It's the day before testing and cramps have set in. They started in my lower back and radiated towards my sides, which is how my worst periods always start. There's been a bit of discharge that might have been pinky but so far, we're keeping up the positive vibes and hoping our visit to Ireland imbued this try with some Irish luck.
A's hard at work and I have the evening lock-down shift so I'm keeping myself occupied with a steady stream of trashy teen shows - interspersed with youtube videos by 'the Piano Guys' (I'm going through a cello phase)
See you on the other side
Sunday 24 November 2013
Thursday 21 November 2013
10 days down...
It's a little over halfway through the two weeks wait and we've succeeded in keeping ourselves occupied.
At the weekend, we visited A's sister (who is now officially two weeks overdue.) As is traditional for us whenever we fly abroad, it started with a near-tears moment of stress. We had made it as far as the check-in desk when I realised that my printed boarding pass was in fact paperwork for our Peruvian Christmas. Ryan air is really strict about having your boarding pass with you when you check in. It was either pay £70 (twice what the ticket cost) to have a new one printed or call the new lodger and ask him to drive across the city with less than an hour to spare. In the end, we appealed to the young assistant manning the customer service desk. We got our boarding pass printed on the sly and then after all that excitement, headed for Starbucks - where, I regret to say, I succumbed to the siren call of caffeine. It wasn't the last time that weekend that we broke our pact to reduce caffeine, either.
We were only there for a day and two nights but it was nice to be spending time with family. They even took us out to a nice bar on Saturday night (my virgin mojito was made with lemonade, which I hadn't tried before. It was pretty good)
I've been trying to reduce my stress levels recently, after a friend pointed out that I was having some pretty near-miss catastrophes at work from being too distracted by other stresses (To be fair, that's more to do with the fact that our store breeds stress. On Monday for example, a cage of frozen delivery didn't get put away within it's allocated time and we lost nearly £100 of ice-cream - guess who had to answer for that) I'll admit that I may be wound a little tightly at the moment. Maybe it's that I'm aware of this try being the last until after the new year and I know it wasn't much of a pitch. Maybe it's that we're getting closer to our Peru holiday and I'm getting nervous about meeting A's parents - given that I'm the first girlfriend they've met (that they know of) - whilst they're still wrapping their heads around the idea that their daughter is gay. I don't know. I just know that on Tuesday, I was so wound up that I messed up making macaroni, resorting to straining the roux where I hadn't had to in years. I had a good cry over that; then pulled myself together before A came home. I even managed a giggle, as thoughts came to me of how close we had come to re-creating the scene from the 'Little Women' sequel, 'Good Wives,' in which poor John arrives home with company, unaware that his loving and dutiful wife has made a real wreck of the kitchen trying to make jam and is ready to blast anyone who dares ask how her day went.
And last night, we had a room change around. The new carpets that we have been bugging the landlord about finally arrived whilst I was at work. When I arrived home, A and vecina had switched furniture between the living room and the lodgers' room. So now they have the bigger room but we have a private living room - which is better all round as I think all parties were starting to feel the strain of sharing that space.
A new wardrobe that we had arranged for the lodgers came a few hours afterwards but it had to be sent back, as it didn't so much resemble a wardrobe as a large box. The fixtures were all missing. There was a solution though(!) When the alternative arrived, I had taken refuge in our new living room (which at this point still resembles a rubbish tip) and I could hear the guys trying to manoeuvre the wardrobe up the stairs from halfway across the flat. A told me later that it was clearly too big for the narrow stairway that leads up to our flat. Did that stop four grown men from trying though? This falls under the category of 'you can't tell men nuthin.' After ten minutes of trying(!), they decided between them that the best course of action was to take it apart and re-assemble it in the room.
Today is, thankfully, a day off. I had all weekend off, Tuesday off and a (slightly) less stressful daytime shift yesterday but I am still ridiculously grateful for a whole day to unwind. Between the mild nausea, cramps and breast tenderness coming on we can either expect a positive test next week or a particularly unpleasant period.
At the weekend, we visited A's sister (who is now officially two weeks overdue.) As is traditional for us whenever we fly abroad, it started with a near-tears moment of stress. We had made it as far as the check-in desk when I realised that my printed boarding pass was in fact paperwork for our Peruvian Christmas. Ryan air is really strict about having your boarding pass with you when you check in. It was either pay £70 (twice what the ticket cost) to have a new one printed or call the new lodger and ask him to drive across the city with less than an hour to spare. In the end, we appealed to the young assistant manning the customer service desk. We got our boarding pass printed on the sly and then after all that excitement, headed for Starbucks - where, I regret to say, I succumbed to the siren call of caffeine. It wasn't the last time that weekend that we broke our pact to reduce caffeine, either.
We were only there for a day and two nights but it was nice to be spending time with family. They even took us out to a nice bar on Saturday night (my virgin mojito was made with lemonade, which I hadn't tried before. It was pretty good)
I've been trying to reduce my stress levels recently, after a friend pointed out that I was having some pretty near-miss catastrophes at work from being too distracted by other stresses (To be fair, that's more to do with the fact that our store breeds stress. On Monday for example, a cage of frozen delivery didn't get put away within it's allocated time and we lost nearly £100 of ice-cream - guess who had to answer for that) I'll admit that I may be wound a little tightly at the moment. Maybe it's that I'm aware of this try being the last until after the new year and I know it wasn't much of a pitch. Maybe it's that we're getting closer to our Peru holiday and I'm getting nervous about meeting A's parents - given that I'm the first girlfriend they've met (that they know of) - whilst they're still wrapping their heads around the idea that their daughter is gay. I don't know. I just know that on Tuesday, I was so wound up that I messed up making macaroni, resorting to straining the roux where I hadn't had to in years. I had a good cry over that; then pulled myself together before A came home. I even managed a giggle, as thoughts came to me of how close we had come to re-creating the scene from the 'Little Women' sequel, 'Good Wives,' in which poor John arrives home with company, unaware that his loving and dutiful wife has made a real wreck of the kitchen trying to make jam and is ready to blast anyone who dares ask how her day went.
