Peanut

*This post contains warnings for material some readers may find distressing*

I started this blog as a record of our journey to becoming a family.  I've always presented my thoughts and feelings as openly as I could and yet, it is a struggle to write this.  There's a part of me that wants to keep Peanut only for ourselves but I know that if I do that, it will be like she never existed and that I cannot do to her.

The negative test was apparently false. As before, I had not followed the test instructions correctly. On a chance, I took another test on the 11th.  Over this time, I had experienced some nausea and heartburn, mild cramping and an ache in my lower back. I felt a little guilty taking the test, like I was being silly for not letting go of a chemical pregnancy but the second line came up strong and true. After this up and down, we chose to arrange blood work to confirm our pregnancy and were relieved when it came back positive.

We celebrated by ordering a peanut shaped charm for my charm bracelet and setting money aside to buy Peanut her first charm bracelet once her sex was confirmed.  I even joined the pregnancy check-in on the message board I frequent.

Then on the 18th, I started feeling more nauseous than I had before and I was cramping and spotting.  The blood was light pink and only noticeable when I wiped but I felt in my heart that something was wrong. A reminded me that her sister had bled a little during her pregnancy and my research told me that some 20% of pregnancies have at least a little bleeding.  A reassured me that it might still be ok.

Friday began with a light flow which then petered out around lunchtime for several hours but by Saturday, I was bleeding heavily and passing clots, some containing matter.  One large clot that I passed was attached to a small cord and I felt completely empty inside as I held it in some tissue paper.  I swear I felt her little spirit near me then and I knew that we had lost something truly precious.  We buried her in a large container with a hardy plant and we're looking for a small garden statue to go with it, so that we might always have this to remember her by.

I have to stop now but I will post again soon.

Take 2

There's so much I need to say to bring this blog up to date but to move this along, I shall summarise now and fill in necessary information as we go. OK?

Well, where to start?
Baby S is thriving and at almost 15 months old, is now a confidant, verbal toddler.  She is so funny and sweet by nature, will hand out unsolicited hugs at random but can turn on a dime.  When things don't go her way and communication has failed, she goes into full meltdown - sinking to the floor, hollering, kicking her feet and when that doesn't get the desired result - rolling.  That doesn't happen very often though, as her communication skills are pretty good.  She has an extensive vocabulary which covers most areas of daily life.  She has reached that stage where she uses words we had no idea she knew - and uses them perfectly in context - but will never repeat them again until she has actual need of them.  She now runs with confidence and can steer around objects on the floor whilst running at full pelt (pretty much how she lives life) She loves exploring - especially climbing stairs.  Unfortunately, despite being able to climb down from sofas and beds, she has not got the hang of climbing downstairs and so the babygate has had to remain in place for now. As to feeding, she has a strong appetite.  She eats three meals a day, morning and afternoon snacks, she breastfeeds about three times a day (subject to teething comfort-feeding) and still eyes up food anyone she knows has infront of her.
Currently, her activities include stay-and-play and swimming - both once a week.  She will be starting a weekly dance class from September but we figure this is enough to keep her engaged without over schedualing her.

I started back at work after 14 months of maternity leave.  The original plan had been to take an extended two year maternity leave, which was then reduced to 18 months.  Due to circumstances beyond our controle, I returned earlier than planned but part time, having stepped down from the position of team leader.  I have mixed feelings about this.  I miss being in a position to make real impact on the store but the positive part is that I am able to ease myself back slowly into work and still put plenty of time in with baby.  The other reason this is a good move for our family unit is that it helps me to relax whilst we ttc #2.

We had our first attempt last month.  Despite the fact we are still managing my PCO naturally, the fact I probably still carry a few extra pounds over when we ttc little S and despite various issues surrounding our first insem (with the same known donor) we recieved a positive hpt on the 8th April.
I tested negative this morning.  I don't want to go into it in too much detail right now as it still feels like a fist in my chest everytime I think of it.  I was particularly keen on having another Winter baby - the fact this one would have come to term in the Christmas period would have been the icing on the cake.  Now we just wait on my period.