with my butt propped up on a pillow for twenty minutes whilst A tidied up the dinner plates and kept an eye on the time.

R has plans for tomorrow so we decided not to go down the three day insem route we had planned. Instead, we are going to do an insem today, after breakfast and one after dinner tonight.

keep your fingers crossed for us.

Ain't no stopping us....

Is it considered obsessive if I make it through three ovulation tests in one day?

Most days of my cycle (anywhere from 21 to 36 days) I get a big blank in the test window of my stick.
cycle day (CD)10, I get suspicious symptoms and test on a whim - faintly positive. CD 11, three slightly stronger positives. I'm torn.  It looks like we're building up to a surge: today is day thirteen and the line is almost there. Cm still says no-go.

Last night, we sat and talked it through.  Today, I'm going to sneakily test at work (yes, I'm a pee-on-a-stick addict at this time of the month) and if cm is more receptive, we're putting in a call and going for it.

See you on the other side :D