And last night, we had a room change around. The new carpets that we have been bugging the landlord about finally arrived whilst I was at work. When I arrived home, A and vecina had switched furniture between the living room and the lodgers' room. So now they have the bigger room but we have a private living room - which is better all round as I think all parties were starting to feel the strain of sharing that space.
A new wardrobe that we had arranged for the lodgers came a few hours afterwards but it had to be sent back, as it didn't so much resemble a wardrobe as a large box. The fixtures were all missing. There was a solution though(!) When the alternative arrived, I had taken refuge in our new living room (which at this point still resembles a rubbish tip) and I could hear the guys trying to manoeuvre the wardrobe up the stairs from halfway across the flat. A told me later that it was clearly too big for the narrow stairway that leads up to our flat. Did that stop four grown men from trying though? This falls under the category of 'you can't tell men nuthin.' After ten minutes of trying(!), they decided between them that the best course of action was to take it apart and re-assemble it in the room.
Today is, thankfully, a day off. I had all weekend off, Tuesday off and a (slightly) less stressful daytime shift yesterday but I am still ridiculously grateful for a whole day to unwind. Between the mild nausea, cramps and breast tenderness coming on we can either expect a positive test next week or a particularly unpleasant period.
Tuesday 12 November 2013
In which there is a day, an insemination and absolutely no reference to Henry Fielding
8:30 am, 11 November
Signs it's going to be a good day
* The radio greets us with Bon Jovi and the playlist just gets better from there
* More ewcm than I've had on any given morning in the last six months.
* The new lodgers are on their way out for work
- Sorry, if this is graphic btw but it seems to be the case that whilst you're ttc, you're so focused on the many amazing things your body is doing to prepare for baby that you sometimes forget that not everybody has the same endless fascination for mucus and follicles and linings.
14:00
A flurry of cleaning, a warm shower and then a cup of tea whilst waiting for A to get home from work. Nothing left to do this evening but pop in a movie and pour out the (non-alcoholic) mojitos. R confirms he has finished class and is en-route.
-the new lodgers (vecino & vecina) return from work
22:30
After talking all evening and enjoying a fabulous dinner cooked by my very talented partner, R does his manly duty and heads home, leaving us to get down to business with the goods. I should mention at this point that the bed we're currently using (whilst waiting for a new one to arrive) is a large bunk with a 'study' underneath. Every movement makes the bed sway and creak. The lodgers are in the next room. There were rounds of creaking, shushing and intermittent giggles but we got the job done. We even discovered that the bed is the perfect distance from the ceiling for me to prop my legs up and check out the pretty colours A had painted my nails for the occasion (she'd made me put my socks on as soon as they were dry and made me swear not to look)
So that's it. Our only insem attempt for this cycle. The Hail Mary Pass.
Signs it's going to be a good day
* The radio greets us with Bon Jovi and the playlist just gets better from there
* More ewcm than I've had on any given morning in the last six months.
* The new lodgers are on their way out for work
- Sorry, if this is graphic btw but it seems to be the case that whilst you're ttc, you're so focused on the many amazing things your body is doing to prepare for baby that you sometimes forget that not everybody has the same endless fascination for mucus and follicles and linings.
14:00
A flurry of cleaning, a warm shower and then a cup of tea whilst waiting for A to get home from work. Nothing left to do this evening but pop in a movie and pour out the (non-alcoholic) mojitos. R confirms he has finished class and is en-route.
-the new lodgers (vecino & vecina) return from work
22:30
After talking all evening and enjoying a fabulous dinner cooked by my very talented partner, R does his manly duty and heads home, leaving us to get down to business with the goods. I should mention at this point that the bed we're currently using (whilst waiting for a new one to arrive) is a large bunk with a 'study' underneath. Every movement makes the bed sway and creak. The lodgers are in the next room. There were rounds of creaking, shushing and intermittent giggles but we got the job done. We even discovered that the bed is the perfect distance from the ceiling for me to prop my legs up and check out the pretty colours A had painted my nails for the occasion (she'd made me put my socks on as soon as they were dry and made me swear not to look)
So that's it. Our only insem attempt for this cycle. The Hail Mary Pass.
Sunday 10 November 2013
Wishing and hoping and praying
Due to Scheduling conflicts, we missed this cycle's O date.
Along with monitoring basal body temperature (bbt) and cervical mucus (cm) we've been using ovulation test sticks from around day ten of my cycle. This cycle, there was no faint build up to the results line; one day the window was blank, the next it was a strong line. R, the donor, and I have some pretty tight schedules this week but he's going to try to meet us at the flat tomorrow. It seems a little like locking the barn door and all that...but at least it's a try. For me, at least, the cycles we don't get to try hurt that little bit more than the negatives. Now we just have to figure out how to distract the new lodgers from the length of time R is spending in the bathroom. We've also been in contact with the group who cast our fertility spell at the start of summer to arrange a re-casting and hopefully a boost for our last try of the year (We'll be abroad for a month over Christmas and New Year, so we'll be skipping the December cycle and possibly January, depending on timing)
Things are a little sensitive at home with the impending birth of our nephew (A's sister's due date is this week) Either way, we will be visiting next weekend. A couple days in Ireland will be a pleasant change of scenery and maybe a nice distraction during the TWW - if we pull it off tomorrow.
Along with monitoring basal body temperature (bbt) and cervical mucus (cm) we've been using ovulation test sticks from around day ten of my cycle. This cycle, there was no faint build up to the results line; one day the window was blank, the next it was a strong line. R, the donor, and I have some pretty tight schedules this week but he's going to try to meet us at the flat tomorrow. It seems a little like locking the barn door and all that...but at least it's a try. For me, at least, the cycles we don't get to try hurt that little bit more than the negatives. Now we just have to figure out how to distract the new lodgers from the length of time R is spending in the bathroom. We've also been in contact with the group who cast our fertility spell at the start of summer to arrange a re-casting and hopefully a boost for our last try of the year (We'll be abroad for a month over Christmas and New Year, so we'll be skipping the December cycle and possibly January, depending on timing)
Things are a little sensitive at home with the impending birth of our nephew (A's sister's due date is this week) Either way, we will be visiting next weekend. A couple days in Ireland will be a pleasant change of scenery and maybe a nice distraction during the TWW - if we pull it off tomorrow.
