An entry of miscellaneous thoughts and happenings, since I've been too distracted to post them separately over the last few weeks.
First tiny movements felt around week 15 (wish I'd thought to write down when I first felt baby so that this milestone could be recorded accurately) Perhaps it was due to ligament pain or the sudden increase in severity of my restless leg syndrome, perhaps it was the result of my increased need to urinate or just the intense heat of the room even with all the windows open but for a while, I established a sleeping pattern where I would be awake for long periods between 2 and 5 am. It was during one of these hours that I felt what I, at first, took to be a tiny pulse in my lower belly. I waited for it to happen again, making an effort to keep my breathing relaxed and steady and being consciously aware of my heart rate. It took a moment but when it happened again, I was sure that it wasn't my pulse but the first tiny kicks I was feeling. Because of the hour, the whole world outside was silent, like nothing else existed outside our room. It felt perfect.
Since then, baby has started to kick with more strength and regularity. Most often, it's just after breakfast, when I have the time to sit and talk to him/her. It's so nice to have that morning greeting. We even have a game we like to play, where s/he will kick and I'll place my hand on my belly to say hi. S/he will stop and I will carry on with what I am doing. Two minutes later, s/he will kick again and I'll stop to say hi again. This can go on for twenty minutes at a time.
This week, we've been having a lot of discussions to re-assess where we stand on our plans for the near and continuing future. I've had my maternity certificate tucked inside my yellow book since our 15 week appointment with W. It needs to be handed in to my manager at 20 weeks to claim statutory maternity pay. This will, I know, probably prompt a meeting with him to discuss maternity leave - which is a subject I have been side-stepping a lot recently. I know it's not fair for me to be so unclear, when the management team is only trying to figure out how to cover a team leader for an extended period, likely starting at a very crucial period for trading. I've just been feeling extra vulnerable lately and the idea of broaching what's on my mind has started to bring out the old anxiety gremlins. I would really like to start my maternity leave just before Christmas. I would like to have the opportunity to (try to) relax before baby is born and enjoy our last Christmas as a couple. I would really appreciate the time to be close to my mother (I never get the chance to visit when she's not working) and recently, I have been thinking about taking a career break until baby is old enough for pre-school...
I don't know. I've always said I'd be a working mother - It makes financial sense in this economy to have two wages coming in - but something inside me is saying that as much as baby would benefit from the higher income of two working mothers, it is also very important to me that s/he has the benefit of a full time mother (at least in the early years) A strongly supports me in this and has actually encouraged me towards making this decision. Sometimes I feel like it's something she has been hoping for me to agree to and sometimes I wonder if it's something she's encouraging me in (because that's who she is) without actually thinking about the implications. It all comes down to finances. I may post more on this at a later date - when I have it clearer in my head. In the meantime, we've added another book to our pregnancy library: How to afford time off with your baby by Becky Goddard-Hill, who was in the middle of her maternity leave when she decided to take a six year career break to raise their first child. The book is written in a friendly and easy to access style with well organised chapters that include money saving ideas from pregnancy to pre-school, resource lists and support and encouragement. Whilst our copy is a little out of date as it is second hand and we would have to do some further research on benefits, taxes and allowances if we were to seriously consider this path, this made an excellent starting point.
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