One hand in my pocket...

I had a clinic appointment this afternoon. A had wanted to come with me to all our baby related appointments but she had to work today and I couldn't bear not knowing the result of last weeks scan, so we agreed that I would go to the clinic on my own.

I thought I had covered all the bases with my research. I was determined to take the mentality that if the doctor said it was PCO, it would just be an obstacle to conceiving not a barrier. I mean, I'm healthy, a decent weight, there are still eggs in my basket...

 When Doctor D confirmed the diagnosis, I felt a little strange - like I should be reacting to something but completely numb to it at the same time. Then she started talking about options. One of the first things she asked was how open we were to having A carry the baby. To put it mildly, A does not have an interest in being a biological mother. At some point, I started having this cascade of thoughts too fast to keep up with and I got a little overwhelmed, had a bit of a cry.

Then, as is my habit, I told myself to calm down, drew a line under this and asked the doctor what comes next in my most 'I have full control' voice (which may have come out a bit squeaky)
She explained that she had intended to look up for A and I where we stood with regards to fertility treatment funding on the NHS, but had forgotten. She promised that she would find out for us as soon as possible and call me and then we could take it from there.

On the walk home, every woman I passed - I'm not exaggerating here - was sporting a big pregnant belly, baby on hip or push chair. Realising that I was alone tonight and in the mood for some comfort food, I dropped into Tesco in search of ice-cream and that's where my phone chirruped to let me know I had a voice-mail  I hadn't even noticed it ringing.

Dr D was calling to let me know she had found some information about funding for same sex couples. Apparently, the NHS will fund single mothers but not same-sex couples.

I feel gutted, at this point. I know the UK has some way to go before it can be recognised for liberal thinking, but I've always had some faith in the way this country is run: that it's been working towards a fair state. We spend thousands of pounds on welfare, funding for new creative voices, encouraging more people to follow their dreams into education. This is partially what my taxes pay for and I'm proud of it. Today the NHS has let me down. And right now, I don't know if I can forgive them for that.