Thursday 31 October 2013
And on it goes....
Halloween. The date we had chosen as test day for this 'magic' cycle. And although my period has come and gone, we are in a better place than we were at this point after last time. There's still a strange sense of suspended time hanging over the house though. It's like when you know there's rain coming - even when you have no need to leave the house, you still keep looking out the windows and wondering where it is. I keep looking at the cupboard thinking 'that period was pretty light/short..' I know how ridiculous it would be - taking a test after my period - but it's almost like I'm missing the closure of that negative. Funny, that's what it was like waiting for my period last time. Maybe I need them both to make it real. Managed to hold off taking it anyway.
Thinking of using the instead cup for next attempt although we're still debating weather to wait until after the new year to try again(not wanting to risk long-haul flights if I do get pregnant in the next couple cycles). Will continue to think these things over and distract ourselves with research.
In the meantime, Happy Hallowe'en to all who celebrate
Thinking of using the instead cup for next attempt although we're still debating weather to wait until after the new year to try again(not wanting to risk long-haul flights if I do get pregnant in the next couple cycles). Will continue to think these things over and distract ourselves with research.
In the meantime, Happy Hallowe'en to all who celebrate
Tuesday 22 October 2013
Hallowe'en is coming...
It's been a week since our 1st insem of the cycle and we're feeling a little less stressed about this try, which is a good thing as work has chosen to pile it on again. 'Symptom'-wise, it's been pretty minimal: some forgetfulness, increased appetite, moments of queasy-ness and, the one that I find most intriguing, itchy breasts. I'm not counting the mild backache at the moment, despite the fact that it started at about the same time as the queasy-ness. A is off work sick at the moment and I was helping her to move furniture out of the back room in preparation to letting it out.
There's some mixed feelings about letting out the room: the extra money pays half our rent and would leave us free to save more mad-money for our Christmas holiday visiting family in Peru. In a two bedroom flat, it is also quite awkward arranging times when our donor can pop over and we can feel comfortable inseminating without being disturbed by the sound of someone else moving about (although, if I am pregnant this month then this point is mute)
The thing is, I've always been a bit possessive about my space and whilst I'm trying to be a bit more open minded about the idea of a stranger in our home, I'm still not quite as comfortable with it as A is. This is not made any easier by the fact that we had to ask our friend to move out following an incident involving smoking inside (I am vehemently opposed to living with smokers - even if they smoke outside, it still comes in on their clothes and sits in the soft furnishings) We'll just have to see what happens when the first person comes to see the room later today.
Couldn't finish on a negative note, so I'll include some happy thoughts here: babies, rainbows, kittens, Ben & Jerry's phish food (which we've recently re-discovered), winter evenings spent in front of the stove with cocoa, long walks in quiet parks, leaves turning gold, Re-runs of Hocus Pocus and nights at the theatre.
There's some mixed feelings about letting out the room: the extra money pays half our rent and would leave us free to save more mad-money for our Christmas holiday visiting family in Peru. In a two bedroom flat, it is also quite awkward arranging times when our donor can pop over and we can feel comfortable inseminating without being disturbed by the sound of someone else moving about (although, if I am pregnant this month then this point is mute)
The thing is, I've always been a bit possessive about my space and whilst I'm trying to be a bit more open minded about the idea of a stranger in our home, I'm still not quite as comfortable with it as A is. This is not made any easier by the fact that we had to ask our friend to move out following an incident involving smoking inside (I am vehemently opposed to living with smokers - even if they smoke outside, it still comes in on their clothes and sits in the soft furnishings) We'll just have to see what happens when the first person comes to see the room later today.
Couldn't finish on a negative note, so I'll include some happy thoughts here: babies, rainbows, kittens, Ben & Jerry's phish food (which we've recently re-discovered), winter evenings spent in front of the stove with cocoa, long walks in quiet parks, leaves turning gold, Re-runs of Hocus Pocus and nights at the theatre.
Monday 14 October 2013
The Magic Cycle
CD 17 and we are good to go.
With our donor, R, abroad last month, we had to sit the last cycle out. And we had almost given up on this month, after the previous cycle ran over a little (eleven days-but who’s counting?) moving likely ovulation dates back into a planned holiday. As it was, we needn't have worried. Looks like another long cycle this month and with it, a delayed O date.
We’re feeling good about this. Tomorrow’s insem falls on the waxing side of a full moon. And with our planned test date of Samhain, we may find the added boost of magic it takes to create something wonderful.
Thursday 29 August 2013
Time I came out
Okay, so here it is: my big confession.
I'm a power rangers fan!
It may seem trivial to some but this show has had a huge impact on my life.
Pre-teen, I didn't exactly have a wide social circle. My class seemed full of loud, boisterous boys and the stereotypical 'popular girls' that I just couldn't understand. I took to reading to keep myself occupied during break times - yes, it didn't help my social standing but as I may have said before, I struggled with anxiety when I was younger and being invisible was far more preferable.
Then Power Rangers started airing. Far from being about heroes in brightly coloured costumes and cool battle robots (don't get me wrong - these were a serious draw too!) it was also about 'teenagers' growing up. The episodes covered issues like learning styles and economic barriers as well as relationships, work, friendship and dedication.
As I moved into primary school (Not familiar with U.S systems but I think it's elementary at age 7/8) I spent a lot of time in the group of boys my student mentor hung out with - and I quickly became popular for my memory recall of power rangers battles and would often be consulted in the middle of games. Hey, I may not have been an 'it' girl but I had found my way in.
