Peanut

*This post contains warnings for material some readers may find distressing*

I started this blog as a record of our journey to becoming a family.  I've always presented my thoughts and feelings as openly as I could and yet, it is a struggle to write this.  There's a part of me that wants to keep Peanut only for ourselves but I know that if I do that, it will be like she never existed and that I cannot do to her.

The negative test was apparently false. As before, I had not followed the test instructions correctly. On a chance, I took another test on the 11th.  Over this time, I had experienced some nausea and heartburn, mild cramping and an ache in my lower back. I felt a little guilty taking the test, like I was being silly for not letting go of a chemical pregnancy but the second line came up strong and true. After this up and down, we chose to arrange blood work to confirm our pregnancy and were relieved when it came back positive.

We celebrated by ordering a peanut shaped charm for my charm bracelet and setting money aside to buy Peanut her first charm bracelet once her sex was confirmed.  I even joined the pregnancy check-in on the message board I frequent.

Then on the 18th, I started feeling more nauseous than I had before and I was cramping and spotting.  The blood was light pink and only noticeable when I wiped but I felt in my heart that something was wrong. A reminded me that her sister had bled a little during her pregnancy and my research told me that some 20% of pregnancies have at least a little bleeding.  A reassured me that it might still be ok.

Friday began with a light flow which then petered out around lunchtime for several hours but by Saturday, I was bleeding heavily and passing clots, some containing matter.  One large clot that I passed was attached to a small cord and I felt completely empty inside as I held it in some tissue paper.  I swear I felt her little spirit near me then and I knew that we had lost something truly precious.  We buried her in a large container with a hardy plant and we're looking for a small garden statue to go with it, so that we might always have this to remember her by.

I have to stop now but I will post again soon.