As later seasons aired, I was even able to see myself in certain characters, taking their successes as inspiration (not to mention that I developed my first crush on an actress who played a recurring role in a couple of series)
I even sharpened my writing skills over the years by expanding on episodes that left more to the imagination. (Yes, fan-fiction. Everyone has to start somewhere) Through the social networks on which I have published these works, I have met many wonderful, funny, talented people (a number of which I have since come to call close friends) who have taught me to raise my game and look at things in an entirely new way. I was amazed at the number of LGBT identifying people who use fan-fiction to express themselves (and by how much more sense some of the story lines would have made if certain characters had been gay, for example)
What has prompted this today, you ask?
Today is the twentieth anniversary of the show's first broadcast and I found this:
David Yost poses for NOH8 with a prop version of himself
This is even more cool when you know that David Yost, who played shy, socially awkward genius Billy on the show, was forced to leave the cast due to continued harassment by the production crew that targeted his sexual orientation. Whilst one of the producers later responded that his departure was due to a pay dispute, his outside reasons for leaving the show were never denied. Saban Entertainment never issued an official statement on this issue.
/fansqueal
I'm a power rangers fan!
It may seem trivial to some but this show has had a huge impact on my life.
Pre-teen, I didn't exactly have a wide social circle. My class seemed full of loud, boisterous boys and the stereotypical 'popular girls' that I just couldn't understand. I took to reading to keep myself occupied during break times - yes, it didn't help my social standing but as I may have said before, I struggled with anxiety when I was younger and being invisible was far more preferable.
Then Power Rangers started airing. Far from being about heroes in brightly coloured costumes and cool battle robots (don't get me wrong - these were a serious draw too!) it was also about 'teenagers' growing up. The episodes covered issues like learning styles and economic barriers as well as relationships, work, friendship and dedication.
As I moved into primary school (Not familiar with U.S systems but I think it's elementary at age 7/8) I spent a lot of time in the group of boys my student mentor hung out with - and I quickly became popular for my memory recall of power rangers battles and would often be consulted in the middle of games. Hey, I may not have been an 'it' girl but I had found my way in.
As later seasons aired, I was even able to see myself in certain characters, taking their successes as inspiration (not to mention that I developed my first crush on an actress who played a recurring role in a couple of series)
I even sharpened my writing skills over the years by expanding on episodes that left more to the imagination. (Yes, fan-fiction. Everyone has to start somewhere) Through the social networks on which I have published these works, I have met many wonderful, funny, talented people (a number of which I have since come to call close friends) who have taught me to raise my game and look at things in an entirely new way. I was amazed at the number of LGBT identifying people who use fan-fiction to express themselves (and by how much more sense some of the story lines would have made if certain characters had been gay, for example)
What has prompted this today, you ask?
Today is the twentieth anniversary of the show's first broadcast and I found this:
David Yost poses for NOH8 with a prop version of himself
This is even more cool when you know that David Yost, who played shy, socially awkward genius Billy on the show, was forced to leave the cast due to continued harassment by the production crew that targeted his sexual orientation. Whilst one of the producers later responded that his departure was due to a pay dispute, his outside reasons for leaving the show were never denied. Saban Entertainment never issued an official statement on this issue.
/fansqueal
Friday 23 August 2013
CD 3
We had to let go of that last thread of hope on Wednesday morning.
I've been sleeping a lot the last few days: getting up at 8, taking three hour naps at least twice a day and so glad to get to bed by ten that it's starting to alarm poor A. Thing is, I've felt my energy falling since Saturday and now I just don't have the energy for anything more than light to moderate housework (and only out of necessity) A insisted we get an appointment at the health centre on Wednesday just to make sure it's not a sign of anything physically wrong with me before we try again.
It doesn't help that ever since a work mate was diagnosed with type two diabetes in the spring, she's started getting concerned over any diabetes-like symptom she observes in me. Part of me feels special at how much attention she's showing and in the interests of household peace, I went to the appointment.
As you can guess, once I mentioned that we had been TTC (because it's always relevant) I got the stress talk. I'm booked in for bloodwork at the start of September but until then I just have to find the energy to keep going with daily life.
On Thursday, I got sent home from work after almost passing out. I'd forgotten my uniform (something that never happens to me) and whilst waiting for a spare shirt to be dug out, I started getting dizzy and had to sit down. Having a long history of passing out in public, I've learned to hate those moments of loosing control. As it was, I must've looked pretty rough because the manager offered to pay from petty cash for a taxi (and it had to be one of the bigger ones to accommodate my bike) It was bad enough that I did this in the office with every Tom, Dick and Harry looking in to see what was going on. The crowning glory came when the manager escorted me himself through the store and to the taxi rank - ten feet from the entrance!
It may not seem so but I used to really struggle with anxiety. The worst thing anyone can do when I'm not feeling my best is draw attention to me. I felt so weak and shaky, just from having everyone witness this that It only seemed to confirm to C that I needed fussing over.
And we confirmed yesterday that R is abroad for the first two weeks of September. Unless we stalk him to Spain, it looks like we'll have to sit this one out.
I've taken today off as well, since I failed to keep my dinner down last night. To be honest, I'm hoping it's just stress. Stress and I are old friends and I know his habits.
So the plan for this month is exercise, eat well, hopefully drop the three or four pounds I've put back on and relax with friends. Here goes ...(?)
I've been sleeping a lot the last few days: getting up at 8, taking three hour naps at least twice a day and so glad to get to bed by ten that it's starting to alarm poor A. Thing is, I've felt my energy falling since Saturday and now I just don't have the energy for anything more than light to moderate housework (and only out of necessity) A insisted we get an appointment at the health centre on Wednesday just to make sure it's not a sign of anything physically wrong with me before we try again.
It doesn't help that ever since a work mate was diagnosed with type two diabetes in the spring, she's started getting concerned over any diabetes-like symptom she observes in me. Part of me feels special at how much attention she's showing and in the interests of household peace, I went to the appointment.
As you can guess, once I mentioned that we had been TTC (because it's always relevant) I got the stress talk. I'm booked in for bloodwork at the start of September but until then I just have to find the energy to keep going with daily life.
On Thursday, I got sent home from work after almost passing out. I'd forgotten my uniform (something that never happens to me) and whilst waiting for a spare shirt to be dug out, I started getting dizzy and had to sit down. Having a long history of passing out in public, I've learned to hate those moments of loosing control. As it was, I must've looked pretty rough because the manager offered to pay from petty cash for a taxi (and it had to be one of the bigger ones to accommodate my bike) It was bad enough that I did this in the office with every Tom, Dick and Harry looking in to see what was going on. The crowning glory came when the manager escorted me himself through the store and to the taxi rank - ten feet from the entrance!
It may not seem so but I used to really struggle with anxiety. The worst thing anyone can do when I'm not feeling my best is draw attention to me. I felt so weak and shaky, just from having everyone witness this that It only seemed to confirm to C that I needed fussing over.
And we confirmed yesterday that R is abroad for the first two weeks of September. Unless we stalk him to Spain, it looks like we'll have to sit this one out.
I've taken today off as well, since I failed to keep my dinner down last night. To be honest, I'm hoping it's just stress. Stress and I are old friends and I know his habits.
So the plan for this month is exercise, eat well, hopefully drop the three or four pounds I've put back on and relax with friends. Here goes ...(?)
Monday 19 August 2013
Somewhere Over the Rainbow
I know the title's a little cliché and perhaps sounding a tad dramatic for a first attempt but I swear it was the first song played when I booted up this morning and it felt appropriate.
We were both awake when A's alarm went off at 5:30 this morning. It took a while for the warning chime to break through my mind's comfortable sleepy haze and for a minute I forgot what day it was. Then I remembered the test stick laid out in the bathroom ready and I snuggled further under the covers, trying to hold on to 'maybe' a little longer. To give her credit, A didn't say a word about it. She just gave me a morning hug and then got up to get ready for work. No pressure then.
After a while, I dragged myself out of bed and padded out to the bathroom.
Negative. That word sounds so cold; detached. And even as we looked at it, there was a part of my mind that was insisting that this wasn't right, that this wasn't the result we were supposed to get. I've had almost three hours to process it and it still hasn't sunk in. I don't think I'm going to be able to let go of this cycle until I see that final damning evidence.
My morning Facebook skim resulted in a cousins pregnancy announcement, a Disney pick that a friend has posted of Dumbo's mother and bundle with the caption 'happiness can arrive at any moment,' and a pick of pregnant sea-horses posted by non-profit org 'Have a gay day.'
Day 29 and counting.
We were both awake when A's alarm went off at 5:30 this morning. It took a while for the warning chime to break through my mind's comfortable sleepy haze and for a minute I forgot what day it was. Then I remembered the test stick laid out in the bathroom ready and I snuggled further under the covers, trying to hold on to 'maybe' a little longer. To give her credit, A didn't say a word about it. She just gave me a morning hug and then got up to get ready for work. No pressure then.
After a while, I dragged myself out of bed and padded out to the bathroom.
Negative. That word sounds so cold; detached. And even as we looked at it, there was a part of my mind that was insisting that this wasn't right, that this wasn't the result we were supposed to get. I've had almost three hours to process it and it still hasn't sunk in. I don't think I'm going to be able to let go of this cycle until I see that final damning evidence.
My morning Facebook skim resulted in a cousins pregnancy announcement, a Disney pick that a friend has posted of Dumbo's mother and bundle with the caption 'happiness can arrive at any moment,' and a pick of pregnant sea-horses posted by non-profit org 'Have a gay day.'
Day 29 and counting.
Wednesday 14 August 2013
(insert witty one-liner here)
9 days down.
And I'm finding it difficult not to reach for a test stick.
I know that there is absolutely no point in testing at this stage in my cycle. That even if I am pregnant, there wouldn't be enough hormone in my system for the test to read. I find myself calculating over and over when the earliest day I can test is (pretty difficult with unreliable cycles) and then looking at the result accuracy on the back of the box and trying to convince myself that, even if I could reliably predict CD 1, it makes more sense to wait.
The nausea I mentioned in my last post has eased off a little and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I now find it only surfaces as a feeling of digestive unease if I contemplate eating something. We're not sure yet if it's the time of day (re: running on empty) or the food type that's causing this, though it doesn't affect me so much in the evenings (when I start feeling like I want inadvisable heavier meals of meat, particularly duck, and giant bowls of chorizo lentils)
And the backache is also still around, albeit at more manageable levels.
New 'symptoms' this week are a slight tenderness in my breasts, occasional light-headedness and some fatigue. All could be signs of pmt, which it's not unknown for me to experience up to a week before CD 1. The fact that I haven't had a run of pmt symptoms this early since my teens and that I rarely get breast tenderness is what's making us suspect maybe-baby.
or it could just as easily be my body's reaction to the stress of TTC.
Wednesday 7 August 2013
Chasing Rainbows
We didn't do the third insem as we'd planned this cycle, due to a number of logistical problems cropping up. R did make it for the Monday morning insem.
And no ttc blog would be complete without at least one symptom chasing post, so here's the highlights from this weeks game of:
And no ttc blog would be complete without at least one symptom chasing post, so here's the highlights from this weeks game of:
Google-that-symptom!
- Nausea (three days post insem 1, most of the day) This could have been environmental stress at work. It could be my mind playing tricks on me, knowing how much we want this. It could - according to the all-knowing internetz - be the result of hormone changes when conception occurs. Unless Felix implants however we have no way of knowing if this was it.
- Back pain/cramping (three days post insem 1, most of the afternoon and evening) Typical PMS symptoms for me but I very rarely get them mid-cycle. Sounds like the least likely of my maybe-baby symptoms, but this is the one I'm choosing to hold onto (it's a rookie mistake btw, picking out symptoms this early. But it's our first time, so I'm going with it!)
- Spotting (three days post insem 1, late evening) I only spotted this because I'm still checking my cm. There was very little of it (a small streak through the cm) but it was definitely there. I haven't had a cycle less than 20 days since I was a teenager.
*Fingers still crossed*
Monday 5 August 2013
All Systems are Go!
Well, here we are. Attempt one, insem one down. Go team!
Yesterday, was a bit of an adventure, I'll tell you that.
I took the test just after lunch - remind me to never again try that at work. I had to dodge a team manager with the ovulation stick in hand. I then left the stick behind the toilets cistern whilst I waited it out, figuring I was the only woman on premises. I hadn't counted on someone forgetting to write on the handover note that we had an extra member of staff. My heart almost stopped when I saw her heading into the toilets (only two toilet stalls and I stupidly left it in the one everyone uses) Nothing was said though. I think we got away with it. cm was wet and slippery - just right for what we had in mind (Needless to say, we were very happy with the timing of this when I found evidence this morning of spinnbarkeit, highly fertile cm)
As I headed home, I expected to feel some last minute jitters but as I thought about it, I realised that I had no doubts. I felt so sure that this was right. A was waiting for me in high spirits when I got home with a big smile and a dish of arroz con pollo, in honour of the occasion. We always celebrate with food from my partner's native Peru.
R came over after dinner and we hung out for a while before getting down to business. We had decided beforehand that he would leave his deposit with us just before he started home so that A and I could have some privacy. It matters a great deal to us that this process of creating our child be as intimate as it can be - regardless of the tools and trappings required.
It went quite well. We took it in turns to hold the container and keep it at a decent temperature whilst we waited for it to liquefy. Then, after insemination, I lay with my butt propped up on a pillow for twenty minutes whilst A tidied up the dinner plates and kept an eye on the time.
R has plans for tomorrow so we decided not to go down the three day insem route we had planned. Instead, we are going to do an insem today, after breakfast and one after dinner tonight.
keep your fingers crossed for us.
Yesterday, was a bit of an adventure, I'll tell you that.
I took the test just after lunch - remind me to never again try that at work. I had to dodge a team manager with the ovulation stick in hand. I then left the stick behind the toilets cistern whilst I waited it out, figuring I was the only woman on premises. I hadn't counted on someone forgetting to write on the handover note that we had an extra member of staff. My heart almost stopped when I saw her heading into the toilets (only two toilet stalls and I stupidly left it in the one everyone uses) Nothing was said though. I think we got away with it. cm was wet and slippery - just right for what we had in mind (Needless to say, we were very happy with the timing of this when I found evidence this morning of spinnbarkeit, highly fertile cm)
As I headed home, I expected to feel some last minute jitters but as I thought about it, I realised that I had no doubts. I felt so sure that this was right. A was waiting for me in high spirits when I got home with a big smile and a dish of arroz con pollo, in honour of the occasion. We always celebrate with food from my partner's native Peru.
R came over after dinner and we hung out for a while before getting down to business. We had decided beforehand that he would leave his deposit with us just before he started home so that A and I could have some privacy. It matters a great deal to us that this process of creating our child be as intimate as it can be - regardless of the tools and trappings required.
It went quite well. We took it in turns to hold the container and keep it at a decent temperature whilst we waited for it to liquefy. Then, after insemination, I lay with my butt propped up on a pillow for twenty minutes whilst A tidied up the dinner plates and kept an eye on the time.
R has plans for tomorrow so we decided not to go down the three day insem route we had planned. Instead, we are going to do an insem today, after breakfast and one after dinner tonight.
keep your fingers crossed for us.
Sunday 4 August 2013
Ain't no stopping us....
Is it considered obsessive if I make it through three ovulation tests in one day?
Most days of my cycle (anywhere from 21 to 36 days) I get a big blank in the test window of my stick.
cycle day (CD)10, I get suspicious symptoms and test on a whim - faintly positive. CD 11, three slightly stronger positives. I'm torn. It looks like we're building up to a surge: today is day thirteen and the line is almost there. Cm still says no-go.
Last night, we sat and talked it through. Today, I'm going to sneakily test at work (yes, I'm a pee-on-a-stick addict at this time of the month) and if cm is more receptive, we're putting in a call and going for it.
See you on the other side :D
Most days of my cycle (anywhere from 21 to 36 days) I get a big blank in the test window of my stick.
cycle day (CD)10, I get suspicious symptoms and test on a whim - faintly positive. CD 11, three slightly stronger positives. I'm torn. It looks like we're building up to a surge: today is day thirteen and the line is almost there. Cm still says no-go.
Last night, we sat and talked it through. Today, I'm going to sneakily test at work (yes, I'm a pee-on-a-stick addict at this time of the month) and if cm is more receptive, we're putting in a call and going for it.
See you on the other side :D
Thursday 18 July 2013
Counting Rainbows
So, it turns out that this month wasn't going to be our month.
After waiting on hot coals for what feels like forever, I got up one morning (the day of our city's Pride parade, no less) to a raised basal body temperature (bbt) and signs of fertile mucus (ewcm)
We had by that time given up on the likelihood of my ovulating this month and were planning to meet up with R for the Pride day festivities in town. Needless to say: if this was going to be it, we would probably have to edit our plans a little. I took an ovulation test around breakfast and then, being me, I took one after lunch just to be sure - both negative, no matter how hard or how long we stared at them. Not even a maybe-tomorrow shadow of a line.
We were disappointed but we're choosing not to dwell on it. The way we see it, we could be in for a long ride and we can't start getting bogged down before we've even had our first attempt. As it was, we went into town and had a great day and our camera is full of photos (like that one on the bar, for example) that we might not have taken. And it's probably for the best that Felix's due date would not be the same week as my birthday. With birthdays so close together in my family growing up, it always seemed more pleasant to have birthdays spread out over the year.
R was also disappointed, when we told him. He's been living the my-body-is-a-temple diet for weeks now and focusing on the fertility boosting foods we've found from our research. When I asked him if we could buy him a drink at the festival, he smiled and shook his head. "I'm keeping myself in readiness for the next time," he said. And whilst we assured him that for the next two weeks at least, he could relax his diet a little, he insisted on keeping to the fertility regimen. Bless his heart. We have been so lucky to find such a wonderful man as our donor and future uncle to our child.
So whilst this week has had a little disappointment, our life is still full of rainbows.
After waiting on hot coals for what feels like forever, I got up one morning (the day of our city's Pride parade, no less) to a raised basal body temperature (bbt) and signs of fertile mucus (ewcm)
We had by that time given up on the likelihood of my ovulating this month and were planning to meet up with R for the Pride day festivities in town. Needless to say: if this was going to be it, we would probably have to edit our plans a little. I took an ovulation test around breakfast and then, being me, I took one after lunch just to be sure - both negative, no matter how hard or how long we stared at them. Not even a maybe-tomorrow shadow of a line.
We were disappointed but we're choosing not to dwell on it. The way we see it, we could be in for a long ride and we can't start getting bogged down before we've even had our first attempt. As it was, we went into town and had a great day and our camera is full of photos (like that one on the bar, for example) that we might not have taken. And it's probably for the best that Felix's due date would not be the same week as my birthday. With birthdays so close together in my family growing up, it always seemed more pleasant to have birthdays spread out over the year.
R was also disappointed, when we told him. He's been living the my-body-is-a-temple diet for weeks now and focusing on the fertility boosting foods we've found from our research. When I asked him if we could buy him a drink at the festival, he smiled and shook his head. "I'm keeping myself in readiness for the next time," he said. And whilst we assured him that for the next two weeks at least, he could relax his diet a little, he insisted on keeping to the fertility regimen. Bless his heart. We have been so lucky to find such a wonderful man as our donor and future uncle to our child.
So whilst this week has had a little disappointment, our life is still full of rainbows.
Friday 28 June 2013
Got that Friday Feeling!
As I open my locker and reach for the familiar plastic container, I can feel the curious eyes of my colleagues following each movement. Despite being considered somewhat of an eccentricity by most of the people I work with, my herb stash still generates a great deal of interest months after I started feeling comfortable bringing it in to work. For a moment I pause, as if contemplating (it's almost funny, watching them feign interest in yesterday's free-newspaper whilst trying to see what will come out of my little box next) Then, pushing the box aside, I reach further in for what I was after - the jar of cinnamon.
Whilst I am not a qualified medical herbalist, I spent a couple years studying towards that goal at university when I was younger and herbal remedies are usually my first response for my own minor ailments. There's just a few essentials I like to keep with me including, my preferred digestive, cinnamon.
It's not as a digestive that I'm using it today, though.
In July 2007, Fertility and Sterility published a pilot study in which cinnamon was shown to reduce insulin resistance in women with PCOS as cinnamon increases the effectiveness of insulin. It also slows down the movement of food from the stomach to the small intestine which slows down the breakdown of carbs, increasing absorption, regulating blood sugar and aiding in weight loss. Score!
And why am I pulling out the fertility spices today? Our plans have started moving forward. R's screening passed muster and he's been loading up on fertility foods like oysters, sweet potatoes and pomegranate juice.
Today is day 5 and it's looking good!
And why am I pulling out the fertility spices today? Our plans have started moving forward. R's screening passed muster and he's been loading up on fertility foods like oysters, sweet potatoes and pomegranate juice.
Today is day 5 and it's looking good!
Friday 24 May 2013
The Sperm in the Equation
It's been a while since I last posted. For a number of reasons, which I wont go into right now, A and I have not yet begun actively trying and we preferred to blog when we actually had something to say. Well, now we are looking at a change in the starting line-up, so here I am again.
When we first started talking about the practicalities of getting pregnant, A mentioned that her relative had volunteered to be a donor shortly after she first came out to him. I had been especially taken with the idea of being able to see that bit of her in our baby. From that point on, our baby talks had always begun the same way: 'if M agrees...'
Around that time, we had also started researching a sperm bank online as a back-up plan. I wasn't quite sure if the practicalities of ordering from the international distributor was the intimate experience we were hoping for and some part of me had wondered that if by looking we were admitting there would come a time when we would have to reach that compromise; and if so, at what stage we would need to decide that we were ready to do that. It was at this time that we met R.
R very quickly became a close friend of ours when he moved to England from his native Spain last year. So when he came to me one day voicing his concern at my distraction, I was able to trust him enough to confide our hopes of starting a family and my upset at the recent diagnosis of PCO that would make our attempts that little bit more complicated. I explained my frustration at how the NHS would not subsidise fertility treatment for same-sex couples and how I refused to compromise by continuing as a 'single' woman. When I told him how much it would cost privately, adding the cost of buying and shipping sperm, and voiced irritation at how much that would eat into our baby-savings when all we really needed was a healthy man to donate his sperm on the understanding that we did not intend him to be a legal parent, R volunteered to be a donor. Focused on wrestling a heavy delivery cage at the time, I didn't quite register what he had said until I stopped and took a breather.
Thing is, A and I are quite happy about the fact that our current donor is a relative of A's - thus assuring A a biological tie to the baby. So why is this even an issue? Well, to be honest, A just isn't as concerned about donor choice as I am. And the more I have time to think about it, the more I just want to settle down with A and our baby (Felix. An inside joke and the pre-birth name of our future bump) regardless of where he/she came from. As I often say in reference to my step-father, your real parents are the people who raise you. Whoever the donor is, our baby will be just as much A's as mine. So with that in mind, I took a closer look at R.
R is apparently quite attractive, if the reactions of our younger female customers are any indication (I'm a poor judge of male beauty) He's educated to university level and speaks three languages with a fair degree of fluency. He's interested in history and culture, has a healthy appetite, build and attitude and he's over 5' 5". He meets all of our requirements. Plus, he has dark hair and eyes just like A and his ethnicity is in part similar to A's. That he lives 30 minutes walk from our flat is also a point to take into serious consideration.
Though it hung in the air between us for a long time after that, nothing more was said about it till last week, when the three of us went out for a drink to mark the temporary break in R's studies. At the end of the evening, R spoke seriously to the both of us, saying that he had been thinking over the situation we were in for the past few months and researching my condition in order to better understand how he could help. He asserted that he would still like to be a donor, if we were interested and that he was willing to make whatever commitments we felt were necessary to conceive our baby. We were touched by his offer and expressed how grateful we were but I still needed to be sure he knew what he was saying - without the alcohol in his system. We agreed to meet for dinner a week later to discuss the possibility further. During that time, R could research and ask us as many questions as he needed to be comfortable with his decision.
When R turned up for dinner this week, not only had he decided to proceed, he had spent an impressive amount of time and effort researching his responsibilities as a donor, from diet and exercise to lifestyle and potential timetables. He had also attempted to visit a sexual health clinic to discuss getting his 'boys' tested but had missed their opening times. Satisfied about his understanding of this undertaking and his commitment and haven spoken about our vision of his role in our child's life as 'Tio' (uncle) we have decided to proceed with R, working with three donations a cycle once his labs have cleared.
*Waves (potentially) the last glass of wine* To the next step. Cheers!
When we first started talking about the practicalities of getting pregnant, A mentioned that her relative had volunteered to be a donor shortly after she first came out to him. I had been especially taken with the idea of being able to see that bit of her in our baby. From that point on, our baby talks had always begun the same way: 'if M agrees...'
Around that time, we had also started researching a sperm bank online as a back-up plan. I wasn't quite sure if the practicalities of ordering from the international distributor was the intimate experience we were hoping for and some part of me had wondered that if by looking we were admitting there would come a time when we would have to reach that compromise; and if so, at what stage we would need to decide that we were ready to do that. It was at this time that we met R.
R very quickly became a close friend of ours when he moved to England from his native Spain last year. So when he came to me one day voicing his concern at my distraction, I was able to trust him enough to confide our hopes of starting a family and my upset at the recent diagnosis of PCO that would make our attempts that little bit more complicated. I explained my frustration at how the NHS would not subsidise fertility treatment for same-sex couples and how I refused to compromise by continuing as a 'single' woman. When I told him how much it would cost privately, adding the cost of buying and shipping sperm, and voiced irritation at how much that would eat into our baby-savings when all we really needed was a healthy man to donate his sperm on the understanding that we did not intend him to be a legal parent, R volunteered to be a donor. Focused on wrestling a heavy delivery cage at the time, I didn't quite register what he had said until I stopped and took a breather.
Thing is, A and I are quite happy about the fact that our current donor is a relative of A's - thus assuring A a biological tie to the baby. So why is this even an issue? Well, to be honest, A just isn't as concerned about donor choice as I am. And the more I have time to think about it, the more I just want to settle down with A and our baby (Felix. An inside joke and the pre-birth name of our future bump) regardless of where he/she came from. As I often say in reference to my step-father, your real parents are the people who raise you. Whoever the donor is, our baby will be just as much A's as mine. So with that in mind, I took a closer look at R.
R is apparently quite attractive, if the reactions of our younger female customers are any indication (I'm a poor judge of male beauty) He's educated to university level and speaks three languages with a fair degree of fluency. He's interested in history and culture, has a healthy appetite, build and attitude and he's over 5' 5". He meets all of our requirements. Plus, he has dark hair and eyes just like A and his ethnicity is in part similar to A's. That he lives 30 minutes walk from our flat is also a point to take into serious consideration.
Though it hung in the air between us for a long time after that, nothing more was said about it till last week, when the three of us went out for a drink to mark the temporary break in R's studies. At the end of the evening, R spoke seriously to the both of us, saying that he had been thinking over the situation we were in for the past few months and researching my condition in order to better understand how he could help. He asserted that he would still like to be a donor, if we were interested and that he was willing to make whatever commitments we felt were necessary to conceive our baby. We were touched by his offer and expressed how grateful we were but I still needed to be sure he knew what he was saying - without the alcohol in his system. We agreed to meet for dinner a week later to discuss the possibility further. During that time, R could research and ask us as many questions as he needed to be comfortable with his decision.
When R turned up for dinner this week, not only had he decided to proceed, he had spent an impressive amount of time and effort researching his responsibilities as a donor, from diet and exercise to lifestyle and potential timetables. He had also attempted to visit a sexual health clinic to discuss getting his 'boys' tested but had missed their opening times. Satisfied about his understanding of this undertaking and his commitment and haven spoken about our vision of his role in our child's life as 'Tio' (uncle) we have decided to proceed with R, working with three donations a cycle once his labs have cleared.
*Waves (potentially) the last glass of wine* To the next step. Cheers!
Sunday 13 January 2013
Happy holidays!
Christmas and new year with the family went well, despite a rough start.
Following an argument with my sister on Christmas eve - and I'm not going to get into that right now - A and I left for Spain feeling disappointed that something had happened to dampen our mood before we'd even reached the airport, for a holiday we'd been planning and looking forward to for months. Still, we had a hot drink at the airport and decided that we were just going to enjoy our holiday and use the time to unwind from the stresses of the last few months instead of brooding.
I admit, I did have to excuse myself the first time I saw A holding the new baby. I'd been fine when her brother and sister-in-law presented little S but the sight of my partner holding her brought tears to my eyes and I had to escape to the bathroom quickly. For the rest of the holiday though, I had no trouble interacting with the baby. I put it down to hormones and a tiring trip out.
And there's good news: our potential kd is now our official kd. We didn't want to say anything earlier in-case we jinxed it but the kd is a relative of A's. I, in particular, am excited about the implications of this. Yes, it means that we likely wont be able to try every cycle, as he lives abroad but the idea that our baby will have both my and A's genes is so wonderful that we are prepared to go longer between attempts. I'm feeling positive about this. I'm choosing to believe that since my pco symptoms are pretty mild, it may be that the metformin will do the trick relatively quickly (yes, I said relatively. I know it will still take a while)
The next steps are meeting with Dr. D to discuss putting me on metformin, arranging well-timed holidays with kd and ... oh yes, the wedding in May :D
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